it really only takes 8 minutes
xD
and no one is going to get that joke i bet. Maybe it's better that way...
my entire body aches all over. bit of advice to all of you:
don't exercise before you go to bed, wake up sore from exercise, bloated and crampy because you're on your period and then do yoga in gym class. bad + terrible + worse = INSANE PAIN. plus carl bruised my ribs this morning from hugging me too tight. so overall, its just pain. like everywhere. it feels good though, it's not a terrible pain. NO i take that back. it was a terrible pain in gym. There is no way that i am doing the downward dog on my period ever again. But bonus on the like 20 minutes of sleeping and tripping just by looking at the gymnastics room ceiling. that was cool. the rest of the day was pretty bawdy though. I did manage to steal some girl scout cookies from john and i drank allison's vitamin water a little too much and she flipped out and made some black kid go buy her another one because she wouldn't have enough to drink in biology. whatever allison. get over it.
okay, aside from regular school troubles i'm feeling a little left out lately. people wont tell me things anymore. i feel really out of the loop when i'm around everyone. it makes me feel stupid and really alone fyi. so it'd be nice if you guys might clue me in sometimes and actually tell me something when i ask about it okay?
i feel like making a list of the most random things ever. really just because i feel like making a list.
1. gah
2. e
3. c
4. s
5. t
6. a
7. s
8. y
9. i need to buy more
10. dont fret, not to use... right away anyway.
11. im not gonna end up like john i promise
12. i really like this song
13. its sad
14. and my favorite
15. it just occurred to me that you dont know what song it is
16. hahaha
17. maybe i'll be mean like all of you and just not tell you what song it is
18. i bet you wouldnt even care
19. nah probably not
20. that's okay, i still love you guys
21. okay well not all of you... xD
22. in case you didnt get it and that seriously hurt your feelings, it was a joke.
23. your probably not that stupid
24. if you are i should really reconsider what friends i have
25. that sounded really shallow
26. probably because it is.
27. well fucking deal with it.
28. french club is cool
29. cheese was bawdy
30. it was a really short meeting
31. i spent more time outside waiting with robert for my mom to pick me up.
32. hahahah
33. i bet you didnt notice that i skipped #12
34. i bet you just looked to see if i did
35. i bet you realized i was lying to you and actually didn't skip it
36. i'm such a bitch
37. that was mean of me to do to you
38. but you'll get over it because you know it was funny
39. i bet most of you fell for it and then laughed because i was so mean and also funny.
40. i bet also that you'll forgive me for being so funny
41. because you love me so much
42. this really shouldnt have been made into a list
43. it really isn't listing anything.
44. it's actually more of a paragraph
45. except counting the sentances sort of
46. i feel special
47. i should probably stop listing things now
48. i've only got one more thing to say though
49. then i'll stop
50. fuck (translated into français of course):
fuck_interj_vulgar, slang (expresses annoyance)_____putain
Oh fuck! I've locked my keys in the car.
Putain ! J'ai enfermé les clés dans la voiture.
fuck_interj_vulgar, slang (term of discontent)_____foutre ou branler
What the fuck are you doing here?
Mais qu'est-ce que tu fous là ?
Mais qu'est-ce que tu branles ici ?
fuck up_vtr_vulgar, slang (do something badly)_____merder ou foirer
She fucked up the exam.
Elle a merdé à son examen.
Elle a foiré son examen.
fuck_vtr_vulgar, slang (put in a difficult position)_____être dans la merde
I am really fucked now.
Je suis vraiment dans la merde.
fuck with_vtr_vulgar, slang (fight, engage)_____chercher ou faire chier
Don't fuck with me, or I'll break your arm.
Arrête de me chercher ou je te casse le bras.
Me fais pas chier ou je te casse le bras.
fuck_vtr_vulgar (have sexual intercourse)_____baiser
You can hear them fucking next door.
On les entend baiser à côté.
fuck_n_vulgar, slang (act of sexual intercourse)____coup
I then took her up to the bedroom for a quick fuck.
Je l'ai fait monter pour tirer un coup rapide.
fuck_n_vulgar, slang (sexual partner)_____coup ou baiser
She's a really good fuck.
