i'm bored. i feel a need to write something, but i have nothing to write about.
*sigh*
i'm gonna go to bed. i love you all.
Apr 30, 2008
Apr 26, 2008
a clean slate, one more day further away
i have a feeling, that life is going to get a little more difficult these next few weeks. it's impending.
"well, darling, tonight could be a beautiful night to die"
"well, darling, tonight could be a beautiful night to die"
Apr 23, 2008
look at me, look at me
driving and i won't stop
and it feels so good to be: alive and on top
my reach is global
my tower secure
my cause is noble
my power is pure
(if it is short lived)
So, What's it feel like to be a ghost?
not nearly as good as it was to be alive.
are you proud:
you should know by now that the tighter you pull that leash, the further i'm going to run when you take it off.
naivety is not something you should pride yourself on mother dearest. it makes you seem a fool. but maybe that's just because you are.
i just hope you know, the things you do don't make you many friends. and i should know, those are what you need most when your on your way down. luckily for me, the bottom always kept getting lower, but the problem for you is, there is a rock bottom, because your at the end of your rope.
I just want you to know before you let me go, it's your fault I'm demoralized.
and it feels so good to be: alive and on top
my reach is global
my tower secure
my cause is noble
my power is pure
(if it is short lived)
So, What's it feel like to be a ghost?
not nearly as good as it was to be alive.
are you proud:
- of me now
- that i still wake up wishing to die
- that i try harder than ever to alienate myself from you
- that i don't respect you
- that i don't like you
- that i won't look you in the eyes
- that everything i say to you is a lie
- that living closer to you just makes me grow further apart?
you should know by now that the tighter you pull that leash, the further i'm going to run when you take it off.
naivety is not something you should pride yourself on mother dearest. it makes you seem a fool. but maybe that's just because you are.
i just hope you know, the things you do don't make you many friends. and i should know, those are what you need most when your on your way down. luckily for me, the bottom always kept getting lower, but the problem for you is, there is a rock bottom, because your at the end of your rope.
I just want you to know before you let me go, it's your fault I'm demoralized.
Apr 16, 2008
and who are you to lecture me?
time for one of these again, partially spawned from discussions with natalie at lunch.
1. all the things that happen to you, you've had coming to you. i think even you know that. you hold onto everything and everyone and have this fantastical view of the world. the only time i will ever actually feel sorry for you and your problems is when you finally get to experience what you've always dreamt of and then you ruin it because of your clingy, self-hating ways. all your ever going to do is drive people further away from you if you can't love the things you have and only grow jealous and longing of what everyone else does.
2. oh boy. what to do with you? it's pointless for me to sit here and complain about the way you live your life. i mean, no one can change you but yourself. and i guess we all live vicariously through you. but you know that you can't go on living like you do. it's fun while it lasts, but the party has to stop sometime. do you think that the things you do are going to be better in the longrun? all you do is mess up relationships with people, not just guys, but everyone because of your carelessness. i hate to sound like your mother, but you really need to shape up soon.
3. where have you been? not to say i need you as in i am dependent on you, or that i have a problem and you weren't there, but i need you. and all you seem to do is push me away. you care less and less about talking to me outside of school. we still have fun, but i fear that high school has changed us both too much to go back to the way things were.
4. next year! i hope it works out too. i don't doubt that it will. if it doesn't, i will make it. no matter what, next year will be better. i miss you! a lot. and you have such amazing friends. it seems that every time i turn around, you have someone new to introduce me to. i've made so many more friends through you than through school in general. some of those friends i have developed deeper bonds with, others i feel just as distant as the day i met them, but never do i regret knowing anyone that you know, because that means that they are interesting enough to be worth my time.
5. your an asshole. a big one. and every conversation we've ever had is fucking hilarious. your a good friend. even though your an asshole (believe it or not). you know quite a bit about me, and you know i don't expect sympathy, but thanks for not giving criticism. i've messed up a bit, and i know it. but thanks for not rubbing it in.
6. i want a taco. and a slurpee. you should buy it for me :) you know what? never mind. i'd feel bad taking money from you. i'll get $20 from my dad instead xD
7. HURRY UP AND BE UNGROUNDED. we need to celebrate. it's been a while. too long in fact. i miss you! is that strange to say? 5/1 i expect to party hard.
8. i love you. so much. i miss you every second of everyday. i know that sounds a little obsessive to most, but i do. i miss the way you smell, and the way you hold me, and the way your lips feel against mine. the way you accept me for everything i am, even though i can't. the way you can brighten my day no matter what. i love the way you laugh and the way you look at me and the way you joke with me and i love the way that you keep me close. you say all the right things at exactly the right time but you mean everything to me and i do know why.
