Theres quite a trend i noticed going on right now in the way of blog posts, and just peoples feelings in general
everyone is saying that they dont like who theyve become and that they want to change themselves, and that they dont care about school anymore. Everyone just wants to let go of what theyve accomplished and float through life.
And not to seem like i am one of the trend, surely i am not, perhaps it isnt really a trend and more of an extremely large coincedence, but i must say i agree. I hate school. I put it off time and again, never do homework, never get good grades, never do anything worth shit. But, then again, not to sound like im full of myself, but you guys are basically now realizing what i did long ago. That school isnt worth your time, and that you should just stop trying all together. Your wishing to live like i have been, and this I say to all of you who are feeling down right now, who feel like I do about everything. You dont want to live as if your floating through life, with no worries or strife. (that wasnt intended to rhyme) It is horrible, worse even, i think, than having your set in stone structure that you all have and yet take for granted.
This goes along with what i was telling carl yesterday. My parents never really told me what to do in life. There was no direction or guidance. They set me down and told me to walk when i could not yet crawl. They never told me no, but nor did they tell me yes. They seemed to shrug me off as if i wasnt important, as if i wasnt impressionable by their decisions. But i was. I fend for myself often, I have to make all of my own decisions, and you people have no idea what i wouldnt give to have parents who actually gave a shit about me and the things that i do. I would love to have someone to keep me on track, tell me to do my homework and spend less time slacking off. In fact as im writing this i should be finishing my english essay, and do you know what? no one is telling me i should. my dad is lying on the couch sleeping. I need someone to tell me i can do better, that i am smarter than i show everyone, which i know i am. But if i dont have to, then why do it? And that's what all of you strive so hard for. The ability to decide not to do something. Well i will tell you, I am so fucked up from being what you so desperately want to be.
This life, i have, is so filled with regret, and hatred and self loathing. Its completely not worth any of your time to even attempt to live like this. All it does is make you feel worse. And you know what? this is the exact reason i turned out like i did. The drugs, the alcohol, the self mutilation, just ways to make myself feel better about my failure and their disappointment, and with no one to tell me not to, why shouldnt i? its a quick fix for my problems, and it may not seem like the best alternative, but when has anyone given me any other advice, any other way to feel better? never. and i doubt anyone will.
so please, when you read this, any of you, all of you, stop thinking that it would be better for you to stop trying, to give up on everything you have. Its probably too late for me, but at least i can go down knowing that im not dragging any of you with me.
painstakingly,
heartbreakingly
your favorite failure at what you are
and loathed success at what you're not
Nov 26, 2007
If I had the guts, to put this to your head. but does anything matter, when you're already dead?
You know what?
i had this really awesome poem in my head that i thought of right before i was going to go back to bed like 15 mins ago and i was going to write it down here for you all to read it and enjoy, but the second i got to the computer i couldnt write it down like i had it in my head and it just ended up sucking because i put too much thought into it. so im sorry but you will not be able to revel in my creative genius.
maybe later i can write a better one
probably not
i have yet to put up those stories that i wrote last year that really rocked, which is like the first thing i was going to do with this blog.
Im so lazy and such a procrastinator
its really not healthy.
i had this really awesome poem in my head that i thought of right before i was going to go back to bed like 15 mins ago and i was going to write it down here for you all to read it and enjoy, but the second i got to the computer i couldnt write it down like i had it in my head and it just ended up sucking because i put too much thought into it. so im sorry but you will not be able to revel in my creative genius.
maybe later i can write a better one
probably not
i have yet to put up those stories that i wrote last year that really rocked, which is like the first thing i was going to do with this blog.
Im so lazy and such a procrastinator
its really not healthy.
Nov 24, 2007
Doesnt it feel nice to belong?
I have some things that need to be said
and you know what?
i know your going to listen
NATALIE
(i already commented this on your blog, but i feel its something that i need to say again)
if it seemed that i was coming off as hostile
i apologize
sincerly
im just not the kind of person who talks about her feelings and whatnot
and i dont share my personal life with most people. how they find out, i never can tell
i think they just assume and by some small chance they are right.
but talking about things never really comes easy for me. maybe that was why it seemed so hostile?
i dont know. but that sureashell wasnt the intention.
and how could we ever get fed up with you?
your natalie!
you are constant
there is no variations in the person that you are and the person we want to be around
why would we want to lose what is probably the only thing steady in our lives?
