MADECKAAUM!

don't even ask
but i wont bother explaining, you won't get it anyway.
it's only an inside joke between me and kayleigh.
who, by the way, i had one of the most interesting conversations with today:

x84thx: sooo andrea how are you on this fine fine day? lost your virginity yet?
mylastmatch22: hahahah
mylastmatch22: no
mylastmatch22: im sick as a dog
mylastmatch22: which from what i heard from katie
mylastmatch22: is very bad
x84thx: me too! well I will be tomorrow
mylastmatch22: ?
mylastmatch22: you will be sick?
x84thx: yes
mylastmatch22: thats not cool
x84thx: yes no
x84thx: ...
mylastmatch22: im all confuzzled
x84thx: i make sense wooow
x84thx: like yes no its not
mylastmatch22: oh okay
mylastmatch22: that is more sensical
mylastmatch22: yeah i have like the superfast flu
mylastmatch22: in a period of one hour
mylastmatch22: first i was fine
mylastmatch22: then 10 mins later
mylastmatch22: i was puking blood in the bathroom
mylastmatch22: and that was how i spent most of the night
mylastmatch22: and in the morning
mylastmatch22: i was pretty much fine
x84thx: ok
mylastmatch22: yeah it was pretty quick
x84thx: you are way sicker than me
x84thx: lmfao
mylastmatch22: lol
x84thx: i am really hoping right now you didnt like breathe that shit on me
mylastmatch22: lmao
mylastmatch22: i havent been in close contact with you since bergers
x84thx: right
mylastmatch22: are you saying that you have been near me since a week ago?
mylastmatch22: thats kind of stalkerish
x84thx: well maybe the bug was dormant in you for a week then today it encountered some speed in you then peer pressure caused it to try the speed hence the i-am-sick-as-a-dog
x84thx: yes
x84thx: i may be implying that
mylastmatch22: lmao
mylastmatch22: kayleigh saum you never fail to make me laugh
x84thx: andrea leja you never fail to pressure your viruses into doing drugs then breathing it on me
x84thx: bitch
mylastmatch22: lol
mylastmatch22: you know what is a good movie?
mylastmatch22: bickford schmeckler's cool ideas
x84thx: just kidding I love you bff
x84thx: what?
x84thx: ooh
mylastmatch22: its a movie
x84thx: ok
mylastmatch22: and its really good
mylastmatch22: i was watching it this morning
x84thx: i will see about pirating it
mylastmatch22: you should@
mylastmatch22: !*
x84thx: if you are into romantic comedies then pirate waitress
mylastmatch22: hmm
mylastmatch22: maybe i should
x84thx: if not then just turn me down andrea
mylastmatch22: i shall not turn you down!
mylastmatch22: i should never
x84thx: but WOULD you
x84thx: dun dun dun
x84thx: well im gonna go your drug bug gave me a bitch of a headache
mylastmatch22: lmao
mylastmatch22: okay
mylastmatch22: have fun
x84thx: goodbye lofebaneja
mylastmatch22: maddekaum
x84thx: oh I will
mylastmatch22: lol
mylastmatch22: bye then
x84thx: good thing I dont throw up
mylastmatch22: hah
mylastmatch22: dont
x84thx: oh! that was my name!
mylastmatch22: lmao
mylastmatch22: wow
x84thx: you are one fantastic bitch
mylastmatch22: i am indeed
mylastmatch22: hey
mylastmatch22: do you think that squirrels like pasta?
x84thx: yes
mylastmatch22: what makes you say that/
x84thx: everyone likes pasta
mylastmatch22: lol
mylastmatch22: italians do
x84thx: especially squirrels
mylastmatch22: but i dont think that our squirrel is italian
mylastmatch22: or from an italian origin
x84thx: no
x84thx: everyone does
mylastmatch22: okay if you say so
mylastmatch22: looks like our squirrel is having pasta tonight
x84thx: i believe those are the same thing
mylastmatch22: lol
mylastmatch22: okay
x84thx: im not even gonna ask why you are saying our squirrel like you have one as a pet
mylastmatch22: well sort of
mylastmatch22: he lives in the wild and whatever, but we feed him,
mylastmatch22: so he's kind of our
x84thx: so it lives outwide
mylastmatch22: s
mylastmatch22: well yeah
x84thx: side
mylastmatch22: but we take care of it
x84thx: yes
mylastmatch22: so technically its our pet
mylastmatch22: technically
x84thx: do you really think that squirrels eat at 1am?
mylastmatch22: well no
x84thx: technically
mylastmatch22: but it will probably eat it later
mylastmatch22: like at 10
mylastmatch22: when it is of course awake
x84thx: if you ever meet anyone that doesnt like pasta tell them they are not included in the group "everyone"
mylastmatch22: lmao
mylastmatch22: okay
mylastmatch22: i will
mylastmatch22: but i dont think that i have met anyone who doesnt like pasta
x84thx: even if it does like pasta, does it like it 9 hours old?
x84thx: well I suppose I do
x84thx: still
mylastmatch22: lol
mylastmatch22: im sure squirrels arent too picky
x84thx: and on that note, I will leave
mylastmatch22: especially in the winter time
mylastmatch22: okay
x84thx: you are not sure
mylastmatch22: see you later then

