officially the worst hours ive spent away from carl
not that i haven't spent longer time away from him
its just its been so long, forever practically, since i was away from him knowing he wasnt mine. that's what hurt.
let's not do that ever again. i dont know if i could take it a second time. i barely made it this time. why is it that everyone always wants to talk about the thing you least want to hear about when something goes wrong? i either spent the morning crying and explaining to people, or being so completely out of it at times that i was anti-social.
p.s. neither of us won the betting pool because gabby guessed first. like literally two seconds after i saw her today she guessed it. katie knew something was bad but she didnt really know, so that doesnt count. and funny enough, robert didnt say anything at all today about us. well at least around me anyways.
well im going to bed because we probably wont have a snowday because everyone kept jinxing it. you fuckfaces
xD
no i still love you all. even if you are horrible at allowing snowdays to occur. except maybe robert because he refuses to pronounce bret favre's name right.
Jan 30, 2008
let's see now... carl, teri, katie... me
1. Is there someone you wanna date right now?
not particularly. unless you count my boyfriend.
then i guess you could say i would want to date him.
2. Name a quote from the song you're listening to:
i can see from across the room there's a tear in your storied eye
i was leaving but im coming back since your heart should be with mine
that mark didnt do you right when he left in your best friends ride
with the face of an angel girl you deserve to be treated more than right
realized as i was passing through from the moment i saw you i was hypnotized
couldnt wait to get you alone so i could walk with you so i could talk to you
go ahead and call your friends ill do whatever it takes so i can make you trust
this party's going south let me know what's going on with us.
because its all right
theres nothing to stop us
if it feels right then everything's fine
for just one night, then you'll go back to your life
and ill go back to mine
3. How is life going for you right now?
eh. aside from being put in some certain situations that have confused the hell out of me more than anything that's ever happened before and also not being able to share those particular situations with anybody, i'm doing pretty okay. but that's typically how life goes for me. i mean its not great, but i deal with it, so i guess that's one of the reasons my life goes okay.
4. Are you keeping a secret from someone who needs to know the truth?
yes. and it's killing me inside and im going to tell him today. maybe. no. i have to. i cant put it off any longer. Carl, if you come over today, which you probably will, i shall tell you. i'm just scared of what your going to think and do.
5. What was the reason you last cried?
well i cry all the time, sometimes for no reason at all. like i bet none of you even noticed, but i cried this morning when i got to school. i mean there was a reason behind it that time, but normally i just cry because i feel like it.
6. Ever had the opposite sex over when no one was home?
xD
yes. but that was like way back when.
but if i tweak the question...
Ever had the opposite sex over when no one was awake?
xDDDDD
there we go.
lmfao
7. What is your favorite fruit?
all fruits really. i have no real preference. i dont really like blueberries or peaches though. but i'll eat them
8. What is the most important thing in any relationship?
being able to talk about and deal with problems. you should definitely be able to stick through the bad. and also show the other person that you want to be with them over anybody else. and if you dont, then maybe you shouldnt be together in the first place.
9. What's the song that makes you cry?
im so good that i can turn any song into a sad song.
and any sad song makes me cry.
10. Do you miss someone?
well of course. he's always on my mind, so its not like i can just forget about him. i am constantly remembering the time that we are apart, and it makes me feel empty inside.
11. Who?
i would think that you already know who it is. and if not, you are the biggest dipshit in the entire world.
12. Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom?
in some of the most rightful words i've ever heard, "no, because the bottom keeps moving down"
13. Do you trust people easily?
not in the slightest. because i know how people generally are, and they are not worth my trust. after a while, and a long while at that, then i will start to trust them.
14. Where is one place you want to visit?
paris. test out my language skillz xD.
actually its just very scenic and it seems like a fun place to be. and as busy of a city as it is, it doesnt seem like it moves quite as fast as an american city.
15. Do you freak when people hug you?
it depends on who is freak-hugging me. if it is susan sunshine rainbows for example... then yeah i probably would. but if its like carl or katie or someone, then go ahead and hug away, as sporadically as possible if you like.
16. Are you a tease?
xD
completely.
and i dont think you have any idea how much fun it is.
but you also dont have any idea how much of a burden it can be.
17. What made you happy today?
not much. cheating in gym class i guess. that was fun.
and working out on that obnoxiously breezy bike.
18. When was the last time you cried?
this morning.
19. What color shirt are you wearing?
a black and white striped hoodie shirt underneath a black twloha casey shirt underneath carl's black and red and white churchill hoodie underneath dillon's black leather jacket.
20. How long is your hair?
its right on my shoulders sort of. well its all layery so its really hard to tell exactly how long it is. i'd say most of it is about half a foot, and my emo bangs are like a foot.
