You're brought back but you're running, I'll find sleep in the end tonight. I can't shake this little feeling, I'll never get anything right

Fuck it. I have nothing to say right now.

My yearn to speak out is drowned by my lack of speech. It's stuck in my throat, and it hurts to swallow, but i know this sickness wont pass soon. I can't think of anything. After this one night, this one small comfort, my mind is blank yet again. But what is it that is making me so ill in the mind and the soul? It's one word and i think you probably know what it is. Actually its two words, but there is no difference between them, other than the way they're spelled. Isn't it a funny that they both have four letters? Isn't it funny that they both are inexplicably unexplainable and make me weak in the knees and strong in the heart? Isn't it funny that they can strip you bare inside and out?

Indeed they are funny things



well take me, take me back to your bed
I love you so much that it hurts my head
say I don't mind you under my skin
I'll let the bad parts in, the bad parts in
when we were made we were set apart
life is a test and I get bad marks
now some saint got the job of writing down my sins
the storm is coming, the storm is coming in

I am on the mend. At least now I can say that I am trying. And I hope you will forget things I still lack.

It's been so long since I've heard that song. I really love the lyrics. There's just something about them that speaks to me, if you know what I mean, and I'm sure you do. And if you don't, go listen to any album by Brand New completely through and tell me again that you don't. Their new album is amazing. I love the song Jesus.
Don't you ever think that a song was written about you, or for you? I get that way when I hear that song. Well, really any of their songs. It's just so easy to connect to them. Or maybe I'm just a sap for a few well written lines and some laidback yet edgy notes. Either way, the album is so great to listen to.
I love it when you listen to an album nonstop for a few weeks and it practically becomes your life, and then after a few months of misplacement and disregard, you find it buried under all of your shit and put it once again into your cd player and rediscover why you loved it so much in the first place. It's a great feeling. God I love music so much. It's so perfect and flawless, yet it's constantly renewing and refining itself. I think it's really the only stable thing in my life and I don't know what I would've done if the music wasn't there.

MADECKAAUM!

don't even ask
but i wont bother explaining, you won't get it anyway.
it's only an inside joke between me and kayleigh.
who, by the way, i had one of the most interesting conversations with today:

x84thx: sooo andrea how are you on this fine fine day? lost your virginity yet?
mylastmatch22: hahahah
mylastmatch22: no
mylastmatch22: im sick as a dog
mylastmatch22: which from what i heard from katie
mylastmatch22: is very bad
x84thx: me too! well I will be tomorrow
mylastmatch22: ?
mylastmatch22: you will be sick?
x84thx: yes
mylastmatch22: thats not cool
x84thx: yes no
x84thx: ...
mylastmatch22: im all confuzzled
x84thx: i make sense wooow
x84thx: like yes no its not
mylastmatch22: oh okay
mylastmatch22: that is more sensical
mylastmatch22: yeah i have like the superfast flu
mylastmatch22: in a period of one hour
mylastmatch22: first i was fine
mylastmatch22: then 10 mins later
mylastmatch22: i was puking blood in the bathroom
mylastmatch22: and that was how i spent most of the night
mylastmatch22: and in the morning
mylastmatch22: i was pretty much fine
x84thx: ok
mylastmatch22: yeah it was pretty quick
x84thx: you are way sicker than me
x84thx: lmfao
mylastmatch22: lol
x84thx: i am really hoping right now you didnt like breathe that shit on me
mylastmatch22: lmao
mylastmatch22: i havent been in close contact with you since bergers
x84thx: right
mylastmatch22: are you saying that you have been near me since a week ago?
mylastmatch22: thats kind of stalkerish
x84thx: well maybe the bug was dormant in you for a week then today it encountered some speed in you then peer pressure caused it to try the speed hence the i-am-sick-as-a-dog
x84thx: yes
x84thx: i may be implying that
mylastmatch22: lmao
mylastmatch22: kayleigh saum you never fail to make me laugh
x84thx: andrea leja you never fail to pressure your viruses into doing drugs then breathing it on me
x84thx: bitch
mylastmatch22: lol
mylastmatch22: you know what is a good movie?
mylastmatch22: bickford schmeckler's cool ideas
x84thx: just kidding I love you bff
x84thx: what?
x84thx: ooh
mylastmatch22: its a movie
x84thx: ok
mylastmatch22: and its really good
mylastmatch22: i was watching it this morning
x84thx: i will see about pirating it
mylastmatch22: you should@
mylastmatch22: !*
x84thx: if you are into romantic comedies then pirate waitress
mylastmatch22: hmm
mylastmatch22: maybe i should
x84thx: if not then just turn me down andrea
mylastmatch22: i shall not turn you down!
mylastmatch22: i should never
x84thx: but WOULD you
x84thx: dun dun dun
x84thx: well im gonna go your drug bug gave me a bitch of a headache
mylastmatch22: lmao
mylastmatch22: okay
mylastmatch22: have fun
x84thx: goodbye lofebaneja
mylastmatch22: maddekaum
x84thx: oh I will
mylastmatch22: lol
mylastmatch22: bye then
x84thx: good thing I dont throw up
mylastmatch22: hah
mylastmatch22: dont
x84thx: oh! that was my name!
mylastmatch22: lmao
mylastmatch22: wow
x84thx: you are one fantastic bitch
mylastmatch22: i am indeed
mylastmatch22: hey
mylastmatch22: do you think that squirrels like pasta?
x84thx: yes
mylastmatch22: what makes you say that/
x84thx: everyone likes pasta
mylastmatch22: lol
mylastmatch22: italians do
x84thx: especially squirrels
mylastmatch22: but i dont think that our squirrel is italian
mylastmatch22: or from an italian origin
x84thx: no
x84thx: everyone does
mylastmatch22: okay if you say so
mylastmatch22: looks like our squirrel is having pasta tonight
x84thx: i believe those are the same thing
mylastmatch22: lol
mylastmatch22: okay
x84thx: im not even gonna ask why you are saying our squirrel like you have one as a pet
mylastmatch22: well sort of
mylastmatch22: he lives in the wild and whatever, but we feed him,
mylastmatch22: so he's kind of our
x84thx: so it lives outwide
mylastmatch22: s
mylastmatch22: well yeah
x84thx: side
mylastmatch22: but we take care of it
x84thx: yes
mylastmatch22: so technically its our pet
mylastmatch22: technically
x84thx: do you really think that squirrels eat at 1am?
mylastmatch22: well no
x84thx: technically
mylastmatch22: but it will probably eat it later
mylastmatch22: like at 10
mylastmatch22: when it is of course awake
x84thx: if you ever meet anyone that doesnt like pasta tell them they are not included in the group "everyone"
mylastmatch22: lmao
mylastmatch22: okay
mylastmatch22: i will
mylastmatch22: but i dont think that i have met anyone who doesnt like pasta
x84thx: even if it does like pasta, does it like it 9 hours old?
x84thx: well I suppose I do
x84thx: still
mylastmatch22: lol
mylastmatch22: im sure squirrels arent too picky
x84thx: and on that note, I will leave
mylastmatch22: especially in the winter time
mylastmatch22: okay
x84thx: you are not sure
mylastmatch22: see you later then

