but it is my fault. it's all my fault, and i couldnt stop crying if i wanted to
im sorry
im so sorry
its all my fault
i didnt want it to happen
please im so sorry carl
can you forgive me?
what can i say besides im sorry?
besides i tried?
besides i failed?
its all my fault, it always is
i was supposed to call my mom last night from berger's and i forgot, which i always do, and then when i got home she was really mad. And it doesnt help that at that moment, my dad brought in the mail and got my progress report and saw how horrible i was doing. Do you want to know how i did in my classes? in four of them i am currently failing and the other two i have c's. do you know why i happen to be failing? because i dont turn in work, which is exactly why i got in trouble last time. This was my second chance and i was supposed to be turning in my homework.
damnit
im sorry
its all my fault
im sorry im a failure
im sorry that i have horrible grades, and that apparantly im not trying hard enough. do you think that i like going into my classes and seeing my teachers look at me with the "i know you can do better" face? do you think i like it when they ask me what's wrong, and why i cant do my work and i cant even answer them? do you think i like to see my grades as they slowly begin to drop? Can't you see that i am trying? im just not good enough. I just can't do it. I hate everything. I hate myself.
my mom told me that if i dont improve my grades, she'll transfer me to thurston, and i won't be allowed to see any of you again. i dont fucking think she's kidding either. i mean what would stop her from doing it? but if she did that, i would probably do worse in school, do an insane amount of drugs, get depressed and kill myself. and dont think im being overdramatic, because i know that's what will happen, im not imagining the worst. How many friends do you think i'll make there? in the middle of the year? looking the way i do? how well do you think my grades will be, when i have no friends, no motivation, and at that point, not a care in the world?
fuck
i really need to cry
really really bad
and i need carl to let me cry on his shoulder
but i cant
because its all my fault
and now im fucking grounded
i can't see anyone over break
i can't do anything
and its all my fault
its always my fault
you have no idea how much i want to die right now
i was going to kill myself last night
but i wouldnt do that to carl
i wouldnt leave him like that
i couldnt leave him like that
but im fucking dying inside
every day, every minute, every second that i have to spend in this house
in either house
with either of my parents
their disappointment, confusion, hatred
it coats the air with a heavy and sickly feeling
im fucking dying inside
rotting from the inside out
i want to die
please someone kill me
please
im fucking begging you
give me a gun
give me a knife
give me anything, i bet i can find a way to kill myself with it
i dont want to be here anymore
i want to be with carl
anywhere but here
im sorry
so sorry
i hurt myself last night
i cut my arm up
all over the place
there was blood everywhere
dripping from my arm
and in the process of getting the razor
i managed to slice my thumb pretty badly
and so that was bleeding all over as well
and it was all over my face
and my clothes
and dripping onto the floor
it was so beautiful that i never wanted it to stop
im sorry
i really am
but you would have done the same thing
i know you would have
i dont want to hurt any of you, especially carl
but i cant take it anymore
rest peacefully knowing that i wont kill myself as of yet
that i will come back from break in one piece
but know that it is always at the front of my mind
in everything i do
i just cant bring myself to leave carl like that
i love him too much to hurt him
let me be the one to call you baby all the time
show me you can take some comfort knowing that you're mine
just hold me tight
lay by my side
and let me be the one who calls you baby all the time
i found my place in the world
could stare at your face for the rest of my days
now i can't breath, turn my insides out, and smother me
warm and alive, im all over you, wont you smother me?
let me be the one who never leaves you all alone
i hold my breath and lose the feeling that im on my own
hold me too tight
stay by my side
and let me be the one who calls you baby all the time
i found my place in the world
could stare at your face for the rest of my days
now i can't breath, turn my insides out, and smother me
warm and alive, im all over you, wont you smother me?
when im alone, time goes so slow,
i need you here with me
and how my mistakes, have made your heartbreak
still need you hear with me
so baby i'm
baby i'm here
4 comments:
ok so the deleted post was a massive typo, stopped typing for some reason.
thank you, thank you for not killing yourself cuz seriously, if you had, id've walked out the door right now and hung myself somewhere.
im sorry, im so so sorry for not being there for you, im so sorry that your gorunded, i wish i was grounded too so i dont feel guilty about doing things.
Im sorry i couldnt help you last night, u horny bastard, but seriously, we still had fun.
I wish i couldve been there for you to cry on my shoulder, i wish your parents werent such assholes, i wish cutting wasnt a part of our lives.
i almost cut last night, i was ready for it and everything.
god, why does everything seem to be going so good and then it all comes crashing down?
i hate life, i hate this shit, we should die together.
hi andrea.
i wish you were happy.
also, i'm going to get your phone number from chelsea and call you so we can talk about stuff.
because it's stuff i don't want to talk about in the form of putting things up on the internet.
and it's stuff i wouldn't talk about at all except that i'm hoping there's a small chance it might make you feel better.
and i really really miss you and like you a lot even though i only met you once and we've got the craziest shit in common.
and that doesn't happen very much often with me. so that's why i'm saying all this is because i like meeting people i have things in common with
AND IT WOULD KIND OF SUCK A HELL OF A LOT IF THEY ALL DIED.
yeah.
ok.
the end.
p.s. i'm slightly jealous of you.
you're gonna be alright.
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