you're gonna need a bodybag, I'll break bones you didnt know you had

Here's a question.
What do you do when you're all alone
and you have nowhere to run to, swear I'll find you.
And this is what I'll do; I'll take it slow (I'll take it slow)
just to let you know that we're not playing, you're not walking home.
This time I'm waiting here for you, you got nowhere to hide

i feel very angry. pissed off. for no apparant reason other than i feel like being mad at someone. well not really someone. just sort of something. dont just think its "that time of the month" because even though it is (i think. ive never really kept track. is that bad that its been like 2 years and i still have never bothered to like, keep track of when exactly my period is?) i've been feeling like this for a while. omg. i really have nothing to talk about right now. i just want to sort of stew if you get what i mean. just sit in my room with the lights off and stare at the ceiling being mad at whatever or whoever.
i need to take a walk. but its so cold. what i really want to do is go over to someone's house. but who's going to be home to let me in? dillon might be, maybe dakota, or maybe not. dillon will probably be out somewhere. he always seems to be. and dakota....
i never know with him anymore. since high school, no, since leslie, he's been different. and i'm not sure if i like it. i mean he's more mature, which im sure everyone appreciates, but he's been hanging out with different people. he acts as if he's my friend, and he talks to me occasionally, but only when he's bored. as if i'm just a way to pass the time. i never really talked to him much before anyway, but now i feel like im fourth or fifth in his book. he even treats me different when he's around angela and john and leslie and haylie, even though they are basically my friends too.

getting back on topic...
i really need to get away somewhere. to spend a night away from my home. no, i cant call it that. it could never be my home. i dont have one really. no where that i truly feel like i want to be. i mean there are people i want to be with, and with them it really wouldnt matter where i am, but no particular place that i want to be more than anywhere else. I just really cant stand being here anymore. There is no particular reason why. I mean i was arguing a lot with my mom the other day, but that was because she was being moody, not because we had really anything to fight about. It's not like i ever really talk to my mom at all. Mostly i go to my room and sleep and listen to music and whatever. I only say what is necessary, like, what's for dinner, or im done doing the dishes or i need some money (which we have none of by the way). But other than that i dont say one word to her. But lately i feel this strange tension in the air, sort of like i can feel that something bad is coming. I dont know if any of you ever really noticed, but i'm the least confrontational person ever. If there is anyway to avoid something dramatic, i will, but i feel like something really bad is coming and its unavoidable.

its these moments in time where i realize that i need a job, so that i can move out, or rather, move in with someone else. not that i could really think of someone who would take me in (well that's not true, i know of lots of people who would, but im talking more of the people who actually could). I really wonder what my parents would do if i just left. I would imagine they would freak out. or maybe just my mom. she freaks when i forget to call home from a friends house for god's sake. after about 12 hours they would call the police or something. i dont think they'd put it off much longer than that.

but i seriously am considering just packing a bunch of stuff and leaving. i'll actually probably end up moving in with my sister if i do that
but i think that if i do leave home, i'll wait until i have a job and a car. that would be the smart thing to do.


yeah. so im talking to alejandra and i was just bringing her up to speed on my situation with carl and our upcoming anniversary, and i realized, that if we skip school on my birthday or whatever, it would jeopardize the chances of us going to the concert because as he knows, my parents are all paranoid about me doing well in school and they are hanging the concert over my head and saying that if i dont do well in school then i wont go. now if i had a car, that would be no problem, and if i could actually secure someone who has a car that would be willing to take us to the concert, i would just completely disregard them and go anyway, but that is not the case. at least i dont think so, but it probably would be. so i just think that we should skip on our actual anniversary. that would probably work better.

anyways. im probably gonna go be all emo in my room for a while.