C'est vraiment un bon coup.
Elle baise vraiment bien.
fuck_n _vulgar, slang (hated, contemptible person)_____sale con ou enculé ou enfoiré
I can't stand him. He's such a fuck.
Je peux pas le blairer. C'est vraiment un sale con.
Je peux pas le voir. C'est vraiment un enculé.
Je peux pas le saquer ; c'est vraiment un enfoiré.
fuck_n_vulgar, slang (totally unimportant)_____foutre ou ficher
I don't give a fuck what you think.
Je me fous complètement de ce que tu penses.
Je me fiche complètement de ce que tu penses.
fuck_vtr_vulgar, slang (break)_____niqué ou naze ou bousillé ou foutu
This TV is fucked.
La télé est niquée.
La télé est naze (or: bousillée)
La télé est foutue.
fuck_vtr_vulgar, slang (defraud)____baiser ou niquer ou enculer ou entuber
He fucked me out of a hundred dollars.
Il m'a baisé (or: Il m'a niqué) de cent dollars.
Il m'a enculé (or: Il m'a entubé) de cent dollars.
***fuck_vtr_vulgar, slang (insert something into an orifice)_____baiser ou niquer ou enculer.
***He finger fucked her.
***Il l'a baisée (or: Il l'a niquée) avec les doigts.
***Il l'a enculée avec les doigts.
Feb 24, 2008
I want you to know before you let me go, it's your fault I'm demoralized.
I've fucking had it with my mom. I can't stand being in that house anymore. I hate them all so much.
My mom came down to my room and said we should have a little talk. And we did. But it wasn't little. I got everything off of my chest that I had to. Well, most of it. It will suffice for now. I'm glad though. I made her cry. She won't be mad at me after that. I told her that I hated her, and I hated Gary. She told me I had to deal with it because this was our family now and I told her they weren't my family, they could never be, and I will never ever think of them that way. I know this hurts, it was meant to. Your secret's out and the best part is it isn't even a good one. Anyone who has seen me act around my mom, or anyone in that house could tell that i hated them. I just wonder why it took them so long to see it. My mom kept telling her that I don't treat people with enough respect. I do. Just not my family, because I don't have any respect for them. Every time she referenced something that I didn't do right, I would ask her if she was any different when she was younger, and you know what I would hear? Silence.
That was pretty much our whole conversation. Her pointing out my flaws, me pointing out those same flaws in her at my age, and then her silence. She did give me a few reminders as she left though: Be more respectful to her, Don't talk back, Listen to everything we tell you, blah, blah, blah. So I decided that I would just be courteously detached. Then it at least appears that I'm being respectful, and I pretty much never have to talk to them. I also decided that I will be there as little as possible, which means that I will be here at my dad's house a lot more. My mom kept saying that I come over here all the time, which isn't true at all. Let's count the days, shall we? Okay, so every Wednesday, and every other weekend, which is Friday night, Saturday and Sunday, so 3 1/2 days, and that is every other week. Yeah that is a shit load of time to spend at my dad's house. She also kept saying that she was tired of driving me everywhere, and that my dad should do it more. Umm, hello? My dad works all day from 7-6, so he's not around to take me places, and we are at my mom's all the time remember? It would make no sense for my dad to pick me up from my mom's, which is 10 miles from his house, to drive me to another friend's house, only to go home and then come pick me back up in an hour or two and drop me back off at my mom's. My mom is so fucking retarded.
I don't know why I even try to be nice to them at all, and I do, believe me. I hate spending my time arguing with them over the stupidest shit. It's pointless, because they use the "I'm the adult and therefore I am smarter than you and always right" card. NO. Your not always right, and I'm not always wrong.
Gary even had the gall, as he was "apologizing" to me for something that happened earlier, that he was still right, and that I can have an opinion, but it doesn't mean shit until I'm 18. And do you want to know what happened earlier and why he was apologizing in the first place? Because he was forcing the baby to go to sleep when she didn't want to and I told him just to put her down and let her play some more because she wasn't tired. He fucking exploded. "What makes you think you know more about raising kids than me? You're fucking 15, I've raised two kids already, I'm an adult, I have way more experience than you and I'm always going to be 3 times smarter than you. You have no right to say what that baby wants, and how I should take care of her. I am way smarter than you. WAY smarter. So next time you want to put in your opinion on how I take care of children, you can fucking keep your mouth shut." Because he's the fucking King of the Castle, and what he says goes.