21. How long have you been friends with your best friend?.
since third grade. sort of. i mean its really only these last two or three years that they've been my best friend
22. Last thing you drank?
hmm.
i think it was koolaid this morning with like 6 pills for a killer headache.
23. Are you happy right now?
mostly.
im sort of worried about later and what might happen
24. Does someone have a crush on you?
.....
25. Do you have a crush on someone?
.....
26. If someone who didn't know you had to guess your name, what hint would you give them?
i wouldnt. because it would be fun to fuck around with them xD
id just never tell them
or id make up something so ridiculously unbelievable.
27. Anything important you need to tell someone?
yes
28. Will you ever tell them?
i hope that i can figure out a way to tell them later today.
29. Do you have big plans and goals for your life?
i have no goals. that way, if i dont reach them, i cannot fail. and then technically anything i do, would be successful because it is something more that i had previously not done.
30. Last person you had a deep and meaningful convo with?
dakota
31. What was the last thing you highlighted?
i have no idea
32. Name something you have in common with all your siblings:
i have nothing in common with all of them.
with my older sister, we are both short with brown hair and freckles
with my younger sister, absolutely nothing.
33. In one word describe yourself.
nonchalant
34. What was the last thing you ever got grounded for?
my grades
35. How many TVs do you have in your house?
4;5
36. Have you ever passed out from being drunk?
nope. not yet
37. How many kids do you plan on having?
i hate children. they make me want to die
38. If you could kiss anyone, who would it be?
i think you know. or maybe you dont...
that would mean your retarded.
40. When is the last time you went out of the state?
7th grade
41. Have you ever had a true-friend?
sort of. not really.
42. Do you crack your knuckles?
i crack everything i can.
and from what i hear, you can't actually get arthritis from it. so im not worried
i wouldnt be worried even if i could.
43. Are you ticklish?
yes and no. if im already laughing, or its unexpected, then yes. and if not, or if i dont want to be, no. i know its crazy.
44. Have you ever felt not good enough?
all the time. i never feel good enough.
45. Generally, in life, what makes you happy?
most things. i can find humor in things, and i think its the humor that makes me the most happiest
but because i can apply it, most things.
46. Can you do anything crazy with your tongue?
i can do the normal tricks, but im also pretty good at tying cherry stems xD
47. What's something you want for your birthday?
nothing. i hate birthdays. they dont deserve gifts.
i deserve gifts, but i should get them all the time regardless
xD
48. Are you more independent or dependent?
independant i would say. i like having friends, but mostly i work alone to do things.
even in school. i barely talk in groups unless im like the leader or whatever, and mostly i end up doing it all myself anyways.
49. What is one thing you miss about your past?
i miss everything. it was simpler back then. i mean at the time it was hard, but we had nothing to compare it to back then. everything, looking back on it, was easier to understand.
50. What is something you learned about yourself recently?
i am a horrible person.
like seriously.
not particularly. unless you count my boyfriend.
then i guess you could say i would want to date him.
2. Name a quote from the song you're listening to:
i can see from across the room there's a tear in your storied eye
i was leaving but im coming back since your heart should be with mine
that mark didnt do you right when he left in your best friends ride
with the face of an angel girl you deserve to be treated more than right
realized as i was passing through from the moment i saw you i was hypnotized
couldnt wait to get you alone so i could walk with you so i could talk to you
go ahead and call your friends ill do whatever it takes so i can make you trust
this party's going south let me know what's going on with us.
because its all right
theres nothing to stop us
if it feels right then everything's fine
for just one night, then you'll go back to your life
and ill go back to mine
3. How is life going for you right now?
eh. aside from being put in some certain situations that have confused the hell out of me more than anything that's ever happened before and also not being able to share those particular situations with anybody, i'm doing pretty okay. but that's typically how life goes for me. i mean its not great, but i deal with it, so i guess that's one of the reasons my life goes okay.
4. Are you keeping a secret from someone who needs to know the truth?
yes. and it's killing me inside and im going to tell him today. maybe. no. i have to. i cant put it off any longer. Carl, if you come over today, which you probably will, i shall tell you. i'm just scared of what your going to think and do.
5. What was the reason you last cried?
well i cry all the time, sometimes for no reason at all. like i bet none of you even noticed, but i cried this morning when i got to school. i mean there was a reason behind it that time, but normally i just cry because i feel like it.
6. Ever had the opposite sex over when no one was home?
xD
yes. but that was like way back when.
but if i tweak the question...
Ever had the opposite sex over when no one was awake?
xDDDDD
there we go.
lmfao
7. What is your favorite fruit?
all fruits really. i have no real preference. i dont really like blueberries or peaches though. but i'll eat them
8. What is the most important thing in any relationship?
being able to talk about and deal with problems. you should definitely be able to stick through the bad. and also show the other person that you want to be with them over anybody else. and if you dont, then maybe you shouldnt be together in the first place.
