I would take it all back if I could, but I won't!

I took a step back as the room was filling up and I was packed up against these people who were tossing up a strong vibe. Well, now the door's locked and the shower's on, and I realize I don't recognize anyone, but I don't mind. Well the neighbors have complained damn near every night. The neighbors have complained damn near every night.
"Should’ve shown up, should’ve shown up by now. They should have shown up by now." With a knock at the door, the knock at the door as it goes... Whoa-o-oa Whoa-o-oa.

Well now everybody's losing control. Intoxicated circulation... Just try to sit back, get my palette wet, and get me mentally prepared for the consequences and you know why: because that knock at the door calls the crowd to quiet. The neighbors have complained damn near every night.
"Should’ve shown up, should’ve shown up by now. They should have shown up by now."
"Give it a rest, give it a rest, give it a rest!"
"Should’ve shown up, should’ve shown up by now. They should have shown up by now." With a knock at the door, the knock at the door as it goes... Whoa-o-oa Whoa-o-oa Whoa-o-oa Whoa-o-oa

«There's no one left lying on the second story floorboards and I'm sure they heard next door, but the bottles are hollow now and there's room at the bottom, and I would take it all back if I could, but I won't!»

Sit back, get my palette wet, and get me mentally prepared for the consequences and you know why: because the neighbors have complained damn near every night. The neighbors have complained damn near every night.
"Should’ve shown up, should’ve shown up by now. They should have shown up by now."
"Give it a rest. Give it a rest. Give it a rest!"
"Should’ve shown up, should’ve shown up by now. They should have shown up by now." With a knock at the door, the knock at the door as it goes... Whoa-o-oa Whoa-o-oa Whoa-o-oa Whoa-o-o....





Party's on. Guest list?

Around we go, round again in circles

Play this game over again.

I'm so tired.
I know this is going to be an normal thing. It's the only time I feel like I really belong anywhere. And I know I have no right to pass judgment, but sometimes I can't help it.

I took your advice and moved a lot of my stuff to my dad's. Half of my clothes are there and my room is starting to feel a little more like mine. By no means do I feel like I live there yet, but it's a start.

I really need a tomorrow. Where I can just enjoy myself, and him. I'm getting so stressed out. It really shows. I'm tired, I can't concentrate, I'm just not all the way there sometimes. For god's sake, I missed him in the hallway about 3 times today when he was right near me.

I got a new TV. It actually has cable! For the first time in many months, I can actually watch TV. It feels really nice, but I haven't had much time to get acquainted with it. I also don't have a remote for it, but with the layout of my room, it's not unbearable. Besides, I can afford to manually change channels if I have to.

Speaking of which, I changed my room so that I basically have a really big desk in the corner. The main part was actually the top of a corner computer desk that would surround the monitor, but it was kind of bulky so I figured I could use it. Then, I paired the other two desks I have (one of which is an end table, and the other, an old unused cabinet) on the side of it, essentially extending it about 2 feet on either side. I put that in the south west corner and put my bed horizontal to the east wall and as close to my mirror as possible. The left over desk (which is actually a desk), I kept in the same spot, just turned it 90º and moved it over a foot and a half. It basically leaves me with a giant empty space on the floor in the middle of my room. It looks a whole lot better now, and it's a little more convenient to get into. Plus, now I have lots of shelves to keep my shit (and I have LOTS of that).

By the way, my sister is becoming an emo kid now. I just found a picture she left at the computer desk of a girl hanging in a closet with the word "solution?" underneath. The girl basically looks like the ones that I draw, with the long white dress and long straight hair; kind of minimalistic. On the back is this really emo poem, although it was cut out of a larger part, so I only get about half the words. But even from the half I have, I can tell that it's really, really, stupid and depressing. I know she's a die-hard fad-follower, but seriously, this just gets on my last nerve.
Plus, the other day when I needed to straighten my hair, I had to use MY hair straightener that I let her borrow, instead of having my dad waste money on another one for her, and she yelled at me for taking it. I'm like, "It's mine. I can use it whenever the fuck I feel like. I'm allowing you to borrow it when you need it. That doesn't make it yours."
"I know!"
"So shut the fuck up then."
That also happened when I wanted to take a bath. I was planning on doing it before I went to bed. Well, she came home and had that same thought, but Lindy was over, so she said she wasn't going to. Obviously, I took advantage of that. I started the water and let it fill up some and got in. Next thing I know, she's knocking on the door yelling at me to let her in.
"I'm in the FUCKING BATHTUB. WHAT THE HELL could you possibly need to do NOW?!"
"LET ME IN!"
"NO. I'M IN THE BATHTUB. WAIT."
"NO! LET ME IN!"
"Fine, whatever. Get your shit and get the fuck out." So, she unlocks the door with the key and comes in. Well, she takes out a brush and starts brushing her hair.
"YOU FORCED YOUR WAY INTO THE BATHROOM WHILE I'M NAKED, TAKING A BATH, SO THAT YOU COULD STAND IN FRONT OF THIS SPECIFIC MIRROR AND BRUSH YOUR HAIR AT 11 O'CLOCK AT NIGHT? SERIOUSLY? GET THE FUCK OUT."
"No. I'm busy."
"NO, YOU'RE NOT. LEAVE."
"I can be here if I want, and I need to take a bath after you're done."
"I could care less if you need to take one when I'm done, but clearly I'm not. GET OUT."
"I don't have to."
"GET OUT OR I'LL REMOVE MY TOWEL."
It was completely ridiculous and I had to call my dad for the first time in years to actually physically remove her from the bathroom. All because she was mad that I was taking a bath first.
When I came out of the bathroom, it was a good thing that she didn't talk to me, because if even one word had come out of her mouth about me, she would have been on the floor bleeding. She's the least of my problems, and I really don't need to deal with her.


