Hold on, hold on tonight love. We'll sleep forever.

I found out something wonderful today.

:] _____________________*_____________________ ]:

When you look at it from a different perspective, it makes it all seem worth it.

When I was young I knew everything. She, a punk who rarely ever took advice.

I figured, since I'm not going to see you to give it to you, I will do it on here because I know you will read this. I have it on an actual note. I'll probably give it to you tomorrow.

I love how I'm not embarrassed to cry in front of you. I love how you don't take no for an answer. I love how I can share all of my fears with you and you can share all of yours with me. I love when you wipe away my tears. I love knowing that you'll cry with me. I love that you don't mind that I sometimes cry out my nose. I love that you always know when something is wrong. I love when you force me to look at you even though I just want to bury my head and cry. I love how you always know what to say to make me feel better. I love how you wanted to see tears drip out my nose. I love how you would wan me to move on. I love how you tried to get me to promise impossible things. I love how you know so much more than I do but don't rub it in. I love how we both wish for what the other has. I love how we could lay in bed not facing each other for minutes but the second I shed a tear, you always seem to roll over exactly then. I love how you called me on someone else's phone in the middle of school just to see why I wasn't there. I love how I had to call someone else to tell you I wasn't going to be at school because your cell phone has no minutes and I didn't want to call your house at an ungodly time in the morning. I love how I had to call her and ask to tell you because I was worried about you sitting there alone and disappointed when I didn't show up. I love how everything I do revolves around you. I love how I cried for half an hour after we hung up the phone because I felt bad about making you lonely all day. I love how you think that if you died it would be simple for me to just move on afterwards. I love how you expect me not to die if you did. I love how you think the circumstances would be different if you died because I died first. I love how you think that I could find another person after you're gone. I love imagining us as senile old people. I love walking down the street and seeing an old couple holding hands and knowing that we could be like that one day. I love how I spend all of my time thinking about you. I love how I can't do anything by myself but I'm just fine with that. I love how you do anything and everything I ask. I love how I do anything and everything you ask. I love the way you always like to joke around. I love being able to talk with you about anything. I love how you are willing to be essentially grounded for two weeks just to spend two hours with me. I love how I can read other people's descriptions of their love for each other and being able to relate exactly. I love when you ask for my help. I love looking into the future and not being able to picture you not in it.

call me when you get home? please?

A lesson to learn at a crucial point in time

What's mine was always yours and yours is mine.

STOP RIGHT NOW.
If you haven't read any of the other 6 posts I did yesterday, do that first. I believe there are 4 on this blog. Two on the other. So do that first. Or after. But do it.

Anyway,
I'm supposed to be doing my french project. I'm currently in the middle of fifth hour. There's about 10 minutes left. Fuck all of it. I figured that I would have to get some more proxies, but this site wasn't blocked conveniantly. So I'm just listening to some Rise Against. I've just been in the kind of mood for The Sufferer and The Witness.

The best part about this project is, I don't really have to do anything because it's online. So I could really do it all at home whenever I want to and I don't have to take anything home to do it.

there's bound to be repercussions for this

All smiles and sunshine. A perfect world on a perfect day. Everything always works out. I have never felt so fucking great.

This is Major Tom to Ground Control: I'm stepping through the door and I'm floating in a most peculiar way

I HAD FUN!

avec natalie. et natalie. et bulles!
j'adore bulles. et petit enfents. but i am NOT a pedephile. just to make that clear. then i lost my phone. and then an awesome little kid found it. and then her mom was all freaked out and like, "who the hell is this girl and why is she leaving her phone in the middle of a field for small children to find?" and then i wanted to repay the little girl with bubbles but then she hit her head on the play scape and they had to leave. my plans for being like all creature of the forest-y were shot down and destroyed because no small children were there to be entertained by my bubbles. AND THEN no one was home to enjoy my bubbles either.

i still had fun with natalie and natalie and adam! (who i finally met today). they ate all my iced tea mints. because i was "aggressively generous" says adam. basically it includes me shoving them at people and saying "EAT IT." but you know you liked it ;)

In the middle of summer

It's not yet, but close.