9. What's the song that makes you cry?
im so good that i can turn any song into a sad song.
and any sad song makes me cry.
10. Do you miss someone?
well of course. he's always on my mind, so its not like i can just forget about him. i am constantly remembering the time that we are apart, and it makes me feel empty inside.
11. Who?
i would think that you already know who it is. and if not, you are the biggest dipshit in the entire world.
12. Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom?
in some of the most rightful words i've ever heard, "no, because the bottom keeps moving down"
13. Do you trust people easily?
not in the slightest. because i know how people generally are, and they are not worth my trust. after a while, and a long while at that, then i will start to trust them.
14. Where is one place you want to visit?
paris. test out my language skillz xD.
actually its just very scenic and it seems like a fun place to be. and as busy of a city as it is, it doesnt seem like it moves quite as fast as an american city.
15. Do you freak when people hug you?
it depends on who is freak-hugging me. if it is susan sunshine rainbows for example... then yeah i probably would. but if its like carl or katie or someone, then go ahead and hug away, as sporadically as possible if you like.
16. Are you a tease?
xD
completely.
and i dont think you have any idea how much fun it is.
but you also dont have any idea how much of a burden it can be.
17. What made you happy today?
not much. cheating in gym class i guess. that was fun.
and working out on that obnoxiously breezy bike.
18. When was the last time you cried?
this morning.
19. What color shirt are you wearing?
a black and white striped hoodie shirt underneath a black twloha casey shirt underneath carl's black and red and white churchill hoodie underneath dillon's black leather jacket.
20. How long is your hair?
its right on my shoulders sort of. well its all layery so its really hard to tell exactly how long it is. i'd say most of it is about half a foot, and my emo bangs are like a foot.
21. How long have you been friends with your best friend?.
since third grade. sort of. i mean its really only these last two or three years that they've been my best friend
22. Last thing you drank?
hmm.
i think it was koolaid this morning with like 6 pills for a killer headache.
23. Are you happy right now?
mostly.
im sort of worried about later and what might happen
24. Does someone have a crush on you?
.....
25. Do you have a crush on someone?
.....
26. If someone who didn't know you had to guess your name, what hint would you give them?
i wouldnt. because it would be fun to fuck around with them xD
id just never tell them
or id make up something so ridiculously unbelievable.
27. Anything important you need to tell someone?
yes
28. Will you ever tell them?
i hope that i can figure out a way to tell them later today.
29. Do you have big plans and goals for your life?
i have no goals. that way, if i dont reach them, i cannot fail. and then technically anything i do, would be successful because it is something more that i had previously not done.
30. Last person you had a deep and meaningful convo with?
dakota
31. What was the last thing you highlighted?
i have no idea
32. Name something you have in common with all your siblings:
i have nothing in common with all of them.
with my older sister, we are both short with brown hair and freckles
with my younger sister, absolutely nothing.
33. In one word describe yourself.
nonchalant
34. What was the last thing you ever got grounded for?
my grades
35. How many TVs do you have in your house?
4;5
36. Have you ever passed out from being drunk?
nope. not yet
37. How many kids do you plan on having?
i hate children. they make me want to die
38. If you could kiss anyone, who would it be?
i think you know. or maybe you dont...
that would mean your retarded.
40. When is the last time you went out of the state?
7th grade
41. Have you ever had a true-friend?
sort of. not really.
42. Do you crack your knuckles?
i crack everything i can.
and from what i hear, you can't actually get arthritis from it. so im not worried
i wouldnt be worried even if i could.
43. Are you ticklish?
yes and no. if im already laughing, or its unexpected, then yes. and if not, or if i dont want to be, no. i know its crazy.
44. Have you ever felt not good enough?
all the time. i never feel good enough.
45. Generally, in life, what makes you happy?
most things. i can find humor in things, and i think its the humor that makes me the most happiest
but because i can apply it, most things.
46. Can you do anything crazy with your tongue?
i can do the normal tricks, but im also pretty good at tying cherry stems xD
47. What's something you want for your birthday?
nothing. i hate birthdays. they dont deserve gifts.
i deserve gifts, but i should get them all the time regardless
xD
48. Are you more independent or dependent?
independant i would say. i like having friends, but mostly i work alone to do things.
even in school. i barely talk in groups unless im like the leader or whatever, and mostly i end up doing it all myself anyways.
49. What is one thing you miss about your past?
i miss everything. it was simpler back then. i mean at the time it was hard, but we had nothing to compare it to back then. everything, looking back on it, was easier to understand.
50. What is something you learned about yourself recently?
i am a horrible person.
like seriously.