I don't know how I will survive the next year. And I'm so glad it will only be a year, then I can move to my dad's house permanently, or just plain move out. Live with a friend or something. I bet my mom would be pissed when she finds out about this plan. I don't even know why, because her mom was never around and she spent pretty much all of her time at her friend's house. She is such a fucking hypocrite.
Whatever. I'm done with them.
My mom came down to my room and said we should have a little talk. And we did. But it wasn't little. I got everything off of my chest that I had to. Well, most of it. It will suffice for now. I'm glad though. I made her cry. She won't be mad at me after that. I told her that I hated her, and I hated Gary. She told me I had to deal with it because this was our family now and I told her they weren't my family, they could never be, and I will never ever think of them that way. I know this hurts, it was meant to. Your secret's out and the best part is it isn't even a good one. Anyone who has seen me act around my mom, or anyone in that house could tell that i hated them. I just wonder why it took them so long to see it. My mom kept telling her that I don't treat people with enough respect. I do. Just not my family, because I don't have any respect for them. Every time she referenced something that I didn't do right, I would ask her if she was any different when she was younger, and you know what I would hear? Silence.
That was pretty much our whole conversation. Her pointing out my flaws, me pointing out those same flaws in her at my age, and then her silence. She did give me a few reminders as she left though: Be more respectful to her, Don't talk back, Listen to everything we tell you, blah, blah, blah. So I decided that I would just be courteously detached. Then it at least appears that I'm being respectful, and I pretty much never have to talk to them. I also decided that I will be there as little as possible, which means that I will be here at my dad's house a lot more. My mom kept saying that I come over here all the time, which isn't true at all. Let's count the days, shall we? Okay, so every Wednesday, and every other weekend, which is Friday night, Saturday and Sunday, so 3 1/2 days, and that is every other week. Yeah that is a shit load of time to spend at my dad's house. She also kept saying that she was tired of driving me everywhere, and that my dad should do it more. Umm, hello? My dad works all day from 7-6, so he's not around to take me places, and we are at my mom's all the time remember? It would make no sense for my dad to pick me up from my mom's, which is 10 miles from his house, to drive me to another friend's house, only to go home and then come pick me back up in an hour or two and drop me back off at my mom's. My mom is so fucking retarded.
I don't know why I even try to be nice to them at all, and I do, believe me. I hate spending my time arguing with them over the stupidest shit. It's pointless, because they use the "I'm the adult and therefore I am smarter than you and always right" card. NO. Your not always right, and I'm not always wrong.
Gary even had the gall, as he was "apologizing" to me for something that happened earlier, that he was still right, and that I can have an opinion, but it doesn't mean shit until I'm 18. And do you want to know what happened earlier and why he was apologizing in the first place? Because he was forcing the baby to go to sleep when she didn't want to and I told him just to put her down and let her play some more because she wasn't tired. He fucking exploded. "What makes you think you know more about raising kids than me? You're fucking 15, I've raised two kids already, I'm an adult, I have way more experience than you and I'm always going to be 3 times smarter than you. You have no right to say what that baby wants, and how I should take care of her. I am way smarter than you. WAY smarter. So next time you want to put in your opinion on how I take care of children, you can fucking keep your mouth shut." Because he's the fucking King of the Castle, and what he says goes.
I don't know how I will survive the next year. And I'm so glad it will only be a year, then I can move to my dad's house permanently, or just plain move out. Live with a friend or something. I bet my mom would be pissed when she finds out about this plan. I don't even know why, because her mom was never around and she spent pretty much all of her time at her friend's house. She is such a fucking hypocrite.
Whatever. I'm done with them.
Feb 21, 2008
I can't pretend I don't care when you don't think about me. Do you think I deserve this?
SO AMAZINGEST DAY EVER!!!!