I was bored earlier (as you should've read) so on a whim, I decided to go to Target. I bought a new t-shirt that was purposely one size too small. I bought a gallon of bubble solution. More eyeliner because somehow I lost my other stuff. I went to bed and put it on my dresser and when I woke up it was gone and it wasn't on the floor or behind it or anything so... yeah. New eyeliner. And the last thing I bought were these brand new IceBreakers mints. You know, the ones that come in those round containers and have all the different flavors. Well, these new ones are iced tea flavored. Yeah, I know, right?! So I'm about to go outside, in plaid pajama shorts, my new t-shirt (which happens to have sequins xD) and my bubble solution and play outside barefoot.

By the way, I just got out of the shower so my hair is still all wet. And also, I decided today that my summer anthem is the entire Pretty. Odd. album. Like, if I had to choose one song or album that is going to pretty much sum up everything I will ever feel this summer, it's Pretty. Odd. So, I recommend to all of you who haven't listened to it yet, or don't want to just because it's Panic at the Disco, do it. At least listen to the entire album once over before you start judging it. It's by far their best work yet and it's completely different from their first album (if you hated that, and many of you did). There are no similarities between them, I can tell you that right now. None at all. So, please, lose your misconceptions and give it a listen. It's the album of the summer. If you don't feel like buying the tracks off of somewhere and having them take up space on your hard drive, you can always go to projectplaylist.com. You can play the entirity of the songs for free. I'm sure you're smart enough to get a song listing from their album and search them right?

I will be posting pictures soon of my day's escapades ;)

Oh such torturous things

I don't want to do anything. Meh. ffffffffffffffffff mm bnb njcdx bvvbvbvg vgggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggv b.

That is the sound my head makes as it hits the keyboard repeatedly.

I feel like I want to hang out with someone today. But I don't have the energy to get dressed or go anywhere. But I want to. Someone do something with me today. Please?

It's 9 o'clock on a saturday. The regular crowd shuffles in.

It's more like 11 o'clock on a Monday. But the regular crowd still shuffles in.

This weekend was, for lack of a better word, exhausting. Saturday I spent all day at Carl's house helping him and his family move stone. 16 TONS of it. I'm all bruised up and cut up, but it's no big thing. I had more fun doing that than I would have if I had gone through with my mom's plans, which was to play mini golf with the "family." Plus, I got a nice sunburn which will even out to a tan (to appease all you people who have been hounding me over the paleness of my skin).
The next day, I meet Carl up at the Rec Center because me and the "family" are going swimming my family is forcing me to come swimming with them and I decided that if I was going, I was going to bring someone I want. Carl and I spent about 2 hours in the pool and then went to the family locker rooms to "change." There wasn't anybody standing by the locker room exit when we went in, but there was when we left. We were smart and went out one at a time, with a small time delay between. Carl says that one of them looked at him funny and then gave an eyebrow raise, but once I noticed that they were there, I didn't really stop to look at them on my way out. After that, we played ping-pong for about an hour. I was really terrible, but it was fun. We went to my dad's house immediately after that and spent most of the time laying around. When we tried to do anything that wasn't PG, we got accidentally interrupted (take for example my dad walking in on me without a shirt), so we pretty much laid low.
The drive-in was after that. There were lots of gummy dinosaurs and energy drinks and it was relatively cold, but nothing unbearable. We got to see Harold and Kumar escape from Guantanamo Bay and then we moved to another screen and saw Iron Man. They were both really good; I recommend. Also, there was this guy and his girl in a white car about two rows ahead of us that was getting totally baked. So basically, it was decided that next time we go, I'm gonna get me some weed, and me and my friends are gonna party.

