Around we go, round again in circles

Play this game over again.

I'm so tired.
I know this is going to be an normal thing. It's the only time I feel like I really belong anywhere. And I know I have no right to pass judgment, but sometimes I can't help it.

I took your advice and moved a lot of my stuff to my dad's. Half of my clothes are there and my room is starting to feel a little more like mine. By no means do I feel like I live there yet, but it's a start.

I really need a tomorrow. Where I can just enjoy myself, and him. I'm getting so stressed out. It really shows. I'm tired, I can't concentrate, I'm just not all the way there sometimes. For god's sake, I missed him in the hallway about 3 times today when he was right near me.

I got a new TV. It actually has cable! For the first time in many months, I can actually watch TV. It feels really nice, but I haven't had much time to get acquainted with it. I also don't have a remote for it, but with the layout of my room, it's not unbearable. Besides, I can afford to manually change channels if I have to.

Speaking of which, I changed my room so that I basically have a really big desk in the corner. The main part was actually the top of a corner computer desk that would surround the monitor, but it was kind of bulky so I figured I could use it. Then, I paired the other two desks I have (one of which is an end table, and the other, an old unused cabinet) on the side of it, essentially extending it about 2 feet on either side. I put that in the south west corner and put my bed horizontal to the east wall and as close to my mirror as possible. The left over desk (which is actually a desk), I kept in the same spot, just turned it 90º and moved it over a foot and a half. It basically leaves me with a giant empty space on the floor in the middle of my room. It looks a whole lot better now, and it's a little more convenient to get into. Plus, now I have lots of shelves to keep my shit (and I have LOTS of that).

By the way, my sister is becoming an emo kid now. I just found a picture she left at the computer desk of a girl hanging in a closet with the word "solution?" underneath. The girl basically looks like the ones that I draw, with the long white dress and long straight hair; kind of minimalistic. On the back is this really emo poem, although it was cut out of a larger part, so I only get about half the words. But even from the half I have, I can tell that it's really, really, stupid and depressing. I know she's a die-hard fad-follower, but seriously, this just gets on my last nerve.
Plus, the other day when I needed to straighten my hair, I had to use MY hair straightener that I let her borrow, instead of having my dad waste money on another one for her, and she yelled at me for taking it. I'm like, "It's mine. I can use it whenever the fuck I feel like. I'm allowing you to borrow it when you need it. That doesn't make it yours."
"I know!"
"So shut the fuck up then."
That also happened when I wanted to take a bath. I was planning on doing it before I went to bed. Well, she came home and had that same thought, but Lindy was over, so she said she wasn't going to. Obviously, I took advantage of that. I started the water and let it fill up some and got in. Next thing I know, she's knocking on the door yelling at me to let her in.
"I'm in the FUCKING BATHTUB. WHAT THE HELL could you possibly need to do NOW?!"
"LET ME IN!"
"NO. I'M IN THE BATHTUB. WAIT."
"NO! LET ME IN!"
"Fine, whatever. Get your shit and get the fuck out." So, she unlocks the door with the key and comes in. Well, she takes out a brush and starts brushing her hair.
"YOU FORCED YOUR WAY INTO THE BATHROOM WHILE I'M NAKED, TAKING A BATH, SO THAT YOU COULD STAND IN FRONT OF THIS SPECIFIC MIRROR AND BRUSH YOUR HAIR AT 11 O'CLOCK AT NIGHT? SERIOUSLY? GET THE FUCK OUT."
"No. I'm busy."
"NO, YOU'RE NOT. LEAVE."
"I can be here if I want, and I need to take a bath after you're done."
"I could care less if you need to take one when I'm done, but clearly I'm not. GET OUT."
"I don't have to."
"GET OUT OR I'LL REMOVE MY TOWEL."
It was completely ridiculous and I had to call my dad for the first time in years to actually physically remove her from the bathroom. All because she was mad that I was taking a bath first.
When I came out of the bathroom, it was a good thing that she didn't talk to me, because if even one word had come out of her mouth about me, she would have been on the floor bleeding. She's the least of my problems, and I really don't need to deal with her.


*sigh*
Money, money, money. Let's face it. I need it. I don't have enough; you never really do. Everything is just so complicated lately, and it's so frustrating sometimes. It's really hard to feel sympathy for one parent's money problems, because the second I leave, I have to worry about the other's. When I'm at my dad's house, there's no problem taking money from my mom, but once I'm there, there's no problem taking money from my dad. It's just really hard to concentrate on both of them, and I know it's not helping any. It shouldn't be this way. I shouldn't have to deal with this.

It's so overwhelming sometimes. I feel like I have to take care of everything. And worst of all, when I try to give money to my dad to help make essential mortgage payments, he refuses to take it, because he refuses to be considered charity. But he is, and he really needs it. His damn pride gets in the way. He tells me that I shouldn't have to pay the bills, that it's his job as the dad. But I don't understand how he can think that I would just sit by and watch our ship go down.



C'est la vie, non? Qu'est-ce Que tu peux faire?



Does anyone have a copy of Invisible Monsters that I can borrow for a week?