NOT EVEN FUCKING CLOSE.
so first off today. school. meh. sucks.
then, i was supposed to be getting my brains fucked out, but carl's brother joe is a dickface. meh. sucks more.
the day goes by more or less as usual. except with lots of homework that i am only realizing i have as i type this. SHIT. i left it all at school. i completely suck at life.
after school was better. carl came over and we had fun for a few hours. although we couldn't exactly fuck our brains out because of the whole parents being home thing. but whatever.
AND THEN (here's where it gets good), so, i'm completely not doing my homework and it's about 9:30 ish. a little after carl left and i realize i need to get all of the clothes from my mom's house and whatever. well my dad was out returning some dudes car. when he got back, it was about 10 and i made him take me to my mom's to get my stuff. (okay we are almost to the best part) He decides to take my uncle's car, that he just picked up, because it's still warm you know? we get there, i get all of my stuff and i get back in the car. i sort of have to go to the bathroom, but i'd be back at my dad's house in like 5 mins, so i could wait. Everything was hunky-dory until my dad decided to fuck around with the car and play with it's gears and shit at the light. So we get on the freeway, and i swear to god, travel no more than a mile before we realize that we need to pullover because the car was dying. So my dad turns the car off, and tries to restart it, but the car is sputtering and the dash lights are dim and the "check battery" light comes on, and obviously it doesn't turn back on. So we are sitting on the shoulder of the freeway under a bridge just after the on-ramp at middlebelt, traveling west (that is for those of you who are good directionally, just so you get a hint of where we were). for those of you who are not so directionally gifted, we were by the meijers and costco. And my dad doesnt believe in cell phones, and my mom is too retarded to get me one, even though she always tells me i should be prepared in case something like that happens. So our only option is to get out and walk to the nearest place and call from a payphone or something. MIND YOU, i am not wearing socks from the carl fiasco about an hour previous, i have no coat, and i have to pee, because i figured i would be home in 5 minutes at the most. I couldn't hold it in, so we walked up the on ramp, the whole time, i was slowly pissing my pants. We crossed the street and tried to go to that Bob Evans right on the corner, but they were closed, so we crossed middlebelt to the Olive Garden there, because it appeared to be open. BUT lo and behold, it was not. And since no other stores were near there that were open, we had no choice but to walk like half a mile to meijer. which looking at the store from Olive Garden, it doesn't seem like half a mile, but once you walk it, you know. Plus, my pants were frozen from me pissing my pants and were chaffing my legs, plus they were wind burnt, PLUS i wasn't wearing any socks and could no longer feel my toes. We finally make it to meijer and i ran into the bathroom like no other and sat there and almost cried because my legs hurt so bad from being wind burnt and pee-pants chaffed. And then i sat under the hand dryer thing pointing my toes to it so that i could regain feeling in them. Meanwhile, my dad called my uncle (the one whose car that broke down with us in it and forced us into this giant mess in the first place), and he said he would come pick us up as any respectable (and also pitying) family-member-who-was-called-at-11:30-at-night-
to-pick-up-another-stranded-family-member would do. so me and my dad sat there in the waiting room-ish place in meijers, between the doors you know? for like half an hour, me smelling like piss, and my dad almost falling asleep, listening to two defective out doors dinging every other second, regardless of whether they were open or closed, trying my damnedest not to get up and roundhouse kick it down, waiting for my uncle to show up. When he finally does, it's midnight, and of course we have to go back to his broken down truck on the freeway to get my stuff out of it and some other essential stuff. Anyways, it's like 12:15 a.m. before i finally get back home, and i immediately shed all of my clothes and run into the bathroom and start the shower. and i'm just sort of waiting there naked for the water to warm up, when ronda just opens the door right in front of my dad asking if i'm okay, because she is drunk as a skunk and doesnt know what the hell is going on. So after i flip out, i lock the door and take a half hour shower, and then run out to the computer to do my homework, which should have been done three hours before at 10. So now it's one a.m. i am tired as hell, just finished half of my english homework, and this blogpost so all of you can laugh at me later, and i'm about to get all of 4 hours of sleep. I asked my dad if i could just stay home tomorrow from school and he said no. You would think after almost failing first semester, they would care more about me getting good grades and paying attention in class than missing one day because im dead tired and have pretty much nothing done. But whatever they are crazy. I probably wont go anyway. And if carl happens to read this before he goes to school, he should see if he can skip school too, and then maybe we can actually fuck each other's brains out. If he doesnt read this, i will call him in the morning.