"everything is awesome. fundamentally" -bickford schmeckler's epic sex poem

no. its not awesome.
i spent all night puking up blood, every 20 minutes.
i couldnt get to sleep either
i pretty much got most of my sleep, lying on the bathroom floor trying not to move.

i would shut my eyes and it would feel like i slept for hours, but when i opened them, it had only been 2 mins.
fucking sucked

so now im sore all over, my throat hurts, i can barely move, and my diet consists of soda, because i can't keep anything else down.
D:

and last night, ronda wouldnt leave me alone. everytime i puked she was right there asking if i was okay and when i told her i was she said, "no honey you're not" and so i'm like, yes i am, just let me vomit and leave me alone. she kept asking if i needed anything and kept bringing in washcloths and kept cleaning out the bucket whenever i did anything. I dont know how many times i told her to leave me alone. she just didnt get it.
she thought it was because i was a "big girl" and i wanted to do things on my own, which wasnt it at all. its just that my mom never did anything for me when i was younger. she just kind of let me be sick, and occasionally checked on me. its just all that ive ever known, and it was kind of wierd and annoying for ronda to be doting on me.

and aside from her not leaving me alone, she kept asking if i had taken anything, like drugwise, or if i had drank anything. which totally peeved me. why cant i just be sick? why do they always have to jump to the worst conclusions. im not stupid enough to do any illegal substances around them, and if i was, i've never before had a violent reaction to them anyway, well at least not like what happened last night.

bleh
i dont know how to end this post so i will just stop typ

losing half a year, waiting for you here, i'd be your anything

kenny came back today
and i hung out with him for an hour or two, i lost track of time
why does it have to be so complicated?

everytime he comes over, everytime i see him, i feel so bad because he likes me so much. he always tells me, he always says "if only you didnt have a boyfriend. why do you have to have a boyfriend? everytime i see you. you always have one" it just makes me feel bad because i like him, i always have. some people think im crazy for it, but he's really a nice guy and he's a really good friend, not to say that i would leave carl for him, because hell no i would not. i love carl so much and i couldnt ever think of being with someone else, and carl, dont ever doubt that i love you because of this, but i know that if i hadnt met carl when i did, and kenny and i were both single, it would have happened.

its just that kenny has always been such a good friend to me, and as he said, he was really the first guy, but the love i have for kenny is not even close to the love i have for carl. i love kenny like a brother, actually more like, a really good friend, but i love carl more passionately and deeply than i have ever loved someone before, and i dont know what i would ever do if i lost him. but kenny, i kind of lose him all the time. he moved to dearborn with his mom, he doesnt go to churchill, and he doesnt come around this neighborhood anymore since he doesnt live with his grandma. he's just never around. i've already sort of lost him, and it just makes it hurt that much more when he comes back. because i want to be with him, and be around him, but i feel so bad when he tells me how much he wants to be with me, how much he misses me, and i feel bad when he leaves again, because i just never know when i'm going to see him.