it is true that no one is perfect
yourself included. everyone complains about everyone else. it is a fact of life. most people wont admit it, but truth be told they are liars. Is that oxymoronic? i dont know or rightly care, but the point is, you shouldnt feel bad for complaining about people. you should feel bad that people cant deal with the fact that someone is complaining about them.
keep that in mind next time
and dont think of it as complaining
think of it as "constructive critisism" as they always seem to say. because who knows, someone might just better theirselves after hearing what you have to say as a bystander or a friend.
i trust your opinions a lot. I wish there were more of them. It never seems like there are enough people telling me "No" or "you really shouldnt do that" and as much as i rebel against what people say, i need them to tell me its wrong.
CARL
i love you
honestly and truly
and i dont know what i would ever do without you
i hate everymoment we are apart
i count the minutes until we are together
you make my life complete or as close to complete as possible
i want to cry on your shoulder
when things are wrong
i really do
but when im with you the tears wont come
you make me so happy all the time
being with you fixes things
so dont think for a minute that i dont want to talk about things with you or let you help me work it out
i want to
i just cant really cry it out with you
and although i trust everyone's opinion, except of course my parents, i trust yours way more
i need you there to tell me no. i need you to tell me that the things i do are wrong
and i need you not to get upset with me when i dont understand
or i dont see it from your point of view
you have to know that there arent many people in my life to guide me, so its almost childish how i am
i can do things just for the hell of it, because no one is there to tell me that i shouldnt
and when i do those things, i wont think about the outcome of it, or in some cases really care.
please just be patient and help me understand.
and sometimes you just confuse me so much and i know i can do the same to you, its just that the way you confuse me is not always with words. Like you say you love me but its hard for me to comprehend how much you do, and i dont want to sound needy or anything but I've never really had anyone who loved me before and there has never been someone in my life that makes me feel like you do, and so i just need reassurance that your not going to leave and that you do love me and i feel like i dont hear that enough. i feel like we use it to fill in the points when our conversations lead to silences and i want it to mean more. I want to hear it more. I want you to grab me and hold me and kiss me at the most random times, just to let me know that the word love does not just fill in the cracks and cover up the holes, but is our foundation and will keep us together, and does not just make everything seem okay on the outside.
i just have one last thing to say. why does it seem that you look for reasons to doubt me? that you look for my flaws and point them out to me and expect me not to be upset by it? like when you doubted that i would come over tomorrow because when i wrote it in the blog i said "might." I know i dont always follow through with plans but it hurts when you dont trust me or when you seem like i let you down. As reckless as i can seem at times, im very apprehensive about doing things that im not supposed to. I am a good girl. I often do as I'm told (granted its not often that im told to do anything at all), and so im very cautious about doing something that would get me in trouble, and even after i have done something a few times, i can still be nervous about doing it. i trust my instinct when it comes to danger and consequences, and that prevents me from going through with anything that i promise to do. But you must realize that as many times as my plans dont fall through, there are way more times where they do. I have told you before, if im not comfortable doing something i wont. And more often than not the intuition that guides the choices that i make is right. i trust in myself to do or not do something, and the only thing that could prevent me from going on with my decisions is that voice in the back of my head that is way wiser than the devil on my shoulder. i just need you to trust in me more and not to feel so disappointed in me when i dont live up to my word. It would kill me if i went against my concience and did something that ended up with horrible consequences, because it would just give me more reason to hate myself for it. i hate the feeling of it being my fault and i resent myself for it long after i should and it really doesnt help when you become disappointed in me. So can you please just lighten up on me and have more faith in me? aside from having you here with me, that's all i really need right now.
and you know what?
i know your going to listen
NATALIE
(i already commented this on your blog, but i feel its something that i need to say again)
if it seemed that i was coming off as hostile
i apologize
sincerly
im just not the kind of person who talks about her feelings and whatnot
and i dont share my personal life with most people. how they find out, i never can tell
i think they just assume and by some small chance they are right.
but talking about things never really comes easy for me. maybe that was why it seemed so hostile?
i dont know. but that sureashell wasnt the intention.
and how could we ever get fed up with you?
your natalie!
you are constant
there is no variations in the person that you are and the person we want to be around
why would we want to lose what is probably the only thing steady in our lives?
it is true that no one is perfect
yourself included. everyone complains about everyone else. it is a fact of life. most people wont admit it, but truth be told they are liars. Is that oxymoronic? i dont know or rightly care, but the point is, you shouldnt feel bad for complaining about people. you should feel bad that people cant deal with the fact that someone is complaining about them.
keep that in mind next time
and dont think of it as complaining
think of it as "constructive critisism" as they always seem to say. because who knows, someone might just better theirselves after hearing what you have to say as a bystander or a friend.
i trust your opinions a lot. I wish there were more of them. It never seems like there are enough people telling me "No" or "you really shouldnt do that" and as much as i rebel against what people say, i need them to tell me its wrong.