*sigh*
Money, money, money. Let's face it. I need it. I don't have enough; you never really do. Everything is just so complicated lately, and it's so frustrating sometimes. It's really hard to feel sympathy for one parent's money problems, because the second I leave, I have to worry about the other's. When I'm at my dad's house, there's no problem taking money from my mom, but once I'm there, there's no problem taking money from my dad. It's just really hard to concentrate on both of them, and I know it's not helping any. It shouldn't be this way. I shouldn't have to deal with this.

It's so overwhelming sometimes. I feel like I have to take care of everything. And worst of all, when I try to give money to my dad to help make essential mortgage payments, he refuses to take it, because he refuses to be considered charity. But he is, and he really needs it. His damn pride gets in the way. He tells me that I shouldn't have to pay the bills, that it's his job as the dad. But I don't understand how he can think that I would just sit by and watch our ship go down.



C'est la vie, non? Qu'est-ce Que tu peux faire?



Does anyone have a copy of Invisible Monsters that I can borrow for a week?

At the late night, double feature, picture show

I hate the feeling when you have a song in mind, but can only remember scant few words of it but no tune, so that there's no way of figuring out what it is, and the words remind you of other songs, so you get those stuck in your head and it's even more difficult to remember the song that you really want. Because that's happening right now. All I can remember from the song is a sentence that ends with "...I didn't like that."

I burned my finger on a toaster oven. I'm really hungry. Probably haven't eaten in about 18 hours.

I've been misspelling words a lot, but not really misspelling them, more like mistyping them. It's like my brain and my fingers have lost a connection somehow. I know what I want to type, but that's not the words that come out. They'll be real words, just not the ones that I need.

I've decided recently that I don't care anymore. I'm going to do what makes me happy, regardless of what anyone else wants me to. Well, except for Carl. I still care about what he thinks, and he already puts up with a lot of crazy things from me.

I'm at peace right now. I'm happy, but not overly so, and I'm not sad or angry really. Sort of frustrated at certain things, but not really angry. I hope it stays this way because even I'm tired of that roller coaster.

The show was great, but I have a sneaking suspicion that something was up with Chelsea, which I'm sure I'll find out about later. She's got a lot of homework to do tomorrow, so I don't expect to hear from her right away though. My forehead is still red, and I have an abundant lack of objects from the upper torso area (a joke that only two of you will get, and you won't get it in the same way), and a bag of rice that I went through the process of sneaking in and never using.

I miss you.

Do anything and I'll love ya.

Nicole brought up marriage. It's been making itself present lately. I told her that we've never talked about it. She thought I was kidding.
But it makes sense. In retrospect, 14 months and 4 days isn't when you think about getting married. It takes years and years of being together and living with each other constantly before even thinking about it. And plus it takes WORK. You have to be able to handle that, because you can't solve everything with divorce or plastic surgery. The thing I always tell Carl is: Give and Take. You have to be able to compromise, and you can't let pride get in the way. There's a reason it's one of the 7 deadly sins. Pride may make you a war hero, but it doesn't bring a father home.
Along with that, you have to have forgiveness. You will never get anywhere if you don't forgive. You can't hold every mistake and flaw above their heads and expect things to end well. I try my best with this, and some of you know that, but some of you also know that I'm not nearly mature enough to handle everything, and sometimes I get really upset. Granted, you need to know when to take a stand for yourself, but otherwise, let it go. A lot of things are completely trivial. They won't matter ten years from now; Hell, they probably won't even matter a few months from now.
But there's one more roadblock. As much as I don't think about it (which I try never to do), there is the fact that we may not be together all the way through high school and on to the rest of our lives. The fact is, high school relationships are usually very fickle and come and go, and it's entirely possible this flame might go out. Plus, we don't even have a clue as to what we're actually going to do once we get out of high school. What's the point of racing toward marriage if you haven't even gotten out of the gates yet? I mean, there's not a chance in my mind that it's going to end, because I won't give up that easily, but no one knows what the future holds. I'm not going to get my hopes up just so that they can crash even harder when he's gone.