9. ugh. i really just tire of hearing you speak. your a good friend and all, but you never talk about anything worth the effort of listening. and honestly, listening to your voice is one of the most annoying things i have ever done in my life. and i really can't relate to you anymore. your problems aren't even close to mine, and you tend to blow things out of proportion all the time.
10. two words: fucking creep
11.you know what? i really have nothing different to say about you other than what i said about #9. Your a fucking fatass and a whore who tries to play innocent. all i ever hear you do is complain about someone or gossip. can't you just deal with the fact that people are different? why does it matter that so-and-so is going out with whatshisname? and then your all over every guy you see and you try to tell me that you don't like them in that way. and maybe you don't, but all your doing is setting yourself up to be taken advantage of. And you know what else? all i ever do is see you eat. whenever you walk into math, the first thing you always say is "WHO HAS FOOD?!" you complain about how fat you are, even though your not. but if you continue on like this you will be, and i won't have any pity for you. I mean, at first i tried to help you, "Don't eat that. Give that to me, you don't need it." but do you remember what you did? you stole it back from me, yelled at me for taking your things and proceeded to eat another two. I'm tired of feeling sorry for you. Everything that happens to you, you bring upon yourself because if you spit into the air, it will always land back in your face.
12. your among many, many friends i find myself losing as the year goes on. not even purposefully, although i could make a case for you. of course i'm going to lose you if you isolate yourself from all the people you used to know. i've made an effort to keep in touch with you, but your the one who's not really trying. just don't say later on that you miss us, because that's obviously a lie.
1. all the things that happen to you, you've had coming to you. i think even you know that. you hold onto everything and everyone and have this fantastical view of the world. the only time i will ever actually feel sorry for you and your problems is when you finally get to experience what you've always dreamt of and then you ruin it because of your clingy, self-hating ways. all your ever going to do is drive people further away from you if you can't love the things you have and only grow jealous and longing of what everyone else does.
2. oh boy. what to do with you? it's pointless for me to sit here and complain about the way you live your life. i mean, no one can change you but yourself. and i guess we all live vicariously through you. but you know that you can't go on living like you do. it's fun while it lasts, but the party has to stop sometime. do you think that the things you do are going to be better in the longrun? all you do is mess up relationships with people, not just guys, but everyone because of your carelessness. i hate to sound like your mother, but you really need to shape up soon.
3. where have you been? not to say i need you as in i am dependent on you, or that i have a problem and you weren't there, but i need you. and all you seem to do is push me away. you care less and less about talking to me outside of school. we still have fun, but i fear that high school has changed us both too much to go back to the way things were.
4. next year! i hope it works out too. i don't doubt that it will. if it doesn't, i will make it. no matter what, next year will be better. i miss you! a lot. and you have such amazing friends. it seems that every time i turn around, you have someone new to introduce me to. i've made so many more friends through you than through school in general. some of those friends i have developed deeper bonds with, others i feel just as distant as the day i met them, but never do i regret knowing anyone that you know, because that means that they are interesting enough to be worth my time.
5. your an asshole. a big one. and every conversation we've ever had is fucking hilarious. your a good friend. even though your an asshole (believe it or not). you know quite a bit about me, and you know i don't expect sympathy, but thanks for not giving criticism. i've messed up a bit, and i know it. but thanks for not rubbing it in.
6. i want a taco. and a slurpee. you should buy it for me :) you know what? never mind. i'd feel bad taking money from you. i'll get $20 from my dad instead xD
7. HURRY UP AND BE UNGROUNDED. we need to celebrate. it's been a while. too long in fact. i miss you! is that strange to say? 5/1 i expect to party hard.
8. i love you. so much. i miss you every second of everyday. i know that sounds a little obsessive to most, but i do. i miss the way you smell, and the way you hold me, and the way your lips feel against mine. the way you accept me for everything i am, even though i can't. the way you can brighten my day no matter what. i love the way you laugh and the way you look at me and the way you joke with me and i love the way that you keep me close. you say all the right things at exactly the right time but you mean everything to me and i do know why.
9. ugh. i really just tire of hearing you speak. your a good friend and all, but you never talk about anything worth the effort of listening. and honestly, listening to your voice is one of the most annoying things i have ever done in my life. and i really can't relate to you anymore. your problems aren't even close to mine, and you tend to blow things out of proportion all the time.
10. two words: fucking creep
11.