Jan 25, 2008
you're gonna need a bodybag, I'll break bones you didnt know you had
Here's a question.
What do you do when you're all alone
and you have nowhere to run to, swear I'll find you.
And this is what I'll do; I'll take it slow (I'll take it slow)
just to let you know that we're not playing, you're not walking home.
This time I'm waiting here for you, you got nowhere to hide
i feel very angry. pissed off. for no apparant reason other than i feel like being mad at someone. well not really someone. just sort of something. dont just think its "that time of the month" because even though it is (i think. ive never really kept track. is that bad that its been like 2 years and i still have never bothered to like, keep track of when exactly my period is?) i've been feeling like this for a while. omg. i really have nothing to talk about right now. i just want to sort of stew if you get what i mean. just sit in my room with the lights off and stare at the ceiling being mad at whatever or whoever.
i need to take a walk. but its so cold. what i really want to do is go over to someone's house. but who's going to be home to let me in? dillon might be, maybe dakota, or maybe not. dillon will probably be out somewhere. he always seems to be. and dakota....
i never know with him anymore. since high school, no, since leslie, he's been different. and i'm not sure if i like it. i mean he's more mature, which im sure everyone appreciates, but he's been hanging out with different people. he acts as if he's my friend, and he talks to me occasionally, but only when he's bored. as if i'm just a way to pass the time. i never really talked to him much before anyway, but now i feel like im fourth or fifth in his book. he even treats me different when he's around angela and john and leslie and haylie, even though they are basically my friends too.
getting back on topic...
i really need to get away somewhere. to spend a night away from my home. no, i cant call it that. it could never be my home. i dont have one really. no where that i truly feel like i want to be. i mean there are people i want to be with, and with them it really wouldnt matter where i am, but no particular place that i want to be more than anywhere else. I just really cant stand being here anymore. There is no particular reason why. I mean i was arguing a lot with my mom the other day, but that was because she was being moody, not because we had really anything to fight about. It's not like i ever really talk to my mom at all. Mostly i go to my room and sleep and listen to music and whatever. I only say what is necessary, like, what's for dinner, or im done doing the dishes or i need some money (which we have none of by the way). But other than that i dont say one word to her. But lately i feel this strange tension in the air, sort of like i can feel that something bad is coming. I dont know if any of you ever really noticed, but i'm the least confrontational person ever. If there is anyway to avoid something dramatic, i will, but i feel like something really bad is coming and its unavoidable.
its these moments in time where i realize that i need a job, so that i can move out, or rather, move in with someone else. not that i could really think of someone who would take me in (well that's not true, i know of lots of people who would, but im talking more of the people who actually could). I really wonder what my parents would do if i just left. I would imagine they would freak out. or maybe just my mom. she freaks when i forget to call home from a friends house for god's sake. after about 12 hours they would call the police or something. i dont think they'd put it off much longer than that.
but i seriously am considering just packing a bunch of stuff and leaving. i'll actually probably end up moving in with my sister if i do that
but i think that if i do leave home, i'll wait until i have a job and a car. that would be the smart thing to do.
yeah. so im talking to alejandra and i was just bringing her up to speed on my situation with carl and our upcoming anniversary, and i realized, that if we skip school on my birthday or whatever, it would jeopardize the chances of us going to the concert because as he knows, my parents are all paranoid about me doing well in school and they are hanging the concert over my head and saying that if i dont do well in school then i wont go. now if i had a car, that would be no problem, and if i could actually secure someone who has a car that would be willing to take us to the concert, i would just completely disregard them and go anyway, but that is not the case. at least i dont think so, but it probably would be. so i just think that we should skip on our actual anniversary. that would probably work better.
anyways. im probably gonna go be all emo in my room for a while.
What do you do when you're all alone
and you have nowhere to run to, swear I'll find you.
And this is what I'll do; I'll take it slow (I'll take it slow)
just to let you know that we're not playing, you're not walking home.
This time I'm waiting here for you, you got nowhere to hide
i feel very angry. pissed off. for no apparant reason other than i feel like being mad at someone. well not really someone. just sort of something. dont just think its "that time of the month" because even though it is (i think. ive never really kept track. is that bad that its been like 2 years and i still have never bothered to like, keep track of when exactly my period is?) i've been feeling like this for a while. omg. i really have nothing to talk about right now. i just want to sort of stew if you get what i mean. just sit in my room with the lights off and stare at the ceiling being mad at whatever or whoever.
i need to take a walk. but its so cold. what i really want to do is go over to someone's house. but who's going to be home to let me in? dillon might be, maybe dakota, or maybe not. dillon will probably be out somewhere. he always seems to be. and dakota....