That was basically the wrap up of my weekend. I've still got today, but mostly that will be used for lounging around and resting up for tomorrow. I've got some homework to do still, but I'm gonna put that off too. I won't be sticking around here much longer because all of my stuff is at my mom's but I'll be here until like 3 at least. So hit me up or something.

Son, can you play me a memory, I'm not really sure how it goes

I have a challenge for you. Make a poem using this line: This war of nerves like déja vu.

It popped into my head a while ago and it's really compelling but I can't seem to find a way to write about it and it's eating me alive on the inside to not have something to connect it to.

"yume wa kanaimashita ka?"

"Have their dreams come true?"

It's funny how conversations tend to swing dramatically in other directions when one person misses a key detail. Like the way you never seem to hear what other people are saying until it's about something taboo, and then you throw in a comment completely unrelated to what they were originally talking about. Eventually, no one remembers what you were originally talking about and you're all lost in the hilarity and intrigue of this new conversation until someone else interrupts.

I spend a lot of good times in conversations just like those.

Thank You!!

Fuantei na mirai ga kowakute
Yandeita boku ni mukatte
Nani mo iwazu ni sotto te wo
Sashinobetekureru kimi ga ita
Kanashimi ga hanbun ni natta
Yorokobi wa nibai ni fukuranda
Gyaku no tachiba ni nattra sugusama
Soba made kaketsukeru to chikatta

An uncertain future is scary, and then you faced me
And without saying anything you softly took my hand
My sadness was halved and my pleasure doubled
My life was turned around instantly
And you swore to run to my side

one more time to say, i love you always

When she walks away from you mad===[ Follow her]

When she stares at your lips===[ Kiss her ]

When she pushes you or hits you===[ Grab her and don’t let go ]

When she starts cursing at you===[ Kiss her and tell her you love her ]

When she's quiet===[ Ask her what’s wrong]

When she ignores you===[ Give her your attention ]

When she pulls away===[ Pull her back ]

When you see her at her worst===[ Tell her she's beautiful ]

When you see her start crying===[Just hold her and don’t say a word ]

When you see her walking===[ Sneak up and hug her waist from behind ]

When she's scared===[ Protect her ]

When she lays her head on your shoulder===[ Tilt her head up and kiss her ]

When she steals your favorite hat===[ Let her keep it and sleep with it for a night]

When she teases you===[ Tease her back and make her laugh ]

When she doesn’t answer for a long time===[ reassure her that everything is okay ]

When she looks at you with doubt===[ Back yourself up with the TRUTH]

When she says that she likes you===[ she really does more than you could understand ]

When she grabs at your hands===[ Hold hers and play with her fingers ]

When she bumps into you===[ bump into her back and make her laugh ]

When she tells you a secret===[ keep it safe and untold ]

When she looks at you in your eyes===[ don’t look away until she does ]

WHEN SHE MISSES YOU===[ SHES HURTING INSIDE]

- Stay on the phone with her even if she’s not saying anything
-DON'T let her have the last word

-NEVER call her hot. Pretty and beautifull are soo much better
- Say you love her more than she could ever love you
- Argue that she is the best girl ever
- When she's mad hug her tight and don't let go
- When she says she's ok don’t believe it, talk with her
- Call her at 12:00am on her birthday to tell her you love her
- Call her before you sleep and after you wake up
- Treat her like she's all that matters to you
- Tease her and let her tease you back
-Stay up all night with her when she's sick
- Watch her favorite movie with her or her favorite show even if you think its stupid
- Give her the world
- Let her wear your clothes.

- When she's bored and sad, hang out with her
- Let her know she's important
- Kiss her in the pouring rain
- When she runs up at you crying, the first thing you say is;
"Who's ass am I kicking today baby?"

It was one of those spam-y myspace bulletins, but it was cute.

her eyes turn to green and she seems to be happy

I love the feeling of waking up and being sore in every part of your body. Where you barely have the energy or the strength to stand up or walk up a flight of stairs. I decided I'm going to run a mile every morning in the summer. I need to do something like that. Form a habit that will benefit me in the long run and keep my mind off of the trivial things.