im just so confused right now
D:

p.s.
CARL I LOVE YOU SO MUCH AND PLEASE DONT WORRY ABOUT WHAT I'VE JUST SAID IN THIS POST BECAUSE I LOVE YOU SO MUCH AND I WANT TO BE WITH YOU FOREVER. I WOULD NEVER EVEN DREAM ABOUT BEING WITH SOMEONE ELSE, ESPECIALLY KENNY, BECAUSE I DONT LIKE HIM NEARLY AS MUCH AS I LOVE YOU.

it's not your fault so please stop your crying now

but it is my fault. it's all my fault, and i couldnt stop crying if i wanted to
im sorry
im so sorry
its all my fault
i didnt want it to happen
please im so sorry carl
can you forgive me?
what can i say besides im sorry?
besides i tried?
besides i failed?
its all my fault, it always is


i was supposed to call my mom last night from berger's and i forgot, which i always do, and then when i got home she was really mad. And it doesnt help that at that moment, my dad brought in the mail and got my progress report and saw how horrible i was doing. Do you want to know how i did in my classes? in four of them i am currently failing and the other two i have c's. do you know why i happen to be failing? because i dont turn in work, which is exactly why i got in trouble last time. This was my second chance and i was supposed to be turning in my homework.
damnit
im sorry
its all my fault
im sorry im a failure
im sorry that i have horrible grades, and that apparantly im not trying hard enough. do you think that i like going into my classes and seeing my teachers look at me with the "i know you can do better" face? do you think i like it when they ask me what's wrong, and why i cant do my work and i cant even answer them? do you think i like to see my grades as they slowly begin to drop? Can't you see that i am trying? im just not good enough. I just can't do it. I hate everything. I hate myself.
my mom told me that if i dont improve my grades, she'll transfer me to thurston, and i won't be allowed to see any of you again. i dont fucking think she's kidding either. i mean what would stop her from doing it? but if she did that, i would probably do worse in school, do an insane amount of drugs, get depressed and kill myself. and dont think im being overdramatic, because i know that's what will happen, im not imagining the worst. How many friends do you think i'll make there? in the middle of the year? looking the way i do? how well do you think my grades will be, when i have no friends, no motivation, and at that point, not a care in the world?

fuck
i really need to cry
really really bad
and i need carl to let me cry on his shoulder
but i cant
because its all my fault
and now im fucking grounded
i can't see anyone over break
i can't do anything
and its all my fault
its always my fault

you have no idea how much i want to die right now
i was going to kill myself last night
but i wouldnt do that to carl
i wouldnt leave him like that
i couldnt leave him like that
but im fucking dying inside
every day, every minute, every second that i have to spend in this house
in either house
with either of my parents
their disappointment, confusion, hatred
it coats the air with a heavy and sickly feeling
im fucking dying inside
rotting from the inside out
i want to die
please someone kill me
please
im fucking begging you
give me a gun
give me a knife
give me anything, i bet i can find a way to kill myself with it
i dont want to be here anymore
i want to be with carl
anywhere but here

im sorry
so sorry
i hurt myself last night
i cut my arm up
all over the place
there was blood everywhere
dripping from my arm
and in the process of getting the razor
i managed to slice my thumb pretty badly
and so that was bleeding all over as well
and it was all over my face
and my clothes
and dripping onto the floor
it was so beautiful that i never wanted it to stop
im sorry
i really am
but you would have done the same thing
i know you would have

i dont want to hurt any of you, especially carl
but i cant take it anymore
rest peacefully knowing that i wont kill myself as of yet
that i will come back from break in one piece
but know that it is always at the front of my mind
in everything i do
i just cant bring myself to leave carl like that
i love him too much to hurt him


let me be the one to call you baby all the time
show me you can take some comfort knowing that you're mine
just hold me tight
lay by my side
and let me be the one who calls you baby all the time

i found my place in the world
could stare at your face for the rest of my days
now i can't breath, turn my insides out, and smother me
warm and alive, im all over you, wont you smother me?

let me be the one who never leaves you all alone
i hold my breath and lose the feeling that im on my own
hold me too tight
stay by my side
and let me be the one who calls you baby all the time

i found my place in the world
could stare at your face for the rest of my days
now i can't breath, turn my insides out, and smother me
warm and alive, im all over you, wont you smother me?

when im alone, time goes so slow,
i need you here with me
and how my mistakes, have made your heartbreak
still need you hear with me
so baby i'm
baby i'm here