i never know with him anymore. since high school, no, since leslie, he's been different. and i'm not sure if i like it. i mean he's more mature, which im sure everyone appreciates, but he's been hanging out with different people. he acts as if he's my friend, and he talks to me occasionally, but only when he's bored. as if i'm just a way to pass the time. i never really talked to him much before anyway, but now i feel like im fourth or fifth in his book. he even treats me different when he's around angela and john and leslie and haylie, even though they are basically my friends too.
getting back on topic...
i really need to get away somewhere. to spend a night away from my home. no, i cant call it that. it could never be my home. i dont have one really. no where that i truly feel like i want to be. i mean there are people i want to be with, and with them it really wouldnt matter where i am, but no particular place that i want to be more than anywhere else. I just really cant stand being here anymore. There is no particular reason why. I mean i was arguing a lot with my mom the other day, but that was because she was being moody, not because we had really anything to fight about. It's not like i ever really talk to my mom at all. Mostly i go to my room and sleep and listen to music and whatever. I only say what is necessary, like, what's for dinner, or im done doing the dishes or i need some money (which we have none of by the way). But other than that i dont say one word to her. But lately i feel this strange tension in the air, sort of like i can feel that something bad is coming. I dont know if any of you ever really noticed, but i'm the least confrontational person ever. If there is anyway to avoid something dramatic, i will, but i feel like something really bad is coming and its unavoidable.
its these moments in time where i realize that i need a job, so that i can move out, or rather, move in with someone else. not that i could really think of someone who would take me in (well that's not true, i know of lots of people who would, but im talking more of the people who actually could). I really wonder what my parents would do if i just left. I would imagine they would freak out. or maybe just my mom. she freaks when i forget to call home from a friends house for god's sake. after about 12 hours they would call the police or something. i dont think they'd put it off much longer than that.
but i seriously am considering just packing a bunch of stuff and leaving. i'll actually probably end up moving in with my sister if i do that
but i think that if i do leave home, i'll wait until i have a job and a car. that would be the smart thing to do.
yeah. so im talking to alejandra and i was just bringing her up to speed on my situation with carl and our upcoming anniversary, and i realized, that if we skip school on my birthday or whatever, it would jeopardize the chances of us going to the concert because as he knows, my parents are all paranoid about me doing well in school and they are hanging the concert over my head and saying that if i dont do well in school then i wont go. now if i had a car, that would be no problem, and if i could actually secure someone who has a car that would be willing to take us to the concert, i would just completely disregard them and go anyway, but that is not the case. at least i dont think so, but it probably would be. so i just think that we should skip on our actual anniversary. that would probably work better.
anyways. im probably gonna go be all emo in my room for a while.
Jan 19, 2008
kick off your stilettos and fuck me in the backseat
xD
well...
maybe not the backseat
xD
no jkjkjklololol
but it was pretty fucking close
well...
maybe not the backseat
xD
no jkjkjklololol
but it was pretty fucking close
Jan 18, 2008
"there's no one more full of crap than steven"
-compliments of alec baldwin from last nights episode of celebrity apprentice
i dont know how many other people watch this show, but i have to tell those of you who don't, this season has some pretty funny people. so it kind of makes the show worth watching. other than that, the fact that they brought back omarosa just pisses me off. and she in general, just pisses me off. and also gene simmons is pretty much a stubborn dick, but he was fired last night, so its all good.
i dont know how many other people watch this show, but i have to tell those of you who don't, this season has some pretty funny people. so it kind of makes the show worth watching. other than that, the fact that they brought back omarosa just pisses me off. and she in general, just pisses me off. and also gene simmons is pretty much a stubborn dick, but he was fired last night, so its all good.
Jan 15, 2008
i hate to break it to you but being a coward is not a legitimate career
is it right to admit i was wrong?
then why does it feel so horrible?
why does it hurt to just admit that i need help? that i need to rely on someone else to fix my problems? why do i feel like i have to do it all on my own? why do i feel like i can do it all on my own? i know i cant. i know i need help. someone help me please! i need help! i cant save myself as much as i want to.
i am helpless, and i am alone, and i am scared
but i dont want your help. i dont need your help. i can do it on my own. with a miracle and some duct tape i suppose. but i can do it. no. i could do it. there is a difference. im not sure of what exactly it is, but i know there is one, and that it is a big difference.
then why does it feel so horrible?
why does it hurt to just admit that i need help? that i need to rely on someone else to fix my problems? why do i feel like i have to do it all on my own? why do i feel like i can do it all on my own? i know i cant. i know i need help. someone help me please! i need help! i cant save myself as much as i want to.
i am helpless, and i am alone, and i am scared
but i dont want your help. i dont need your help. i can do it on my own. with a miracle and some duct tape i suppose. but i can do it. no. i could do it. there is a difference. im not sure of what exactly it is, but i know there is one, and that it is a big difference.