And until the summer, I've decided I will actually try in gym. No more slacking off. Play the sport, don't worry about looking flushed or getting sweaty. I suppose all it took was a person like John to play "volleyball" with us. And while we weren't really doing anything, I still had fun and worked out. Carl always says I should try more to have fun in that class, but now I see what he means. It was fun, I enjoyed myself, I'm happier.

I know these revelations and resolutions are becoming repetitive in my posts, but this time, these are ones that are accomplishable. These are ones that I can start NOW and are realistically achievable.

One more. Sitting in the bleachers of the assembly the other day, and walking back into the school made me realize I shouldn't be afraid of the scars on my arm. I know I messed up. I know I had a problem, but I fixed it (I hope), and it's part of me. I don't care what anyone else thinks of it. I don't want to be afraid to wear t-shirts and I don't want to be sickly pale all summer. I want to feel good about myself. I don't want to hide anymore (Of course I'm still going to hide them from my mom, she doesn't know about my most recent ones, but at least I don't want to hide it from other people).

this is screaming photo op

Ten things about me (en vue de Natalie):

1. I can get over dramatic about certain things, as Liz said. It's harder to realize when I do it because I'm constantly analyzing everyone else, but there are plenty of times where I step back and tell myself to shut up and deal with it.

2. I am a compulsive liar. And I hate being caught in a lie, and consequently I will lie more to get myself out of it (hence, how it became compulsive. There was once a point where I was not good at lying, but I've found it gets easier as time goes by).

3. I am dependent. On people. Like Carl, for instance. I really want to see him all the time, but I am consciously aware of how much time I keep taking from him and part of the reason I don't see him more is because I don't always allow myself to, so that he can have his space.

4. I am the most rationally irrational person you will probably ever meet, and I laugh at pretty much everything. There is no way I can ever keep a straight face for more than 5 seconds. Try it, you'll see.

5. I have secrets. So many it's almost unbelievable. I'm trying to be more open about them, but there's still that part of me that always thinks that none of you even deserve to know. It was never any of your business when I first hid it, it's not your business now either. But being invulnerable and alone is not a good thing at all.

6. I purposely involve people in certain aspects of my life that I know they don't want to know about, just because I want them to worry and talk about me behind my back because I feel there's not enough drama in my life as compared to other people.

7. I'm annoying as fuck and even I know it. I can read the expression all over your face and all it says is: "Shut the fuck up and get the fuck away from me. Stop wasting my time."

8. Even when you don't think I am, I'm pretty much serious about everything I say. Most of the time I won't go through with half of it, but the thought is always processed in my head to the fullest. I am constantly thinking out every possible scenario for everything.

9. I say, "I know, " just to mask the fact that I didn't know because I hate feeling stupid and I hate needing people to explain things to me (This goes along with the compulsive lying. Just keep in mind that I probably have no idea what you're talking about, but I will never admit it, so don't ever question me).

10. I always pick up my cell phone, but never my home phone unless it's certain people. Even if I know the number, I won't pick up the land line. But I will always, always pick up my cell phone regardless of if I know the number or not. And it also really peeves me when someone calls my land line instead of my cell phone, even though they know my cell phone number, and then never call my cell phone after I am finished not picking up the other phone.

they hate if you're clever and despise a fool

Resolutions are normally saved for the beginning of the new year, but I believe they should be made at any point in your life when you feel you need to change. Now I know I've said some of these before, and it's guaranteed that I will say them again, but here they are:

1. Let it go
2. Be honest all the time
3. Get out of the house
4. Let loose
5. Be together


I'm trying to keep it short and sweet, so it's more accomplishable. Granted, each one of those are quite big tasks to undertake, so this small list could take me an entire year in and of itself.