In this sea of lonely, The taste of ink is getting old, It's four o' clock in the fucking morning, Each day gets more and more like the last day

im so happy
i need to cry really bad
but i dont want to

let it out
i want to keep it in
all of this feeling

am i selfish for it?
for reveling in it?
cherishing it?

i wouldnt think so,
yet something tells me i am
i should let it go
or maybe not
ill bottle it up
and keep it as a noose around my neck
so as it ever fills
it ever tightens
until its contents suffocate me

some might say i died of heartbreak
but only few will really know that i died of heartmend
that i died of love

and really isnt that the best way to go?

it's not your fault so please stop your crying now

what's life like bleeding on the floor?

Make It Worth It



your a loser
you are worthless
end your life
end this mess
oh how you've wanted to
oh how you've tried
oh how you've stopped yourself
oh how you've cried
there's so much to live for
so much you've not done
yet there's so much to die for
so much you've not won
filled with confusing thoughts
do it
dont
do it
dont
you just with they'd stop
those voices within you
those voices around you
those that spin you
those that drown you
you see yourself
above yourself
you're falling now
you're bleeding now
can't you see you're dead now?
but how you wish you could take it back
its not what you wanted
it never really was
but its too late
the white has faded to black
but how could you ever make it worth it
when you gave it all
and they gave you shit?
they tore you up
tore you open
you covered it up
your deadly sin
but it wasnt good enough
it never is
you gave it all
they gave you shit
was it worth it?
it never is
you gave it all
they gave you shit
and you're falling now
you're bleeding now
can't they see you're dead now?
but they can't make it worth it

you say that Peter, but i think that is your biggest pretend

I love Peter Pan
Jeremy Sumpter is a very convincing Peter.

maybe my love for that movie spawns from my childlike ideals and my deep wish never to grow up. Maybe I believe in the love will conquer all thing. Maybe i believe in faeries.

no wait...

I do believe in faeries! I do! I do!
I do believe in faeries! I do! I do!
I do believe in faeries! I do! I do!

@_@
im silly

if you've never seen that movie you probably have no idea what im talking about with the whole faeries thing, its okay because there are so many remakes of that movie that its hard to keep track. But i think that this remake is the best. Jeremy Sumpter may have been like twelve when he made that movie but at the time it came out so was i, and he looked pretty damn good running around half naked in a suit of leaves. But now when i watch that movie i feel like a pedophile :/

he looks so much better now though.
theres just something about his face...
and those eyes...

oh well,
getting my head out of neverland...

so apparantly im going to gabbys house later this week
and berger/tam's party on the 19th
and jon's party whenever it is

and it wasnt like "hey do you want to go?"
it was like "hey your going"
and im just like okay whatever

i forgot to mention that allison gave me a strange proposal today
she's just like "hey you and i need to make out in front of carl so you can tell me if im a good kisser"
and again
its just like "um okay sure. just tell me where and when."
@_@
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
so im really happy otherwise
i feel like ive reconnected with dillon
like hes telling me things again
it feels good to know that he'd go to me when he has a problem
and that i can go to him when i have one

its nice to end this day on such a good note :D

I don't know what i want

thanx carl. a lot.
now im going to have that song stuck in my head all day
and you know whats worse?
the story you told about how you got it stuck in your head
because now whenever i hear it, im gonna think of your dad.
and your dad, and that song, together, is not a pretty picture at all.
xD
or maybe it should be:
Dx
im going to need some serious therapy for that one.


anyways, reporting back to you from 3rd hour again, i just finished that dumb paper that we had to do with our giant textbook things. Who in the hell makes a textbook about managing your personal finances?
obviously someone who lives with their mom and is like 40, balding and a virgin.
xD
im so silly, but its probably true.


I've been feeling really down lately. more so than before, and i want to cut myself, to bleed all over the place, and especially to show it to my mom. Like it would make me so happy if i could just put the blood all over my hands and then slap her, so that the palm print would be on her face and i would have that memory with me for the rest of my life. and if i was cruel enough and remembered to, i would probably take a picture.