Jan 11, 2008
push me, and then just touch me, till i can get my satisfaction
:DDDDDD
i most definitely remembered the time at the spree when me and katie waited like half an hour in line to go on the fireball with like the last of our tickets, and when we got on, that song came on and most definitely made our entire summers.
and while i was bathed in nostalgia, i went to my fabulous music website and listened to it and totally pissed my mom off because she thinks that techno, and in particular that song, is annoying.
I'm tired as fuck though and could really use some sleep considering i only got 3 hours last night and then went through the whole day buzzed on 32 fluid ounces of monster.
and now im stuck at my sister's birthday/ jewelry party entertaining a bunch of 5 year olds and being forced to socialize with the other people's preppy teen daughters. Gag me please. Although one of the girls is like me, you know, dressing in all black and listening to screamo and such, but i dont think my mom gets that just because we look alike, doesnt mean we will instantly bond, which is what i think she's trying to get me to do. Yeah. Emo kids are loners for a reason mom. I swear to god i have barely spoken to that girl the entire night, and i doubt i will say much more to her.
uggh. i'm feeling like psychological withdrawls right now. NOT in the sense that i'm like addicted to something, i mean it quite literally, that psychologically, i am withdrawing. i feel almost like i am starting to lose my grip on reality again. but the real problem is, what will this affect in the future? i know what it has done in the past. i'm sure carl is painfully aware, and maybe its just this time of year, where its getting closer to my "impending doom" as i like to call it. i suppose that this time i will be better equipped to deal with it. better prepared you know, and im sure carl will be too, but what i really think, is that when i start to lose it again, just let me be alone for a week or two and get wasted.
that would probably be best for all of us.
anyway, tomorrow i plan on seeing sweeney todd with carl. i have mixed feelings about that movie after i saw the original one, and im just not sure how well a slasher movie can do as a musical. but regardless, i shall see it, and then afterwards me and katie and carl must go to the dollar store to buy an ultra thong.
xD
sounds like fun
except for the mountain of homework i'd have to do. FINALS SUCK DICK
i have to do all of these reviews and whatever, and i dont even remember what ones i can put off until tuesday and what ones are due on monday, which basically means that i have to do all of them :[[[
i really fucked myself over on this one
i most definitely remembered the time at the spree when me and katie waited like half an hour in line to go on the fireball with like the last of our tickets, and when we got on, that song came on and most definitely made our entire summers.
and while i was bathed in nostalgia, i went to my fabulous music website and listened to it and totally pissed my mom off because she thinks that techno, and in particular that song, is annoying.
I'm tired as fuck though and could really use some sleep considering i only got 3 hours last night and then went through the whole day buzzed on 32 fluid ounces of monster.
and now im stuck at my sister's birthday/ jewelry party entertaining a bunch of 5 year olds and being forced to socialize with the other people's preppy teen daughters. Gag me please. Although one of the girls is like me, you know, dressing in all black and listening to screamo and such, but i dont think my mom gets that just because we look alike, doesnt mean we will instantly bond, which is what i think she's trying to get me to do. Yeah. Emo kids are loners for a reason mom. I swear to god i have barely spoken to that girl the entire night, and i doubt i will say much more to her.
uggh. i'm feeling like psychological withdrawls right now. NOT in the sense that i'm like addicted to something, i mean it quite literally, that psychologically, i am withdrawing. i feel almost like i am starting to lose my grip on reality again. but the real problem is, what will this affect in the future? i know what it has done in the past. i'm sure carl is painfully aware, and maybe its just this time of year, where its getting closer to my "impending doom" as i like to call it. i suppose that this time i will be better equipped to deal with it. better prepared you know, and im sure carl will be too, but what i really think, is that when i start to lose it again, just let me be alone for a week or two and get wasted.
that would probably be best for all of us.
anyway, tomorrow i plan on seeing sweeney todd with carl. i have mixed feelings about that movie after i saw the original one, and im just not sure how well a slasher movie can do as a musical. but regardless, i shall see it, and then afterwards me and katie and carl must go to the dollar store to buy an ultra thong.
xD
sounds like fun
except for the mountain of homework i'd have to do. FINALS SUCK DICK
i have to do all of these reviews and whatever, and i dont even remember what ones i can put off until tuesday and what ones are due on monday, which basically means that i have to do all of them :[[[
i really fucked myself over on this one
Jan 10, 2008
So here's your holiday, I hope you enjoy it this time, you gave it all away
It was mine, so when your dead and gone,
Will you remember this night 20 years now on?
The lonely night grips me in my sorrow. Am I cursed to an eternal dark with only a computer playing the saddest of songs and a big gulp filled with coke? And not only that I have no clothes even to liven up my dying limbs. They sit there in the dryer waiting to be moist, or lackthereof, to my satisfaction.
