All around me are familiar faces, wornout place, wornout faces

Theres quite a trend i noticed going on right now in the way of blog posts, and just peoples feelings in general
everyone is saying that they dont like who theyve become and that they want to change themselves, and that they dont care about school anymore. Everyone just wants to let go of what theyve accomplished and float through life.

And not to seem like i am one of the trend, surely i am not, perhaps it isnt really a trend and more of an extremely large coincedence, but i must say i agree. I hate school. I put it off time and again, never do homework, never get good grades, never do anything worth shit. But, then again, not to sound like im full of myself, but you guys are basically now realizing what i did long ago. That school isnt worth your time, and that you should just stop trying all together. Your wishing to live like i have been, and this I say to all of you who are feeling down right now, who feel like I do about everything. You dont want to live as if your floating through life, with no worries or strife. (that wasnt intended to rhyme) It is horrible, worse even, i think, than having your set in stone structure that you all have and yet take for granted.

This goes along with what i was telling carl yesterday. My parents never really told me what to do in life. There was no direction or guidance. They set me down and told me to walk when i could not yet crawl. They never told me no, but nor did they tell me yes. They seemed to shrug me off as if i wasnt important, as if i wasnt impressionable by their decisions. But i was. I fend for myself often, I have to make all of my own decisions, and you people have no idea what i wouldnt give to have parents who actually gave a shit about me and the things that i do. I would love to have someone to keep me on track, tell me to do my homework and spend less time slacking off. In fact as im writing this i should be finishing my english essay, and do you know what? no one is telling me i should. my dad is lying on the couch sleeping. I need someone to tell me i can do better, that i am smarter than i show everyone, which i know i am. But if i dont have to, then why do it? And that's what all of you strive so hard for. The ability to decide not to do something. Well i will tell you, I am so fucked up from being what you so desperately want to be.

This life, i have, is so filled with regret, and hatred and self loathing. Its completely not worth any of your time to even attempt to live like this. All it does is make you feel worse. And you know what? this is the exact reason i turned out like i did. The drugs, the alcohol, the self mutilation, just ways to make myself feel better about my failure and their disappointment, and with no one to tell me not to, why shouldnt i? its a quick fix for my problems, and it may not seem like the best alternative, but when has anyone given me any other advice, any other way to feel better? never. and i doubt anyone will.

so please, when you read this, any of you, all of you, stop thinking that it would be better for you to stop trying, to give up on everything you have. Its probably too late for me, but at least i can go down knowing that im not dragging any of you with me.

painstakingly,

heartbreakingly

your favorite failure at what you are
and loathed success at what you're not