12. your among many, many friends i find myself losing as the year goes on. not even purposefully, although i could make a case for you. of course i'm going to lose you if you isolate yourself from all the people you used to know. i've made an effort to keep in touch with you, but your the one who's not really trying. just don't say later on that you miss us, because that's obviously a lie.
Apr 13, 2008
for lack of a better word and that's my best excuse
love i'm sorry i didn't come over last night. i just ended up not really wanting to go. i love you a lot, but last night just wasn't... right.
i'll come over tonight though i promise. :)
so, patching things up with dillon sort of. it was his idea.
i mean, i got him weed sort of, we hung out sort of, smoked some and talked, like we used to. sort of. and he walked me home, like he used to. i mean, things aren't the best, and they will never be like what they were. i don't think anything will bring us back to that, but it's better than it was. not entirely broken, but not entirely fixed.
he found himself a girlfriend. which is good. i guess. one of the blanchard twins. i hate them so much, but whatever. it's not my place to say who he should date, even before we became... strained.
i'm feeling pretty good right now i guess. i'm fine with my place in the world. i'm not fine with me. i'm never fine with me, strictly because i'm never the way i want to be. no one's perfect, but i can't deal with the fact that i'm not. i guess most of us in this world are like that. pushes some people to extremes. i don't try to let it get to me, but... it gets through occasionally. you can't stand solid forever.
i finally got my sister in so much trouble that she'll never be the same person again. i can finally die happy. it was convenient that on that exact morning i decided i was tired of all of her shit and that i was going to print off one of her im conversations to show my mom just how bad she is. and sure enough, karma has a good way of helping out in the best of times, and james happened to have printed off one such convo the night before. and it was especially terrible. she was making fun of this girl named mary whose dad just died of cancer. i don't think i've ever seen my mom so angry. literally ever. she beat the hell out of my sister for that one. i'm sure i'll get around to telling all the juicy details and such, but i'm watching a movie right now, and it's hard to concentrate on both.
goodnight one and all,
bienvenue à la vie et bienvenue à l'enfer
remember:
i love you
i'll come over tonight though i promise. :)
so, patching things up with dillon sort of. it was his idea.
i mean, i got him weed sort of, we hung out sort of, smoked some and talked, like we used to. sort of. and he walked me home, like he used to. i mean, things aren't the best, and they will never be like what they were. i don't think anything will bring us back to that, but it's better than it was. not entirely broken, but not entirely fixed.
he found himself a girlfriend. which is good. i guess. one of the blanchard twins. i hate them so much, but whatever. it's not my place to say who he should date, even before we became... strained.
i'm feeling pretty good right now i guess. i'm fine with my place in the world. i'm not fine with me. i'm never fine with me, strictly because i'm never the way i want to be. no one's perfect, but i can't deal with the fact that i'm not. i guess most of us in this world are like that. pushes some people to extremes. i don't try to let it get to me, but... it gets through occasionally. you can't stand solid forever.
i finally got my sister in so much trouble that she'll never be the same person again. i can finally die happy. it was convenient that on that exact morning i decided i was tired of all of her shit and that i was going to print off one of her im conversations to show my mom just how bad she is. and sure enough, karma has a good way of helping out in the best of times, and james happened to have printed off one such convo the night before. and it was especially terrible. she was making fun of this girl named mary whose dad just died of cancer. i don't think i've ever seen my mom so angry. literally ever. she beat the hell out of my sister for that one. i'm sure i'll get around to telling all the juicy details and such, but i'm watching a movie right now, and it's hard to concentrate on both.
goodnight one and all,
bienvenue à la vie et bienvenue à l'enfer
remember:
i love you
Apr 4, 2008
i dont know how i got this way, i'll never be alright
so i'm breaking the habit tonight
technically, it started yesterday. but same difference. today was fun. not so much the in school part. hardcore detox man. uncool. felt like shit, it wasn't fully out of my system until like 5:00. but afterwards at frost "helping", was fun.
yeah, so yesterday at lunch, chad/ryan had a bag of pills. he gave some to andrew, andrew gave them to me, i put them in my mouth and that's pretty much how it started. i know, i know. i'm stupid. i had five. i started feeling it in fourth hour, i zoned out during the lecture and when i zoned back in, i knew i was fucked up. fifth hour was... at the very least painful. i sat down, looked at sarah and said, "i feel like throwing up." obviously she asked me what happened and i told her the whole story. and then she proceeds to tell me about her experience with it. she took 1, got completely fucked, and on the way to a friends house threw up everywhere. she had 1. i had 5. so at this point, i'm not feeling too good anymore. i last through most of the hour, and then the last 15-20 minutes, i get up and walk over to natalie's desk.