NOT EVEN FUCKING CLOSE.
so first off today. school. meh. sucks.
then, i was supposed to be getting my brains fucked out, but carl's brother joe is a dickface. meh. sucks more.
the day goes by more or less as usual. except with lots of homework that i am only realizing i have as i type this. SHIT. i left it all at school. i completely suck at life.
after school was better. carl came over and we had fun for a few hours. although we couldn't exactly fuck our brains out because of the whole parents being home thing. but whatever.
AND THEN (here's where it gets good), so, i'm completely not doing my homework and it's about 9:30 ish. a little after carl left and i realize i need to get all of the clothes from my mom's house and whatever. well my dad was out returning some dudes car. when he got back, it was about 10 and i made him take me to my mom's to get my stuff. (okay we are almost to the best part) He decides to take my uncle's car, that he just picked up, because it's still warm you know? we get there, i get all of my stuff and i get back in the car. i sort of have to go to the bathroom, but i'd be back at my dad's house in like 5 mins, so i could wait. Everything was hunky-dory until my dad decided to fuck around with the car and play with it's gears and shit at the light. So we get on the freeway, and i swear to god, travel no more than a mile before we realize that we need to pullover because the car was dying. So my dad turns the car off, and tries to restart it, but the car is sputtering and the dash lights are dim and the "check battery" light comes on, and obviously it doesn't turn back on. So we are sitting on the shoulder of the freeway under a bridge just after the on-ramp at middlebelt, traveling west (that is for those of you who are good directionally, just so you get a hint of where we were). for those of you who are not so directionally gifted, we were by the meijers and costco. And my dad doesnt believe in cell phones, and my mom is too retarded to get me one, even though she always tells me i should be prepared in case something like that happens. So our only option is to get out and walk to the nearest place and call from a payphone or something. MIND YOU, i am not wearing socks from the carl fiasco about an hour previous, i have no coat, and i have to pee, because i figured i would be home in 5 minutes at the most. I couldn't hold it in, so we walked up the on ramp, the whole time, i was slowly pissing my pants. We crossed the street and tried to go to that Bob Evans right on the corner, but they were closed, so we crossed middlebelt to the Olive Garden there, because it appeared to be open. BUT lo and behold, it was not. And since no other stores were near there that were open, we had no choice but to walk like half a mile to meijer. which looking at the store from Olive Garden, it doesn't seem like half a mile, but once you walk it, you know. Plus, my pants were frozen from me pissing my pants and were chaffing my legs, plus they were wind burnt, PLUS i wasn't wearing any socks and could no longer feel my toes. We finally make it to meijer and i ran into the bathroom like no other and sat there and almost cried because my legs hurt so bad from being wind burnt and pee-pants chaffed. And then i sat under the hand dryer thing pointing my toes to it so that i could regain feeling in them. Meanwhile, my dad called my uncle (the one whose car that broke down with us in it and forced us into this giant mess in the first place), and he said he would come pick us up as any respectable (and also pitying) family-member-who-was-called-at-11:30-at-night-
to-pick-up-another-stranded-family-member would do. so me and my dad sat there in the waiting room-ish place in meijers, between the doors you know? for like half an hour, me smelling like piss, and my dad almost falling asleep, listening to two defective out doors dinging every other second, regardless of whether they were open or closed, trying my damnedest not to get up and roundhouse kick it down, waiting for my uncle to show up. When he finally does, it's midnight, and of course we have to go back to his broken down truck on the freeway to get my stuff out of it and some other essential stuff. Anyways, it's like 12:15 a.m. before i finally get back home, and i immediately shed all of my clothes and run into the bathroom and start the shower. and i'm just sort of waiting there naked for the water to warm up, when ronda just opens the door right in front of my dad asking if i'm okay, because she is drunk as a skunk and doesnt know what the hell is going on. So after i flip out, i lock the door and take a half hour shower, and then run out to the computer to do my homework, which should have been done three hours before at 10. So now it's one a.m. i am tired as hell, just finished half of my english homework, and this blogpost so all of you can laugh at me later, and i'm about to get all of 4 hours of sleep. I asked my dad if i could just stay home tomorrow from school and he said no. You would think after almost failing first semester, they would care more about me getting good grades and paying attention in class than missing one day because im dead tired and have pretty much nothing done. But whatever they are crazy. I probably wont go anyway. And if carl happens to read this before he goes to school, he should see if he can skip school too, and then maybe we can actually fuck each other's brains out. If he doesnt read this, i will call him in the morning.