P.S.
Allison: I hate your guts. You were okay to talk to at first, when I sort of felt sorry for you, but now you just piss me off. And your laugh makes my ears bleed. How can any guy possibly fall for you? Oh wait, they don't.
Lizzi: Sometimes you can be as over dramatic as Sahana (minus the love part) and everyone knows it, even yourself. I can't say I resent you for it because that's just the way you are, but you almost seem like a different person. Even Katie sometimes refers to you as old Liz and new Liz and I can't say I disagree.
Amanda: You're a good friend to me, but we haven't been in contact very much lately, and I'm not sure if I don't like it. I don't know if it's just the way I am lately or what, but maybe things will change. Then again, maybe they won't.
Natalie: You really are an asshole sometimes, but I love every minute of it. It's never boring to be around you, and there aren't many bad things I can say.
Dan: I really, really dislike you. A lot. Your always touching, and I've noticed this since the first day I actually met you. You like to have your hands and arms all over people (well, I shouldn't say people, more like girls). And that is one of my personal pet peeves. If you're not my boyfriend, or one of my girl friends, then DON'T TOUCH ME.
Mike: Honestly, I don't like you much either. I almost feel bad for it, but I treat you exactly the way I treated Andrew. You can get me drugs, you're okay to talk to at lunch, but in general I don't like being around you. I'm really actually glad that you're graduating so that I won't have to see you around school anymore.
Jon and Company; Ryan, Jp, and Company: You guys are all really awesome to hang out with, and we don't do it enough. I miss you guys and we need to hang out one day. Although Ryan can be a little... je ne sais quoi, mais je ne l'aime pas vraiment quelque fois.

<=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=>

So, I decided that I'm very tempted to die. Just to see what it's like. I don't know what's going to happen and it makes me curious. I would never do it, but I would really like to try. I mean, do I simply cease to exist? Or is there really an afterlife? Do I reincarnate or do I just simply float around amongst people as a ghost? I think the last one intrigues me the most. I don't know if you noticed in one of my recent posts, I want to be a ghost; to exist in non-existence. It just seems like it would be more interesting to go on living next to someone instead of with someone. I would never EVER actually do it, because, I would miss him. I would miss all of you, and you would miss me. I could never do it because of you all. I'm not that selfish. And also, what if I'm wrong? Then where would I be? Dead. And you all would be alone. It's just not something I want to risk; I've never been a gambler,

"But a bullet sounds the same in every language."

What would you say if this blemished face with a crooked nose, had a chance to say whatever he wanted from his blemished world of the unknown?

"The truth will set you free. But first, it will piss you off."
-Gloria Steinem

"It is one of the severest tests of friendship to tell your friend his faults. So to love a man that you cannot bear to see a stain upon him, and to speak painful truth through loving words, that is friendship."
-Henry Ward Beecher

"The beginning of a circle is also it's end."
-Heraklietos of Ephesos

"Truth comes as conqueror only to those who have lost the art of receiving it as friend."
-Rabindranath Tagore

"Yet it is in our idleness, in our dreams, that the submerged truth sometimes comes to the top."
-Virginia Woolfe

"I have always noticed that people will never laugh at anything that is not based on truth."
"Truth is the function of the beliefs that start and terminate among them."

-William James


Natalie: As much as I've ever wanted to criticize you for anything you've ever done, or as much as I have criticized you for the things you've done, I honestly can't condone it because, honestly, I know that if I was put in your position, I would probably behave the same way. In fact, even if I wasn't in your position, I can always envision myself being exactly like you. So, I guess in a sense, I see myself in you and I can't bear to go around and tear down my own self esteem. I can't tear down someone who I could potentially be. I just can't. And I'm sorry for ever doing it before. I don't want you to worry about anything I say about you though. I love you and I care for you, and obviously we all worry for your well being, but you seem to be taking care of yourself well. So what can I say? Your lifestyle may be different than mine, or anyone's, but it's yours and I shouldn't be the one to question how you live your life. They are your experiences to go through and I, nor anyone else have a right to judge. Of course, always take care of yourself, and be safe. Don't end up a crack whore, or pregnant (although, Chelsea and I would make you keep the baby), or something equally as serious, such as dead.