"i don't feel good. i'm gonna throw up."
"like seriously? are you gonna make it to the bathroom?"
"NOPE"
i calmly walked to the trash can, bent down, and proceeded to puke. the funny thing is, no one even noticed for the longest time. natalie was just kind of standing there awkwardly, because what is she supposed to do? so finally mme. jenkins came over and was like, "are you okay? do you want to go to the office or the bathroom or something?" you know, standard questions. i mean, after the puking, i felt pretty good, so i was like, "no, i'm fine. really. just let me do my business here and i'll be okay." and then i turned back and vomited some more. the next thing i know, i stand up and turn around and the ENTIRE CLASS is standing in a big circle around me and it was really weird because they were just staring at me as i'm wiping vomit off my face with my sleeve because they didn't have any kleenex. and then johnny made my entire day with this:
"HEY! how about we all crowd around her and make her feel even more sick!" it made me laugh at least. they wouldn't leave me alone and kept asking if i was okay. of course i'm okay. if i wasn't, i'd still be up-chucking. it was really funny though because sarah was just sitting there on the desk by me kicking her feet and just looking back and forth between me and natalie. she told me later that she had gone over there to text some people and then the next thing she knows the entire class is there watching me. she said, she knew i was over there, but she didn't realize what i was actually doing. basically, the only ones who really knew what was happening was natalie and sarah, and mary flaharty sort of knew, because she overheard me talking to sarah about it all (after all she does sit right next to sarah). so they were all just sort of looking at each other and then at me and altogether it was really awkward.
after i got a drink of water, which tasted pretty nasty because of all the acid in my throat, i came back to the classroom, grabbed my stuff, and left because the bell rang. that was it. sarah also told me later that a bunch of people came up to her and asked what was wrong with me. and then she told me that kelsey didn't believe that i had really thrown up and like, checked the trash bin to see. which i thought was really gross and funny at the same time.
so yeah, after that, i decided never again. EVER. seriously. never. so today i've been detoxing hardcore. drinking water, ginseng tea, citrus-y things. still felt like shit though. it was still in my system, and i was sickly; and you could see it on my face and by the way i looked. there was no effort in appearance at all. i threw on some pants and carl's hoodie and walked out the door.
so then i went up to frost to "help" with whatever they were doing. went to the woods and they got stoned (remember i'm hxc detoxing; which means getting them OUT of my system). altogether, it was really fun. tom is... well, tom. he managed to hit me square in the forehead with a watermelon slice in the middle of a makeout session. i will admit that was a good shot. my hair's all sticky now though. he also kneed me in the ass pretty good. he was a little to the left, but he hit me so hard it went numb and i had to sit down. they were all douche bags and didn't tell me it was coming. they saw him. joe even pointed out that he literally wound up to do it. whatever, not that i expect any less from them. but still, a heads up would have been nice. by anyone. don't worry though, tom's moment will come. revenge is sweet my friends, and let me assure you that when i get him back, it will be VERY sweet.
i'm not really sure what it was, but i was really horny today. the only problem is, we were at a middle school. and also, i couldn't come over tonight to his house. i gotta get quite a bit of sleep, with the business of my tomorrow. i wish i could have, but i'll see him tomorrow and we'll do some special things ;)
i'm not really sure of what's in store for me tomorrow. probably something epic. it always is.
i'm just wondering though if lizzi is mad at me for telling tom things. i hope not. it just slipped out in conversation. i didn't think he would call you right then and there to bring it up.
technically, it started yesterday. but same difference. today was fun. not so much the in school part. hardcore detox man. uncool. felt like shit, it wasn't fully out of my system until like 5:00. but afterwards at frost "helping", was fun.
yeah, so yesterday at lunch, chad/ryan had a bag of pills. he gave some to andrew, andrew gave them to me, i put them in my mouth and that's pretty much how it started. i know, i know. i'm stupid. i had five. i started feeling it in fourth hour, i zoned out during the lecture and when i zoned back in, i knew i was fucked up. fifth hour was... at the very least painful. i sat down, looked at sarah and said, "i feel like throwing up." obviously she asked me what happened and i told her the whole story. and then she proceeds to tell me about her experience with it. she took 1, got completely fucked, and on the way to a friends house threw up everywhere. she had 1. i had 5. so at this point, i'm not feeling too good anymore. i last through most of the hour, and then the last 15-20 minutes, i get up and walk over to natalie's desk.