CARL
i love you
honestly and truly
and i dont know what i would ever do without you
i hate everymoment we are apart
i count the minutes until we are together
you make my life complete or as close to complete as possible
i want to cry on your shoulder
when things are wrong
i really do
but when im with you the tears wont come
you make me so happy all the time
being with you fixes things
so dont think for a minute that i dont want to talk about things with you or let you help me work it out
i want to
i just cant really cry it out with you
and although i trust everyone's opinion, except of course my parents, i trust yours way more
i need you there to tell me no. i need you to tell me that the things i do are wrong
and i need you not to get upset with me when i dont understand
or i dont see it from your point of view
you have to know that there arent many people in my life to guide me, so its almost childish how i am
i can do things just for the hell of it, because no one is there to tell me that i shouldnt
and when i do those things, i wont think about the outcome of it, or in some cases really care.
please just be patient and help me understand.
and sometimes you just confuse me so much and i know i can do the same to you, its just that the way you confuse me is not always with words. Like you say you love me but its hard for me to comprehend how much you do, and i dont want to sound needy or anything but I've never really had anyone who loved me before and there has never been someone in my life that makes me feel like you do, and so i just need reassurance that your not going to leave and that you do love me and i feel like i dont hear that enough. i feel like we use it to fill in the points when our conversations lead to silences and i want it to mean more. I want to hear it more. I want you to grab me and hold me and kiss me at the most random times, just to let me know that the word love does not just fill in the cracks and cover up the holes, but is our foundation and will keep us together, and does not just make everything seem okay on the outside.
i just have one last thing to say. why does it seem that you look for reasons to doubt me? that you look for my flaws and point them out to me and expect me not to be upset by it? like when you doubted that i would come over tomorrow because when i wrote it in the blog i said "might." I know i dont always follow through with plans but it hurts when you dont trust me or when you seem like i let you down. As reckless as i can seem at times, im very apprehensive about doing things that im not supposed to. I am a good girl. I often do as I'm told (granted its not often that im told to do anything at all), and so im very cautious about doing something that would get me in trouble, and even after i have done something a few times, i can still be nervous about doing it. i trust my instinct when it comes to danger and consequences, and that prevents me from going through with anything that i promise to do. But you must realize that as many times as my plans dont fall through, there are way more times where they do. I have told you before, if im not comfortable doing something i wont. And more often than not the intuition that guides the choices that i make is right. i trust in myself to do or not do something, and the only thing that could prevent me from going on with my decisions is that voice in the back of my head that is way wiser than the devil on my shoulder. i just need you to trust in me more and not to feel so disappointed in me when i dont live up to my word. It would kill me if i went against my concience and did something that ended up with horrible consequences, because it would just give me more reason to hate myself for it. i hate the feeling of it being my fault and i resent myself for it long after i should and it really doesnt help when you become disappointed in me. So can you please just lighten up on me and have more faith in me? aside from having you here with me, that's all i really need right now.
Nov 20, 2007
Dear future, I bought you, I own the world
i had a dream last night
it was the first one in a long time
my mom and my dad died
and then i was at school.
and just sat down and cried on carl's shoulder
after school i went back to my moms house, and her boyfriend gary was there
and we were packing all of our stuff up
because we were moving
and i looked back at my room
which at this point had been painted over
and all my stuff was gone
and i reminisced about the moments i had spent in that room
by myself or otherwise
and the moments i had spent in that house
and i began to cry again.