Katie: Honestly, more and more I find myself drifting further and further away from you. We rarely talk on the bus and we don't hang out with many of the same friends. It seems lately that a lot of people I know feel as if they aren't as important to you anymore. Some of the time I just feel like you use me (and others) for certain things. You don't make as much of an effort to keep in touch, especially when you have problems. And although you do share secrets sometimes, more often than not, I'm not the first person to hear about them. High school has changed everyone a great deal, but why do I feel like you're a completely different person? Why do I feel like you are replacing your old friends with newer ones? I guess in effect because you are but, everyone does it, so I cannot possibly blame you. I just wish we didn't have to come to this realization so soon.

Sahana: If I had to sum you up in two words, we all know what it would be: over dramatic. Even you yourself know it. And yet you do nothing to change it. You pour your heart out all the time online to the scrutiny of the world and yet you refuse to pour your heart out to most of the people you know. You obsess over boys, especially boys you cannot have and when you look back you realize how stupid you were to do so. COLIN. Where do I even begin with that? He told you straight up that you were over dramatic and obsessive and that you needed to get over him because he didn't love you the way you wanted him to and he never would, and yet you still idolize him, worship him, whatever means of extreme passion you would classify it as. You need to get over him, get over every guy. Because one of these days you will be in a real relationship, and it won't be perfect and you will obsess and destroy everything you love. Honestly, I can probably say pretty confidently that most of us that know you would like to slap you across your face and tell you to get it together and prepare yourself for the real world. Because there are no such thing as Edwards or Jacobs. Even the most perfect of guys will never be truly perfect, and when you compare someone to another person who is absolutely perfect, they will never even come close to your standards, and you will end up alone because you will constantly be consumed by the fact that they aren't comparable. You're only psyching yourself up for misery, pain, and true heartbreak.

Teri: (written by Chelsea) So from what I understand of you, it seems like you want a boy. Don’t kid yourself and say that no one reads your blog. You know for a fact that Andrea + I do. You’ve seen our comments. Unless making a post about how no one reads what you have to say was just a clever disguise for gaining comments, your mindset is completely off.

I’ve read your recent poetry, and must admit that I’m surprised. However, I don’t think that you could possibly understand what I’m trying to say in such short of a sentence. I’ll leave it to you, though. Feel free to make assumptions.

The truth is, you shouldn’t care about relationships that much. You’re only a Freshman in High School. You’ve lived one-fourth of your life so far. So? Does that entitle you to have to find another person of the opposite gender to spend time with? To start looking for that one person in High School is slightly preposterous. Actually, it’s completely preposterous. Oh, come on, you know that there are exceptions. Andrea + Carl, for example. That’s different. There’s no real way to prove it without someone else shooting it down, but you KNOW that that’s different.

The fact is, you need to stop looking and start living. I’ve completely given up on relationships, as of right now. Andrea’s helped me to realize that I just don’t NEED one right now. Do you really NEED one to make yourself feel happy? If you do, you’ve got a pretty low self esteem; lower than one could ever think possible. A relationship, in order to last, needs to have two people who are willing to help each other live and be okay NO MATTER WHAT THE COST. The two people in a relationship need to be able to show each other that they will always be there for them, no matter what. Are you seriously telling me right now that you’re looking for that one person, that one EXTREMELY RARE person that you want to spend the rest of your life with when you’re in HIGH SCHOOL? Sure, a lot of people do. You always hear about people who have been dating this one person since seventh grade. I’m one to question whether or not they started out with a real relationship or not. Whether or not they just had something that they wanted to call a relationship. It’s left to questions and speculation.

