Doesnt it feel nice to belong?

I have some things that need to be said
and you know what?
i know your going to listen

NATALIE
(i already commented this on your blog, but i feel its something that i need to say again)

if it seemed that i was coming off as hostile
i apologize
sincerly

im just not the kind of person who talks about her feelings and whatnot
and i dont share my personal life with most people. how they find out, i never can tell
i think they just assume and by some small chance they are right.
but talking about things never really comes easy for me. maybe that was why it seemed so hostile?
i dont know. but that sureashell wasnt the intention.

and how could we ever get fed up with you?
your natalie!
you are constant
there is no variations in the person that you are and the person we want to be around
why would we want to lose what is probably the only thing steady in our lives?

it is true that no one is perfect
yourself included. everyone complains about everyone else. it is a fact of life. most people wont admit it, but truth be told they are liars. Is that oxymoronic? i dont know or rightly care, but the point is, you shouldnt feel bad for complaining about people. you should feel bad that people cant deal with the fact that someone is complaining about them.

keep that in mind next time
and dont think of it as complaining
think of it as "constructive critisism" as they always seem to say. because who knows, someone might just better theirselves after hearing what you have to say as a bystander or a friend.

i trust your opinions a lot. I wish there were more of them. It never seems like there are enough people telling me "No" or "you really shouldnt do that" and as much as i rebel against what people say, i need them to tell me its wrong.


CARL
i love you
honestly and truly
and i dont know what i would ever do without you
i hate everymoment we are apart
i count the minutes until we are together
you make my life complete or as close to complete as possible

i want to cry on your shoulder
when things are wrong
i really do
but when im with you the tears wont come
you make me so happy all the time
being with you fixes things
so dont think for a minute that i dont want to talk about things with you or let you help me work it out
i want to
i just cant really cry it out with you

and although i trust everyone's opinion, except of course my parents, i trust yours way more
i need you there to tell me no. i need you to tell me that the things i do are wrong
and i need you not to get upset with me when i dont understand
or i dont see it from your point of view
you have to know that there arent many people in my life to guide me, so its almost childish how i am
i can do things just for the hell of it, because no one is there to tell me that i shouldnt
and when i do those things, i wont think about the outcome of it, or in some cases really care.
please just be patient and help me understand.

and sometimes you just confuse me so much and i know i can do the same to you, its just that the way you confuse me is not always with words. Like you say you love me but its hard for me to comprehend how much you do, and i dont want to sound needy or anything but I've never really had anyone who loved me before and there has never been someone in my life that makes me feel like you do, and so i just need reassurance that your not going to leave and that you do love me and i feel like i dont hear that enough. i feel like we use it to fill in the points when our conversations lead to silences and i want it to mean more. I want to hear it more. I want you to grab me and hold me and kiss me at the most random times, just to let me know that the word love does not just fill in the cracks and cover up the holes, but is our foundation and will keep us together, and does not just make everything seem okay on the outside.

i just have one last thing to say. why does it seem that you look for reasons to doubt me? that you look for my flaws and point them out to me and expect me not to be upset by it? like when you doubted that i would come over tomorrow because when i wrote it in the blog i said "might." I know i dont always follow through with plans but it hurts when you dont trust me or when you seem like i let you down. As reckless as i can seem at times, im very apprehensive about doing things that im not supposed to. I am a good girl. I often do as I'm told (granted its not often that im told to do anything at all), and so im very cautious about doing something that would get me in trouble, and even after i have done something a few times, i can still be nervous about doing it. i trust my instinct when it comes to danger and consequences, and that prevents me from going through with anything that i promise to do. But you must realize that as many times as my plans dont fall through, there are way more times where they do. I have told you before, if im not comfortable doing something i wont. And more often than not the intuition that guides the choices that i make is right. i trust in myself to do or not do something, and the only thing that could prevent me from going on with my decisions is that voice in the back of my head that is way wiser than the devil on my shoulder. i just need you to trust in me more and not to feel so disappointed in me when i dont live up to my word. It would kill me if i went against my concience and did something that ended up with horrible consequences, because it would just give me more reason to hate myself for it. i hate the feeling of it being my fault and i resent myself for it long after i should and it really doesnt help when you become disappointed in me. So can you please just lighten up on me and have more faith in me? aside from having you here with me, that's all i really need right now.