"i don't feel good. i'm gonna throw up."
"like seriously? are you gonna make it to the bathroom?"
"NOPE"
i calmly walked to the trash can, bent down, and proceeded to puke. the funny thing is, no one even noticed for the longest time. natalie was just kind of standing there awkwardly, because what is she supposed to do? so finally mme. jenkins came over and was like, "are you okay? do you want to go to the office or the bathroom or something?" you know, standard questions. i mean, after the puking, i felt pretty good, so i was like, "no, i'm fine. really. just let me do my business here and i'll be okay." and then i turned back and vomited some more. the next thing i know, i stand up and turn around and the ENTIRE CLASS is standing in a big circle around me and it was really weird because they were just staring at me as i'm wiping vomit off my face with my sleeve because they didn't have any kleenex. and then johnny made my entire day with this:
"HEY! how about we all crowd around her and make her feel even more sick!" it made me laugh at least. they wouldn't leave me alone and kept asking if i was okay. of course i'm okay. if i wasn't, i'd still be up-chucking. it was really funny though because sarah was just sitting there on the desk by me kicking her feet and just looking back and forth between me and natalie. she told me later that she had gone over there to text some people and then the next thing she knows the entire class is there watching me. she said, she knew i was over there, but she didn't realize what i was actually doing. basically, the only ones who really knew what was happening was natalie and sarah, and mary flaharty sort of knew, because she overheard me talking to sarah about it all (after all she does sit right next to sarah). so they were all just sort of looking at each other and then at me and altogether it was really awkward.
after i got a drink of water, which tasted pretty nasty because of all the acid in my throat, i came back to the classroom, grabbed my stuff, and left because the bell rang. that was it. sarah also told me later that a bunch of people came up to her and asked what was wrong with me. and then she told me that kelsey didn't believe that i had really thrown up and like, checked the trash bin to see. which i thought was really gross and funny at the same time.
so yeah, after that, i decided never again. EVER. seriously. never. so today i've been detoxing hardcore. drinking water, ginseng tea, citrus-y things. still felt like shit though. it was still in my system, and i was sickly; and you could see it on my face and by the way i looked. there was no effort in appearance at all. i threw on some pants and carl's hoodie and walked out the door.
so then i went up to frost to "help" with whatever they were doing. went to the woods and they got stoned (remember i'm hxc detoxing; which means getting them OUT of my system). altogether, it was really fun. tom is... well, tom. he managed to hit me square in the forehead with a watermelon slice in the middle of a makeout session. i will admit that was a good shot. my hair's all sticky now though. he also kneed me in the ass pretty good. he was a little to the left, but he hit me so hard it went numb and i had to sit down. they were all douche bags and didn't tell me it was coming. they saw him. joe even pointed out that he literally wound up to do it. whatever, not that i expect any less from them. but still, a heads up would have been nice. by anyone. don't worry though, tom's moment will come. revenge is sweet my friends, and let me assure you that when i get him back, it will be VERY sweet.
i'm not really sure what it was, but i was really horny today. the only problem is, we were at a middle school. and also, i couldn't come over tonight to his house. i gotta get quite a bit of sleep, with the business of my tomorrow. i wish i could have, but i'll see him tomorrow and we'll do some special things ;)
i'm not really sure of what's in store for me tomorrow. probably something epic. it always is.
i'm just wondering though if lizzi is mad at me for telling tom things. i hope not. it just slipped out in conversation. i didn't think he would call you right then and there to bring it up.
Apr 3, 2008
a slap in the face always hits harder when it's from someone you love
and i think, right now, i deserve one of those slaps.
i'm sorry. and i mean it this time. i'm done. I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD I'M DONE. i don't know if you can trust me, i don't know if you'll accept my apology, i don't even know if you'll believe me, but i'm sorry and i promise that i'm done forever. no more. not after what happened today.
it's not your fault so please stop your crying now
say that to help me feel better, not so guilty, but, it is my fault. it's always my fault. i always hurt you. and it's not fair. you don't deserve me in the least. there's got to be someone better out there for you.
i love you
i'm sorry. and i mean it this time. i'm done. I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD I'M DONE. i don't know if you can trust me, i don't know if you'll accept my apology, i don't even know if you'll believe me, but i'm sorry and i promise that i'm done forever. no more. not after what happened today.
it's not your fault so please stop your crying now
say that to help me feel better, not so guilty, but, it is my fault. it's always my fault. i always hurt you. and it's not fair. you don't deserve me in the least. there's got to be someone better out there for you.
i love you
Apr 2, 2008
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