Then we loaded all of our stuff into the car
and went to our dad's house
and got all of our stuff from there as well
going through the same routine as at my mom's house
having moments of nostalgia as i walked through the empty places
subsequently crying
and then getting into the car to leave for godonlyknowswhere
looking back at everything for the last time
and when i woke up i was crying.
and i think now that i know why
i mean, i could care less if my mom or dad died, but the thought of losing, the only good things i have, the places that i lived and the memories i had, would truly kill me inside.
and that got me to thinking this morning, i love these houses, but they are not really homes. and for the life of me i could not say that i actually had a home.
no where that i long to return to, somewhere that i belong, that i want to be.
and when i did find a place that i could call home, it wasnt so much a single place. it was anywhere that i was with people i loved, anywhere with my friends, anywhere with carl. It's a place that i enjoy being, the only place where i am happy, that i want to be. And then i realized, that as long as i have my friends, and i have carl, i will be okay, regardless of what else happens to me.
which gets me to my point. Lots of you are always worried about me. About my problems. And now i hope that you can see, that i am fine. I always have been and always will be fine. You dont need to worry. It will all work out. I just need to deal with it my way, and you can deal with it yours.
it was the first one in a long time
my mom and my dad died
and then i was at school.
and just sat down and cried on carl's shoulder
after school i went back to my moms house, and her boyfriend gary was there
and we were packing all of our stuff up
because we were moving
and i looked back at my room
which at this point had been painted over
and all my stuff was gone
and i reminisced about the moments i had spent in that room
by myself or otherwise
and the moments i had spent in that house
and i began to cry again.
Then we loaded all of our stuff into the car
and went to our dad's house
and got all of our stuff from there as well
going through the same routine as at my mom's house
having moments of nostalgia as i walked through the empty places
subsequently crying
and then getting into the car to leave for godonlyknowswhere
looking back at everything for the last time
and when i woke up i was crying.
and i think now that i know why
i mean, i could care less if my mom or dad died, but the thought of losing, the only good things i have, the places that i lived and the memories i had, would truly kill me inside.
and that got me to thinking this morning, i love these houses, but they are not really homes. and for the life of me i could not say that i actually had a home.
no where that i long to return to, somewhere that i belong, that i want to be.
and when i did find a place that i could call home, it wasnt so much a single place. it was anywhere that i was with people i loved, anywhere with my friends, anywhere with carl. It's a place that i enjoy being, the only place where i am happy, that i want to be. And then i realized, that as long as i have my friends, and i have carl, i will be okay, regardless of what else happens to me.
which gets me to my point. Lots of you are always worried about me. About my problems. And now i hope that you can see, that i am fine. I always have been and always will be fine. You dont need to worry. It will all work out. I just need to deal with it my way, and you can deal with it yours.
Nov 13, 2007
? whatever
the world is spinning
you are standing still
i reach for you
but cannot hold on
i am slipping downward
into the eternal chaos
i reach out again
and suddenly everything is calm
my face in your hands
our lips to eachothers
and everything is right
you are standing still
i reach for you
but cannot hold on
i am slipping downward
into the eternal chaos
i reach out again
and suddenly everything is calm
my face in your hands
our lips to eachothers
and everything is right
Nov 7, 2007
season's are changing and waves are crashing and stars are falling all for us
This is not actually my poem. I got it off of vampirefreaks.com from one of the cults i am part of. it was just so beautiful though. Its called Beautifully Broken
The wanting mind...
- the yearning fingers...
hope for it not to leave...
-wish to linger...
Her romantic soul...
- the endeering body...
wanting more...
of a watchful hobby...
But the shivering nerves...
- the wailing jolts...
only to show..
feelings of repulse...
wish to touch...
- and touched in return...
yet fear coverts..
wishes to concerns...
an angel...
pure and sweet... of wine...
to fear the love...
- she loves divine...
all do wish...
for this.. curse... to break.
but her... and our love....
is not enough.. to take...
so muster... your fear...
- and dash it away.
so I may... caress... your skin...
- in glossy daze...
but... for now...
we must pay our token...
but i wish.... for you... to know... I love you.
- Because you are beautifully broken.
The wanting mind...
- the yearning fingers...
hope for it not to leave...
-wish to linger...
Her romantic soul...
- the endeering body...
wanting more...
of a watchful hobby...
But the shivering nerves...
- the wailing jolts...
only to show..
feelings of repulse...
wish to touch...
- and touched in return...
yet fear coverts..
wishes to concerns...
an angel...
pure and sweet... of wine...
to fear the love...
- she loves divine...
all do wish...
for this.. curse... to break.
but her... and our love....
is not enough.. to take...
so muster... your fear...
- and dash it away.
so I may... caress... your skin...
- in glossy daze...
but... for now...
we must pay our token...
but i wish.... for you... to know... I love you.
- Because you are beautifully broken.
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