I really just want to make someone cry and make someone hurt. It's been so long since i've done that, but i know that i love my friends too dearly to do that to any of you, and that if i ever hurt any of you, it would probably hurt me even more. I know this sounds really sadistic, but i really just want to find someone or something that i can just kick the living shit out of. I would do it to my sister, but there would be consequences for that. Even though i would really love to see her with a fat lip and a black eye. she seriously deserves it for all the shit she's been giving me lately. I'm so sick of her not giving me any respect.

of anyone not giving me any respect. Oh my god, all i ever do around my dad's house is fucking clean up after my sister and my dad. They never give me any goddamn respect or acknowledgement. They both treat me like shit, or they dont treat me at all. I told dillon this and he told me just to stop cleaning up after them, and truth be told he has a point, but i cant because i do it more for myself because i dont want to live in a fucking shithole.

im just so tired of everything you know?

All around me are familiar faces, wornout place, wornout faces

Theres quite a trend i noticed going on right now in the way of blog posts, and just peoples feelings in general
everyone is saying that they dont like who theyve become and that they want to change themselves, and that they dont care about school anymore. Everyone just wants to let go of what theyve accomplished and float through life.

And not to seem like i am one of the trend, surely i am not, perhaps it isnt really a trend and more of an extremely large coincedence, but i must say i agree. I hate school. I put it off time and again, never do homework, never get good grades, never do anything worth shit. But, then again, not to sound like im full of myself, but you guys are basically now realizing what i did long ago. That school isnt worth your time, and that you should just stop trying all together. Your wishing to live like i have been, and this I say to all of you who are feeling down right now, who feel like I do about everything. You dont want to live as if your floating through life, with no worries or strife. (that wasnt intended to rhyme) It is horrible, worse even, i think, than having your set in stone structure that you all have and yet take for granted.

This goes along with what i was telling carl yesterday. My parents never really told me what to do in life. There was no direction or guidance. They set me down and told me to walk when i could not yet crawl. They never told me no, but nor did they tell me yes. They seemed to shrug me off as if i wasnt important, as if i wasnt impressionable by their decisions. But i was. I fend for myself often, I have to make all of my own decisions, and you people have no idea what i wouldnt give to have parents who actually gave a shit about me and the things that i do. I would love to have someone to keep me on track, tell me to do my homework and spend less time slacking off. In fact as im writing this i should be finishing my english essay, and do you know what? no one is telling me i should. my dad is lying on the couch sleeping. I need someone to tell me i can do better, that i am smarter than i show everyone, which i know i am. But if i dont have to, then why do it? And that's what all of you strive so hard for. The ability to decide not to do something. Well i will tell you, I am so fucked up from being what you so desperately want to be.

This life, i have, is so filled with regret, and hatred and self loathing. Its completely not worth any of your time to even attempt to live like this. All it does is make you feel worse. And you know what? this is the exact reason i turned out like i did. The drugs, the alcohol, the self mutilation, just ways to make myself feel better about my failure and their disappointment, and with no one to tell me not to, why shouldnt i? its a quick fix for my problems, and it may not seem like the best alternative, but when has anyone given me any other advice, any other way to feel better? never. and i doubt anyone will.

so please, when you read this, any of you, all of you, stop thinking that it would be better for you to stop trying, to give up on everything you have. Its probably too late for me, but at least i can go down knowing that im not dragging any of you with me.

painstakingly,

heartbreakingly

your favorite failure at what you are
and loathed success at what you're not

If I had the guts, to put this to your head. but does anything matter, when you're already dead?

You know what?
i had this really awesome poem in my head that i thought of right before i was going to go back to bed like 15 mins ago and i was going to write it down here for you all to read it and enjoy, but the second i got to the computer i couldnt write it down like i had it in my head and it just ended up sucking because i put too much thought into it. so im sorry but you will not be able to revel in my creative genius.

maybe later i can write a better one
probably not
i have yet to put up those stories that i wrote last year that really rocked, which is like the first thing i was going to do with this blog.
Im so lazy and such a procrastinator
its really not healthy.

Doesnt it feel nice to belong?