Feb 15, 2008
Your the one that i need, I'm the one that you loathe
concert was amazing
my dad hated it
i expected that. i told him it was going to be pretty hard core. he's the one who said he'd be glad to drive me. i guess i have to thank him for that. i know carl did. and opie is pretty grateful. speaking of opies, he owes me like 50$. for the concert last year and this year. so that's like 40$, plus i lent him 15$ to buy a shirt, so like 55$. so even though im broke, i wont be for long. when his mom gets the income tax check, i'll be rolling in- exactly what i had before the concert.
which is pretty funny.
actually not really. i'm just a loser.
i decided that i'm feeling different lately. not as in sick or anything, i just feel like i've changed a whole lot, and it's really clashing with the part of me that hasn't. i dont want to change. i hate change, and yet i cant live without it, i cant stand routine. it kills me inside you know?
i dont know if i like the way i've changed. i feel different about certain things. i've sort of lost a few friends because of it. not that anything bad has happened, i just sort of stopped talking to them. it's bad i know. i actually feel like i have become less social and i have been coming to find that i dont know as much about anything anymore. talking to all the other social butterflies i know and i found out that i wasnt aware of even the most obvious of things around me. it really sucks, but i dont really care. maybe that's why i've let it happen? because the old me would never have let me slip up on the social happenings, but then again, the old me was happier, oblivious.
you know what time it is?
confession time.
now if only i had anything to confess to any of you. which isnt true. i do have some things. actually quite a lot of things. the new me is just not able to say them. because i care, i think, what you think. if that makes sense. it's also really vain now that i have read over what i just typed. but i guess you can deal with it. i know i am.
i have nothing more to say i guess. i mean i do have things to say, i just wont say them here. it would be better to say them in person. and i probably will. and i will probably lose some more friends because of it, but what happens, happens.
ill go with the flow and flow right out of here.
my dad hated it
i expected that. i told him it was going to be pretty hard core. he's the one who said he'd be glad to drive me. i guess i have to thank him for that. i know carl did. and opie is pretty grateful. speaking of opies, he owes me like 50$. for the concert last year and this year. so that's like 40$, plus i lent him 15$ to buy a shirt, so like 55$. so even though im broke, i wont be for long. when his mom gets the income tax check, i'll be rolling in- exactly what i had before the concert.
which is pretty funny.
actually not really. i'm just a loser.
i decided that i'm feeling different lately. not as in sick or anything, i just feel like i've changed a whole lot, and it's really clashing with the part of me that hasn't. i dont want to change. i hate change, and yet i cant live without it, i cant stand routine. it kills me inside you know?
i dont know if i like the way i've changed. i feel different about certain things. i've sort of lost a few friends because of it. not that anything bad has happened, i just sort of stopped talking to them. it's bad i know. i actually feel like i have become less social and i have been coming to find that i dont know as much about anything anymore. talking to all the other social butterflies i know and i found out that i wasnt aware of even the most obvious of things around me. it really sucks, but i dont really care. maybe that's why i've let it happen? because the old me would never have let me slip up on the social happenings, but then again, the old me was happier, oblivious.
you know what time it is?
confession time.
now if only i had anything to confess to any of you. which isnt true. i do have some things. actually quite a lot of things. the new me is just not able to say them. because i care, i think, what you think. if that makes sense. it's also really vain now that i have read over what i just typed. but i guess you can deal with it. i know i am.
i have nothing more to say i guess. i mean i do have things to say, i just wont say them here. it would be better to say them in person. and i probably will. and i will probably lose some more friends because of it, but what happens, happens.
ill go with the flow and flow right out of here.