It's cold in the house when im alone. It's cold in the house when im not. It's cold, but such is winter. Telle est la vie, non?
Oui, la vie est très froide à ceux qui sont si chaude. Savez-vous ce que veux dire je? Je pense que vous savez, excepté ceux de toi qui ne parlent pas français. Alors je pense que vous devriez le rechercher dans un traducteur.
Anyways, I am alone, I am cold, it is 4 in the morning, and if it were the summer time, which it is clearly not, i would be awaiting the sunrise. But alas, it is the depressing and tormenting winter time that is January and the sun is not to wake until 8, by which time school of course would have began and completely taken the spledor out of seeing it peak above the horizon, as if testing the water before diving into the sky.
Have you noticed how metaphorical I am right now? It's kind of wierding me out. Maybe it's my imagination telling me to write a story? I don't feel very creative right now, and I don't nearly have the time. C'est une honte. Temps est ce que nous ne semblons jamais avoir, pourtant on besoin tellement de.
:/
that is all for now. I must take a shower, and reacquire my clothes that are (hopefully) dry, and do my homework.
salut, je t'aime
Will you remember this night 20 years now on?
The lonely night grips me in my sorrow. Am I cursed to an eternal dark with only a computer playing the saddest of songs and a big gulp filled with coke? And not only that I have no clothes even to liven up my dying limbs. They sit there in the dryer waiting to be moist, or lackthereof, to my satisfaction.
It's cold in the house when im alone. It's cold in the house when im not. It's cold, but such is winter. Telle est la vie, non?
Oui, la vie est très froide à ceux qui sont si chaude. Savez-vous ce que veux dire je? Je pense que vous savez, excepté ceux de toi qui ne parlent pas français. Alors je pense que vous devriez le rechercher dans un traducteur.
Anyways, I am alone, I am cold, it is 4 in the morning, and if it were the summer time, which it is clearly not, i would be awaiting the sunrise. But alas, it is the depressing and tormenting winter time that is January and the sun is not to wake until 8, by which time school of course would have began and completely taken the spledor out of seeing it peak above the horizon, as if testing the water before diving into the sky.
Have you noticed how metaphorical I am right now? It's kind of wierding me out. Maybe it's my imagination telling me to write a story? I don't feel very creative right now, and I don't nearly have the time. C'est une honte. Temps est ce que nous ne semblons jamais avoir, pourtant on besoin tellement de.
:/
that is all for now. I must take a shower, and reacquire my clothes that are (hopefully) dry, and do my homework.
salut, je t'aime
Jan 7, 2008
Do you believe your missing out? That everything good is happening somewhere else? But with nobody in your bed, the night's hard to get through
Why can't you take emotional sick days? Where you are just so out of it, unhappy, unwilling to go and do anything? I need one of those today. I kind of caught a break though. I went to bed super early, so i could therefore wake up super early, and it worked perfectly, except for the fact that my alarm didnt go off. So i awoke to my dad waking me up at quarter to 6 expecting me to be somewhat ready and able to get to school in half an hour even though i had to take a shower, put my clothes in the dryer, make and eat breakfast, dry and fix my hair, and of course, get dressed. Another perfect example of his lack of parental ability. Plus, i was supposed to wake up early so i could do my homework, which you all know i did not do. So i told him that he should just call me in late as i jumped in the shower.
i was so mad at myself, and at him, i stayed in there for half an hour just trying to calm down and stop crying. Maybe i lost track of time, or maybe i subconciously did it on purpose so that i could stall for time until my sister had to go to school. After which point, no one would be able to take me to school late, so i would have to stay home. But either way, when i got out of the shower, i was not the same as when i went in. I was just emotionally... lost, spent, done. I just absentmindedly floated through the next hour, zombie like as i made waffles and got my clothes from the dryer. I swear i spent about 40 minutes just sitting in front of my mirror looking at it. No, through it, at something that was on the other side, so close, yet so far away. I'm starting to think that i was looking at the way i used to be, the way we all used to be, the way everything used to be. Why can't we just go back to that? When it was so much easier, i was so much happier, everything was just better? When i used to listen, i did well in school, and didnt have thoughts of death hanging over everything i did.