I have some things that need to be said
and you know what?
i know your going to listen

NATALIE
(i already commented this on your blog, but i feel its something that i need to say again)

if it seemed that i was coming off as hostile
i apologize
sincerly

im just not the kind of person who talks about her feelings and whatnot
and i dont share my personal life with most people. how they find out, i never can tell
i think they just assume and by some small chance they are right.
but talking about things never really comes easy for me. maybe that was why it seemed so hostile?
i dont know. but that sureashell wasnt the intention.

and how could we ever get fed up with you?
your natalie!
you are constant
there is no variations in the person that you are and the person we want to be around
why would we want to lose what is probably the only thing steady in our lives?

it is true that no one is perfect
yourself included. everyone complains about everyone else. it is a fact of life. most people wont admit it, but truth be told they are liars. Is that oxymoronic? i dont know or rightly care, but the point is, you shouldnt feel bad for complaining about people. you should feel bad that people cant deal with the fact that someone is complaining about them.

keep that in mind next time
and dont think of it as complaining
think of it as "constructive critisism" as they always seem to say. because who knows, someone might just better theirselves after hearing what you have to say as a bystander or a friend.

i trust your opinions a lot. I wish there were more of them. It never seems like there are enough people telling me "No" or "you really shouldnt do that" and as much as i rebel against what people say, i need them to tell me its wrong.


CARL
i love you
honestly and truly
and i dont know what i would ever do without you
i hate everymoment we are apart
i count the minutes until we are together
you make my life complete or as close to complete as possible

i want to cry on your shoulder
when things are wrong
i really do
but when im with you the tears wont come
you make me so happy all the time
being with you fixes things
so dont think for a minute that i dont want to talk about things with you or let you help me work it out
i want to
i just cant really cry it out with you

and although i trust everyone's opinion, except of course my parents, i trust yours way more
i need you there to tell me no. i need you to tell me that the things i do are wrong
and i need you not to get upset with me when i dont understand
or i dont see it from your point of view
you have to know that there arent many people in my life to guide me, so its almost childish how i am
i can do things just for the hell of it, because no one is there to tell me that i shouldnt
and when i do those things, i wont think about the outcome of it, or in some cases really care.
please just be patient and help me understand.

and sometimes you just confuse me so much and i know i can do the same to you, its just that the way you confuse me is not always with words. Like you say you love me but its hard for me to comprehend how much you do, and i dont want to sound needy or anything but I've never really had anyone who loved me before and there has never been someone in my life that makes me feel like you do, and so i just need reassurance that your not going to leave and that you do love me and i feel like i dont hear that enough. i feel like we use it to fill in the points when our conversations lead to silences and i want it to mean more. I want to hear it more. I want you to grab me and hold me and kiss me at the most random times, just to let me know that the word love does not just fill in the cracks and cover up the holes, but is our foundation and will keep us together, and does not just make everything seem okay on the outside.

i just have one last thing to say. why does it seem that you look for reasons to doubt me? that you look for my flaws and point them out to me and expect me not to be upset by it? like when you doubted that i would come over tomorrow because when i wrote it in the blog i said "might." I know i dont always follow through with plans but it hurts when you dont trust me or when you seem like i let you down. As reckless as i can seem at times, im very apprehensive about doing things that im not supposed to. I am a good girl. I often do as I'm told (granted its not often that im told to do anything at all), and so im very cautious about doing something that would get me in trouble, and even after i have done something a few times, i can still be nervous about doing it. i trust my instinct when it comes to danger and consequences, and that prevents me from going through with anything that i promise to do. But you must realize that as many times as my plans dont fall through, there are way more times where they do. I have told you before, if im not comfortable doing something i wont. And more often than not the intuition that guides the choices that i make is right. i trust in myself to do or not do something, and the only thing that could prevent me from going on with my decisions is that voice in the back of my head that is way wiser than the devil on my shoulder. i just need you to trust in me more and not to feel so disappointed in me when i dont live up to my word. It would kill me if i went against my concience and did something that ended up with horrible consequences, because it would just give me more reason to hate myself for it. i hate the feeling of it being my fault and i resent myself for it long after i should and it really doesnt help when you become disappointed in me. So can you please just lighten up on me and have more faith in me? aside from having you here with me, that's all i really need right now.

she's all alone again, wiping the tears from her eyes, somedays he feels like dying, she gets so sick of crying

dare i say more?