Feb 11, 2008
Hey call the angels, this razorblade was meant for me, Hey call the angels, we'll mutilate insanity
im being pressured from unnamed sources, namely carl, to update because lord knows that you all cant live without an update for a few days while i am non-existant at my dad's house.
anyways, i've been rather moody lately. as expected. for no reason i will just burst into tears or get so angry and anti-social that even i can't stand it. and yesterday i was sick. physically that is. i'm always mentally sick. but it was only for that day. actually the day before too but who's counting?
I was trying to avoid this, but it seems like a public service announcement is in order, just for your safety that is:
so hypothetically if i were to actually have a birthday, it would be coming up in the next few days or hypothetically tomorrow, but again, who's counting?
but i do NOT have a birthday and it is NOT tomorrow and it will NOT be celebrated because i hate my birthday and i have never had a good one and i dont think that having one this year will change my outlook on birthdays that i've had the last 14 years and possibly the next lord-knows-how-many. SO, i am advising all of you out there reading this, and i kid you not i am not kidding, i will punch you in the face if you so much as even breathe the words happy birthday to me. or type it for those of you who cannot be in physical contact with me. it would be best to just forget about it, as i was trying to do, but of course after lunch my sweetheart jessica made a point to shout it all over the hallway and attract the attention of everyone i know in that particular hallway, and they thus crowded around me and would not stop heckling me. and at lunch it just got worse.
i know my friends all too well and i am seriously debating about actually going to school tomorrow. just to spite you all.
aside from my birthday woes, it appears that everyone else i know is falling into a state of somewhat depression or coming out of one. i dont know which is worse. i dont know which i can handle better. either way, they are both dragging me with them leaving me suspended in limbo forced to choose sides, which i know, they know, we know, is impossible. how to deal, how to deal?
i know. the same way i have always dealt with it. just drop it and leave it alone.
She walks the line into her deathbed rings
I say she's all alone
Begging for forgiveness
I won't teach her to lie or make a plan
That clairvoyant stare and grin
God won't forgive me
For this I know
Tragedy unfolds tonight
As you sever my skin apart
Take this sadness and close your eyes love
Hey, call the angels. This razor blade was meant for me
Hey, call the angels. We'll mutilate insanity
She cuts a vein although it's much too dull
I say she's all alone
Fighting for redemption
I know little pain, a little lust
I lose myself at night to feel the rush
Of tearing my skin apart
Now take this sadness and close your eyes love
Hey, call the angels. This razor blade was meant for me
Hey, call the angels. We'll mutilate insanity
Go deeper, I feel it
I see your ghost appear
Go deeper, I see it
I feel your ghost appear
I will say goodbye tonight (We'll sleep forever)
Hold on, hold on tonight love
We'll sleep forever
Hold on, hold on tonight love
We'll sleep forever
Hold on, hold on tonight love
Close your eyes
anyways, i've been rather moody lately. as expected. for no reason i will just burst into tears or get so angry and anti-social that even i can't stand it. and yesterday i was sick. physically that is. i'm always mentally sick. but it was only for that day. actually the day before too but who's counting?
I was trying to avoid this, but it seems like a public service announcement is in order, just for your safety that is:
so hypothetically if i were to actually have a birthday, it would be coming up in the next few days or hypothetically tomorrow, but again, who's counting?
but i do NOT have a birthday and it is NOT tomorrow and it will NOT be celebrated because i hate my birthday and i have never had a good one and i dont think that having one this year will change my outlook on birthdays that i've had the last 14 years and possibly the next lord-knows-how-many. SO, i am advising all of you out there reading this, and i kid you not i am not kidding, i will punch you in the face if you so much as even breathe the words happy birthday to me. or type it for those of you who cannot be in physical contact with me. it would be best to just forget about it, as i was trying to do, but of course after lunch my sweetheart jessica made a point to shout it all over the hallway and attract the attention of everyone i know in that particular hallway, and they thus crowded around me and would not stop heckling me. and at lunch it just got worse.
i know my friends all too well and i am seriously debating about actually going to school tomorrow. just to spite you all.
aside from my birthday woes, it appears that everyone else i know is falling into a state of somewhat depression or coming out of one. i dont know which is worse. i dont know which i can handle better. either way, they are both dragging me with them leaving me suspended in limbo forced to choose sides, which i know, they know, we know, is impossible. how to deal, how to deal?
i know. the same way i have always dealt with it. just drop it and leave it alone.