The point is, you need to stop regretting your past boyfriends. Your past “loves”, if that’s what you’d like to call it. Personally, I wouldn’t call it love, because you ended them all on good terms. A relationship was only good when it ends horribly. That’s when you know that you actually cared about them. That you can’t stand to not think about them in a romantic sense, and since you’re being forced to do so, you just can’t STAND them anymore. You just can’t bear being around them. Going back to someone that you’ve already left solves nothing. It only opens up old wounds, calling back past mistakes. Frankly, that’s not healthy. That never will be. Unless two people are absolutely sure that they’ve just passed up the best thing that ever happened to them, the absolute BEST thing, don’t call back an old relationship. Ever.

The thing is, Teri, is that I’d gladly follow you into the dark. If you need someone to talk to, about relationships, love, confusion, ANYTHING, I will be RIGHT HERE. Yes, I know that I’ve lost the friendship that we once had. You didn’t change; not much, anyways. I’m coming back to Churchill next year, you know that? I’m letting myself get closer to those who were already there. To those who I’ve left. And if you need to take advantage of my presence, go right ahead. I will be here. Whenever you need me, I will be here. Though I may lack coherency, though I might not say exactly what you want to hear, I will tell you what I believe to be right, and I’ll certainly tell you the truth. Keep faith in those who care for you; they know exactly who and what you need to love, and be loved.


(basically, I agree with Chelsea, although I can't say that her opinion is exactly mine.)

To anyone who ever thinks that they've felt heartbreak: Take a second and think about the relationship. If you've never been in one, then it's not heartbreak. Sorry to break the news to you. If you have been in one for a decent amount of time, think about how much you currently hate the person. How bitter you are towards them. If you absolutely cannot stand them, can't stand to be around them, you know that your relationship was pretty much the best thing you ever had. It means that you really cared about the person and it hurt you both inside to realize that it was actually over. Never regret your lost loves; it only leads to hurting the people who can and will love you in the future.

To basically all people that I am angry at: YOU HAVE NO PROBLEMS. YOUR LIFE IS FINE. GET THE FUCK OVER IT. YOU HAVE NO REAL RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS. YOUR NOT FAILING SCHOOL. YOU DON'T HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF WHEN YOU GO HOME AT NIGHT. YOU AREN'T DEPRESSED, OR LONGING FOR NON-EXISTENCE. YOU DON'T HAVE MENTAL PROBLEMS, IRRATIONAL FEARS, PARANOIA, TRUE INSOMNIA, NOR DO YOU ABUSE PHYSICAL SUBSTANCES. WHEN YOU'RE WILLING TO GET OVER YOURSELVES, I'LL BE HERE TO HAVE A REAL CONVERSATION ABOUT PROBLEMS.


I know there will probably be some people angry at the things I've said here today. And I encourage you to write the truth about me because I'm actually really interested in it. Of course I cannot really see the truth about myself as clearly as you can/do. Don't worry about hurting my feelings or something, because obviously, I didn't care that much about hurting yours (if I did).

"Truth springs from argument amongst friends."

-David Hume

Signing off,

I'm alright in bed, but I'm better with a pen
(The kid was alright but it went to his head)

she had an earthquake on her mind

sorry i've been gone for a while. just a little depressed is all. whatever, it happens. shrug it off and pick your life back up, which is exactly what i'm doing.

so, heard about it from teri yesterday. it's all over facebook anyway. this is the calendar of events for May:

5/1/08: International Band T-Shirt Day -

5/2/08: International Air Instrument Day -

5/3/08: International Cinema Day -

5/4/08: International Rock Band/Guitar Hero Appreciation Day -

5/5/08: International Salsa Day -

5/6/08: International Poke Day -

5/7/08: International Fake British Accent Day -

5/8/08: International Mountain Dew Day -

5/9/08: International Be Sexually Inappropriate With Your Friends Day -

5/10/08: International Silly String Day -

5/11/08: International Condiment Day -

5/12/08: International ***Powerthirst*** Day - ZOMG <3

5/13/08: International Smack An Ass Day -

5/14/08: International ...In Bed Day -

5/15/08: International Gum-Chewing Day -

5/16/08: International Sexual Act Day -

5/17/08: International Whipped Cream Day -

5/18/08: International Photograph Your Day Day -

5/19/08: International Sexican Day -

5/20/08: International Sexual Innuendo Day -

5/21/08: International Tickle Day -

5/22/08: International Gluten-Free Day -

5/23/08: International Bagel Day -

5/24/08: International Videogame Marathon Day -

5/25/08: International Vegetarian Day -

5/26/08: International Humorous T-Shirt Day -

5/27/08: International Zombie Day -

5/28/08: International Spontaneous Orgasm Day -

5/29/08: International Are You Nervous Day -

5/30/08: International Blame It On _____ Day -

5/31/08: International National Foods Day -

tired of sitting and hating and making these excuses

things I'm afraid of:

Being alone, dying alone, losing someone important to me, rejection, failure, disappointment, being wrong, admitting I'm wrong, admitting I can't do something, forgetting the memories that mean most to me, hurting someone I love, being beaten, being in a roomful of strangers, being bold, doing what I tell other people to do, taking command, caring too much or too little, holding someone so close that I drive them away, being known as the freak, being hypocritical, my friends abandoning me, getting scared, waking up realizing I don't love someone anymore, someone waking up and realizing they don't love me anymore, taking sides, standing out, fitting in, being forgotten, fighting with someone I care about, not being pretty, not being invited along, living for a really long period of time, losing hope, going deaf and not being able to hear music, driving people away from me, losing time, everything being for nothing, dying slowly, losing wonder, dying inside, being dependent, being pitied, being ignored, being late, being the cause of drama, people worrying about me, growing up too fast, the future, the past, the present, making choices, change, disorganization, organization, similarity, pattern, randomness, life, what other people think of me, someone finding out what I think of other people, leaving the things I love behind, someone I love leaving me behind, walking in dark alleyways and streets alone, biking through the woods at night, running into someone I know but really don't like all that much in a place other than school and not being able to avoid them, being avoided, being talked about behind my back or otherwise, being known as the screw-up, forgetting what he smells like or feels like or sounds like or looks like, forgetting him period, him forgetting me, making a commitment to my future, not being able to breathe, that voice of rationality in my head that tells me that I might have something wrong with me mentally, overdosing, being lied to, being caught, guilt, shame, not finishing something, first impressions being right, becoming like my mother, being too possessive, getting jealous, letting things bother me, opening up to other people, being hurt emotionally, someone destroying something important to me, losing certain possessions, getting lost, walking in front of other people, crying in front of other people, being weak, letting other people's opinions matter to me, my sister being smarter or taller or better than me, my parents favoring my sister, being poor, losing my house, asking for help, receiving help, people thinking i need help, being hit on by creepy guys, not having someone to turn to, people not turning to me, making it all about sex, not having someone to protect me, no one caring about me, people caring too much, losing patience, losing grace, letting go, never seeing him again, losing originality, being dull, starving, being in trouble, being awkward, polygamy, having ugly children, having children period, not knowing what to do, being inexperienced, being hated by anyone, trying my best and still failing, other people being unappreciative or ungrateful, marrying someone like my father, becoming fat, people telling me what to do and how to do it, being bossed around by someone younger than me, being bossed around by someone older than me, being bossed around by anyone, making plans and keeping them, forgetting something that everyone else remembers, keeping dates, completing things on a deadline, being addicted, being socially isolated, messing up, competing, being in the spotlight, being overly annoying, not being normal, wasting my life being unhappy, having no self confidence, being vain, not being able to find humor in things, making others unhappy, being misinterpreted, underachieving, not knowing what to say or do, showing off, resentment, becoming psychotic, taking other people's advice, being pessimistic, being incomplete, having nothing to do, hesitation that causes something tragic, being able to save someone's life and not doing it, my thoughts, contracting a fatal disease, not accomplishing any of my life goals, dying before I feel I should

well jesus christ, I'm not scared to die, I'm a little bit scared of what comes after