Dear future, I bought you, I own the world

i had a dream last night
it was the first one in a long time
my mom and my dad died
and then i was at school.
and just sat down and cried on carl's shoulder
after school i went back to my moms house, and her boyfriend gary was there
and we were packing all of our stuff up
because we were moving
and i looked back at my room
which at this point had been painted over
and all my stuff was gone
and i reminisced about the moments i had spent in that room
by myself or otherwise
and the moments i had spent in that house
and i began to cry again.
Then we loaded all of our stuff into the car
and went to our dad's house
and got all of our stuff from there as well
going through the same routine as at my mom's house
having moments of nostalgia as i walked through the empty places
subsequently crying
and then getting into the car to leave for godonlyknowswhere
looking back at everything for the last time
and when i woke up i was crying.


and i think now that i know why
i mean, i could care less if my mom or dad died, but the thought of losing, the only good things i have, the places that i lived and the memories i had, would truly kill me inside.

and that got me to thinking this morning, i love these houses, but they are not really homes. and for the life of me i could not say that i actually had a home.
no where that i long to return to, somewhere that i belong, that i want to be.

and when i did find a place that i could call home, it wasnt so much a single place. it was anywhere that i was with people i loved, anywhere with my friends, anywhere with carl. It's a place that i enjoy being, the only place where i am happy, that i want to be. And then i realized, that as long as i have my friends, and i have carl, i will be okay, regardless of what else happens to me.


which gets me to my point. Lots of you are always worried about me. About my problems. And now i hope that you can see, that i am fine. I always have been and always will be fine. You dont need to worry. It will all work out. I just need to deal with it my way, and you can deal with it yours.

? whatever

the world is spinning
you are standing still
i reach for you
but cannot hold on
i am slipping downward
into the eternal chaos
i reach out again
and suddenly everything is calm
my face in your hands
our lips to eachothers
and everything is right

season's are changing and waves are crashing and stars are falling all for us

This is not actually my poem. I got it off of vampirefreaks.com from one of the cults i am part of. it was just so beautiful though. Its called Beautifully Broken

The wanting mind...
- the yearning fingers...
hope for it not to leave...
-wish to linger...

Her romantic soul...
- the endeering body...
wanting more...
of a watchful hobby...

But the shivering nerves...
- the wailing jolts...
only to show..
feelings of repulse...

wish to touch...
- and touched in return...
yet fear coverts..
wishes to concerns...

an angel...
pure and sweet... of wine...
to fear the love...
- she loves divine...

all do wish...
for this.. curse... to break.
but her... and our love....
is not enough.. to take...

so muster... your fear...
- and dash it away.
so I may... caress... your skin...
- in glossy daze...

but... for now...
we must pay our token...
but i wish.... for you... to know... I love you.
- Because you are beautifully broken.

Because I'm a million miles away inside

Across the Universe:

best musical ever
loved it completely
very trippy
totally cool
IM GOING TO BUY IT THE SECOND IT COMES OUT ON VIDEO.
and watch it a million billion times.

hanging out at my house after:

fun
strange
sexy
strange
horny
strange
rape
strange
i dont regret a thing though
something we should do more often
maybe on wednesday???

This shit is: SUPERCALIFRAGILISTICEXPIALADOCIOUS! S-U-P-E-R-C-A-L-A-F-R-A-G-A...uh... WHAT!?

the ride there: slow and cautious
the ride back: fast, sweaty and fun

i went home, and then brushed my teeth. I could smell you on my breath the whole ride home. I would have taken a shower, because all of my clothes smell like you, but not at 5 in the morning.
so i just changed clothes. still wearing my jacket, which really wasnt involved, but it smells like your house now.
i had a good time ;]

see you in a few hours love.

and listen,
i know you might want to do some "stuff" during the movie, but i actually want to see this movie. so maybe afterwards.
sorry.

Pick up the phone nobody's home, im all alone, We've all been here before

now i feel even more like shit.

i fell back asleep and didnt sneak out to go see carl. and im sure he's probably mad at me. or dissappointed, again. i dont blame him. i deserve it.

im a horrible person. i went back on my promise, even if it was unintentional. and its not the first time that i dissappointed everyone for not keeping promises. i dont understand why everybody doesnt hate me. i have to be the worst kind of friend.

i woke up and i sat there on the floor in front of my mirror and just tried to think of some way to apologize for what i did. and i realized that no matter what i said, even if it didnt make carl mad, it wouldnt make me hate myself less. i dont deserve anything i have. i dont deserve my friends, or carl, or even the right to be alive right now. and if it wasnt for carl and my friends, i probably wouldnt be.