She walks the line into her deathbed rings
I say she's all alone
Begging for forgiveness
I won't teach her to lie or make a plan
That clairvoyant stare and grin
God won't forgive me
For this I know
Tragedy unfolds tonight
As you sever my skin apart
Take this sadness and close your eyes love
Hey, call the angels. This razor blade was meant for me
Hey, call the angels. We'll mutilate insanity
She cuts a vein although it's much too dull
I say she's all alone
Fighting for redemption
I know little pain, a little lust
I lose myself at night to feel the rush
Of tearing my skin apart
Now take this sadness and close your eyes love
Hey, call the angels. This razor blade was meant for me
Hey, call the angels. We'll mutilate insanity
Go deeper, I feel it
I see your ghost appear
Go deeper, I see it
I feel your ghost appear
I will say goodbye tonight (We'll sleep forever)
Hold on, hold on tonight love
We'll sleep forever
Hold on, hold on tonight love
We'll sleep forever
Hold on, hold on tonight love
Close your eyes
Feb 5, 2008
this time im hoping for all you've got, 'cause i'm so proud of you, but im not expecting a lot, and i know that its stupid, but im not giving in...
I will be waiting for you
To fall on your knees and beg for mercy
Will you fall on your knees?
i want to be like katie and sahana and just pour my heart and soul out here, in fact that was the intention of getting a blog in the first place, but i feel like i have to watch what i say just like in real life. I guess its the part of my heart that is the brick wall, afraid of getting hurt, afraid of letting others in. It's not healthy, i know. And i dont really have anyone to talk to in person either. I think im going to change that. I dont rely on my friends, my boyfriend, as much as i know i should. I know i cant hold myself up all the time, but im just not the kind of person who would let someone else bear my weight. I just want to be able to go to Carl when i have a problem, with anything. That's how i want it to be, that's how it should be. He should be my best friend as well as my boyfriend, and right now he's not. well not really. he is, to some extent my best friend, but not as much as i would like him to be. Granted, there are some things i wouldnt tell even to the best of my friends.
everyone has secrets like those, i just happen to have more of them.
sure tell yourself that
shut the fuckme up. yes they do.
i want to talk to a deaf person sometimes. so that i can say all i need to without letting them hear it. so i will still have the satisfaction of telling another person, and the comfort that no one else actually has to know about it.
Does anyone of my friends happen to have sudden hearing loss?
To fall on your knees and beg for mercy
Will you fall on your knees?
i want to be like katie and sahana and just pour my heart and soul out here, in fact that was the intention of getting a blog in the first place, but i feel like i have to watch what i say just like in real life. I guess its the part of my heart that is the brick wall, afraid of getting hurt, afraid of letting others in. It's not healthy, i know. And i dont really have anyone to talk to in person either. I think im going to change that. I dont rely on my friends, my boyfriend, as much as i know i should. I know i cant hold myself up all the time, but im just not the kind of person who would let someone else bear my weight. I just want to be able to go to Carl when i have a problem, with anything. That's how i want it to be, that's how it should be. He should be my best friend as well as my boyfriend, and right now he's not. well not really. he is, to some extent my best friend, but not as much as i would like him to be. Granted, there are some things i wouldnt tell even to the best of my friends.
everyone has secrets like those, i just happen to have more of them.
sure tell yourself that
shut the fuckme up. yes they do.
i want to talk to a deaf person sometimes. so that i can say all i need to without letting them hear it. so i will still have the satisfaction of telling another person, and the comfort that no one else actually has to know about it.
Does anyone of my friends happen to have sudden hearing loss?
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