I tried to talk to someone about my problems. He didnt reply. I know he read it. but he didnt reply. I half expected him not to in the first place. How could he give advice to me? We have been through some similar shit, and he's really helped before, but this, this goes way beyond anything we'd ever thought i'd have to face, that he might have to face. But i need guidance. I can't stumble around in the dark anymore, i need something to hold on to, something to help me along, and i'm running out of places to look.
i was so mad at myself, and at him, i stayed in there for half an hour just trying to calm down and stop crying. Maybe i lost track of time, or maybe i subconciously did it on purpose so that i could stall for time until my sister had to go to school. After which point, no one would be able to take me to school late, so i would have to stay home. But either way, when i got out of the shower, i was not the same as when i went in. I was just emotionally... lost, spent, done. I just absentmindedly floated through the next hour, zombie like as i made waffles and got my clothes from the dryer. I swear i spent about 40 minutes just sitting in front of my mirror looking at it. No, through it, at something that was on the other side, so close, yet so far away. I'm starting to think that i was looking at the way i used to be, the way we all used to be, the way everything used to be. Why can't we just go back to that? When it was so much easier, i was so much happier, everything was just better? When i used to listen, i did well in school, and didnt have thoughts of death hanging over everything i did.
I tried to talk to someone about my problems. He didnt reply. I know he read it. but he didnt reply. I half expected him not to in the first place. How could he give advice to me? We have been through some similar shit, and he's really helped before, but this, this goes way beyond anything we'd ever thought i'd have to face, that he might have to face. But i need guidance. I can't stumble around in the dark anymore, i need something to hold on to, something to help me along, and i'm running out of places to look.
Jan 5, 2008
You're brought back but you're running, I'll find sleep in the end tonight. I can't shake this little feeling, I'll never get anything right
Fuck it. I have nothing to say right now.
My yearn to speak out is drowned by my lack of speech. It's stuck in my throat, and it hurts to swallow, but i know this sickness wont pass soon. I can't think of anything. After this one night, this one small comfort, my mind is blank yet again. But what is it that is making me so ill in the mind and the soul? It's one word and i think you probably know what it is. Actually its two words, but there is no difference between them, other than the way they're spelled. Isn't it a funny that they both have four letters? Isn't it funny that they both are inexplicably unexplainable and make me weak in the knees and strong in the heart? Isn't it funny that they can strip you bare inside and out?
Indeed they are funny things
well take me, take me back to your bed
I love you so much that it hurts my head
say I don't mind you under my skin
I'll let the bad parts in, the bad parts in
when we were made we were set apart
life is a test and I get bad marks
now some saint got the job of writing down my sins
the storm is coming, the storm is coming in
My yearn to speak out is drowned by my lack of speech. It's stuck in my throat, and it hurts to swallow, but i know this sickness wont pass soon. I can't think of anything. After this one night, this one small comfort, my mind is blank yet again. But what is it that is making me so ill in the mind and the soul? It's one word and i think you probably know what it is. Actually its two words, but there is no difference between them, other than the way they're spelled. Isn't it a funny that they both have four letters? Isn't it funny that they both are inexplicably unexplainable and make me weak in the knees and strong in the heart? Isn't it funny that they can strip you bare inside and out?
Indeed they are funny things
well take me, take me back to your bed
I love you so much that it hurts my head
say I don't mind you under my skin
I'll let the bad parts in, the bad parts in
when we were made we were set apart
life is a test and I get bad marks
now some saint got the job of writing down my sins
the storm is coming, the storm is coming in
Jan 1, 2008
I am on the mend. At least now I can say that I am trying. And I hope you will forget things I still lack.
It's been so long since I've heard that song. I really love the lyrics. There's just something about them that speaks to me, if you know what I mean, and I'm sure you do. And if you don't, go listen to any album by Brand New completely through and tell me again that you don't. Their new album is amazing. I love the song Jesus.
Don't you ever think that a song was written about you, or for you? I get that way when I hear that song. Well, really any of their songs. It's just so easy to connect to them. Or maybe I'm just a sap for a few well written lines and some laidback yet edgy notes. Either way, the album is so great to listen to.
I love it when you listen to an album nonstop for a few weeks and it practically becomes your life, and then after a few months of misplacement and disregard, you find it buried under all of your shit and put it once again into your cd player and rediscover why you loved it so much in the first place. It's a great feeling. God I love music so much. It's so perfect and flawless, yet it's constantly renewing and refining itself. I think it's really the only stable thing in my life and I don't know what I would've done if the music wasn't there.
Don't you ever think that a song was written about you, or for you? I get that way when I hear that song. Well, really any of their songs. It's just so easy to connect to them. Or maybe I'm just a sap for a few well written lines and some laidback yet edgy notes. Either way, the album is so great to listen to.
I love it when you listen to an album nonstop for a few weeks and it practically becomes your life, and then after a few months of misplacement and disregard, you find it buried under all of your shit and put it once again into your cd player and rediscover why you loved it so much in the first place. It's a great feeling. God I love music so much. It's so perfect and flawless, yet it's constantly renewing and refining itself. I think it's really the only stable thing in my life and I don't know what I would've done if the music wasn't there.
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