All in all, I don't see the point in it. So why should we have even thought about marriage? We're 15. We've got our whole lives ahead of us to work these things out. There's always time, and let's face it, this isn't the time to do it. Not that I don't feel happy for those who have it in their heads that they'll get married; it's a strong possibility you might, but I'm not going to rush into it, and I shouldn't have to.

And if I don't make it, know that I loved you all along

I'm tired of arguing.

I love you. A lot. You will never lose me. I could never leave you. Don't even think about it OK? Because it won't ever happen.

By then you'd like to do with out, there's nothing new to talk about

And though our kids are blessed, their parents let them shoulder all the blame.

Le taudis qu'on appelle maison.

You may not know what happened. It's not that important.

We got caught. It happens. Things aren't bad. They've been much worse. They're just ill at ease right now. Somewhat mistrusting. It'll blow over. Until then, I get weekends with him unless he or I am invited to go somewhere with the other.

I've been stockpiling money. I plan on enjoying myself for once. I'm tired of people calling and asking and I'm tired of saying no. I need this. I want this. This is for me. And perhaps for some other people; depending. I have $30. It's not much, but considering I've gotten it all within 5 days, it's a decent amount. Although I know there are plenty of people I know who dwarf that in a single day. I don't really care that much. I'm proud of my petty thievery; be it as it may, thievery.

I've taken a sudden interest in Requiem for a Dream. Haven't actually seen it, but I plan on it. Next time anyway. Then I have to find π. It might be the thought of Jared Leto, it may be the entire plot, its fame, or just the fact that Placebo wrote a song for it that I happen to love immensely.

I'm very tired, have a lack of clothing, and tons of web-surfing/catching up to do. Salut, bonsoir.

I don't want to come back down from this cloud.

There is nothing that can bring me down today.
I'm over the moon and among the stars now, and you can't fall in space.

Everything we had is no longer there

Due to some unfortunate circumstances, I will be virtually never at my dad's house, therefore, virtually never online. Except after school on Fridays, or special occasions when I need to use the computer for homework.

I'm not in trouble. My Dad is. That is all that you need to know.


By the way, the rule of the house is that no one is allowed to tell my grandma xD

Anyway, making good use of the time I have here, I'll tell you about what I did.
Went to Frankenmuth, took a ferry ride, walked around the gift shops, bought fudge, took pictures, went to the museum, stole. A lot. I paid for nothing that I brought home except for the fudge and the stuff from Bronner's.
Do you want to know how much I stole? I took a hinged panel from the museum.

Tomorrow I'm going to a talk for three hours with Carl and his family. I hope things aren't awkward. Then again, I don't think it can get anymore awkward than last night when I learned some things about Gary.

A bientôt. Hopefully.

Now I'm stuck on rewind

I'm sorry.

What do you want of me? Tell me where the line lies.
I don't want to be like this anymore.






By the way, what was with your dad in the car? He was awfully quiet. Then again, I talked a lot more than usual. Sorry about that too. And thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you for the 7th time. I didn't forget.

I figured out how to finish my homework. Simple conversion is all.

Scale of 1-10?
because I'm a 6.

Said it's cold in this town, and there's snow on the ground. Far from home, not alone, I've left you with nothing and that's what you owe.

I bought new shoes. They're white converse. They will not be white tomorrow. You all will help me with that.

Liz: It was Chelsea. In the car. Saying goodbye.

*sigh* I made you feel happier, but I just made myself more frustrated. It's not you, I swear it. It's me. I'm frustrated because I can't seem to grasp the light board. I mean, sure I've gotten a lot of it down, but when it comes to you calling out cues, I just freeze up and I can't comprehend what you're saying. The words just go in one ear and out the other and my brain is left behind trying to make sense of it all. And looking at all of those toggles and dimmers just overwhelms me. Plus, it doesn't help when I make stupid little mistakes and so nothing I do turns out right.

It's not even really the light board. I mean, a lot of it does have to do with the light board, but math too, and chemistry. I just can't seem to process what I'm doing anymore and it's only been a month of school. My memory is lapsing and I keep forgetting little things and making little mistakes, but they just keep adding up. I'll remember to bring home my stuff for one subject that I finished my homework in, and forget the stuff for the subject that I actually have to do.
It's just hard to feel like I'm doing anything right anymore.

And the other thing is the fact that I don't like when I don't know things; I've told you this before. I don't like it when I feel inferior to everyone else. I don't like it when I feel like I'm not on the same page, like I'm being left behind, and that's how I'm starting to feel now. I feel weak.

I need a few days off to recuperate, but losing time isn't going to help me any.
I can't handle this. You said I need to learn to ask for help, so I will.

Help me.