I'm sorry that im such a dissappointment to you

and im even more sorry that im such a dissappointment to myself.

so i feel like shit

i know you love me carl, but it seems that when your mad or sad, you always know the wrong thing to say. and normally its just little things, and i try not to let it bother me, but sometimes...

it just builds up and i get upset...

like i cant bottle it up anymore because im filled to the brim, and the lid wont screw on just right

i think we really need to talk

and since ill be seeing you in a few hours, i dont think that will be a problem.




im just glad that Dakota was there for me to vent to, unlike some of the other shitty friends i know.

if any of you people are reading this, and think that i am referring to you, i dont feel bitterly about you, im just not in the best of moods, and it will pass in about a minute or two.
so i still love you
im just kind of ticked

And I will remember your name and face, on the day you were judged by the funhouse cast, and I will rejoice in your fall from grace

okay, so i was downloading some free songs from fuse.tv and there was this one by Aesop rock, called none shall pass. and its been stuck in my head for days. i love it and i cant figure out why. i think it is the only rap song i actually passionately love. here are the lyrics and you can enjoy the funness of it:

Flash that buttery gold, jittery zeitgeist
Wither by the watering hole, water patrol
What are we, to heart huckabee, art fuckery suddenly?
Not enough young in his lung for the water wings?
Colorfully vulgar poacher at a mulch like
'I'ma pull the pulse out a soldier and bolt'
(Fine) Sign of the time we elapsed
When a primate climb up a spine and attach
Eye for an eye, by the bog life swamps and vines
They get a rise out of frogs and flies
So when a dog fights hog-tied prize sorta costs a life
The mouths water on a fork and knife
And the allure isn't right
It's gore on a war-torn beach
Where the cash cows actually beef
Blood turns wine when I leak for police
Like 'That's not a riot, it's a feast, let's eat'

And I will remember your name and face
On the day you were judged by the funhouse cast
And I will rejoice in your fall from grace
With a cane to the sky like 'None shall pass'
None shall pass, none shall pass

Now if he never had a day a snow cone couldn't fix
he wouldn't relate to the rouge vocoder bliss
How he spoke through a no-doz, motor on the fritz
'Cause he wouldn't play roll over, fetch, like a bitch
And express no regrets though he isn't worth the homeowners piss
To the jokers who pose by the glitz
(Fine) Sign of the swine and the swarm
When a king is a whore who comply and conform
Miles outside of the eye of the storm
With a siphon to lure and a prize and award
While avoiding the vile and bizarre that is violence and war
True blue triumph is more
Like wait, let it snake up outta the centerfold
Let it break the walls of Jericho. ready? go
Sat where the old cardboard city folks
Swap tails with heads like every other penny throw

And I will remember your name and face
On the day you were judged by the funhouse cast
And I will rejoice in your fall from grace
With a cane to the sky like 'None shall pass'
None shall pass, none shall pass

Okay, woke to a grocery list
Goes like this: duty and death
Anyone object, come stand in the way
You can be my little Snake River Canyon today
And I ran with a chain of commands
And a jetpack strap where the backstab lands if it can
(Fine) Sign of the vibe in the crowd
When I cut a belly open to find what climb out
What a bit of gusto he muster up
Make a dark horse rush like enough's enough
It must've struck a nerve so they huff and puff
Till all the king's men fluster and clusterfuck~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(for some reason this is my favorite line)
And it's a beautiful thing
To my people who keep an impressive wing span
Even when the cubicle shrink
You gotta pull up the intruder by the root of the weed
NY chew through the machine

[Chorus]
And I will remember your name and face
On the day you were judged by the funhouse cast
And I will rejoice in your fall from grace
With a cane to the sky like 'None shall pass'
None shall pass, none shall pass

HAHAHA! i gots bored. now you is reading the first post of my second blog on the third day of its creation. weird.
good thing im not superstitious or id probably be all freaked out for my life.

anyways, enjoy my next posts k?