"everything is awesome. fundamentally" -bickford schmeckler's epic sex poem

no. its not awesome.
i spent all night puking up blood, every 20 minutes.
i couldnt get to sleep either
i pretty much got most of my sleep, lying on the bathroom floor trying not to move.

i would shut my eyes and it would feel like i slept for hours, but when i opened them, it had only been 2 mins.
fucking sucked

so now im sore all over, my throat hurts, i can barely move, and my diet consists of soda, because i can't keep anything else down.
D:

and last night, ronda wouldnt leave me alone. everytime i puked she was right there asking if i was okay and when i told her i was she said, "no honey you're not" and so i'm like, yes i am, just let me vomit and leave me alone. she kept asking if i needed anything and kept bringing in washcloths and kept cleaning out the bucket whenever i did anything. I dont know how many times i told her to leave me alone. she just didnt get it.
she thought it was because i was a "big girl" and i wanted to do things on my own, which wasnt it at all. its just that my mom never did anything for me when i was younger. she just kind of let me be sick, and occasionally checked on me. its just all that ive ever known, and it was kind of wierd and annoying for ronda to be doting on me.

and aside from her not leaving me alone, she kept asking if i had taken anything, like drugwise, or if i had drank anything. which totally peeved me. why cant i just be sick? why do they always have to jump to the worst conclusions. im not stupid enough to do any illegal substances around them, and if i was, i've never before had a violent reaction to them anyway, well at least not like what happened last night.

bleh
i dont know how to end this post so i will just stop typ

losing half a year, waiting for you here, i'd be your anything

kenny came back today
and i hung out with him for an hour or two, i lost track of time
why does it have to be so complicated?

everytime he comes over, everytime i see him, i feel so bad because he likes me so much. he always tells me, he always says "if only you didnt have a boyfriend. why do you have to have a boyfriend? everytime i see you. you always have one" it just makes me feel bad because i like him, i always have. some people think im crazy for it, but he's really a nice guy and he's a really good friend, not to say that i would leave carl for him, because hell no i would not. i love carl so much and i couldnt ever think of being with someone else, and carl, dont ever doubt that i love you because of this, but i know that if i hadnt met carl when i did, and kenny and i were both single, it would have happened.

its just that kenny has always been such a good friend to me, and as he said, he was really the first guy, but the love i have for kenny is not even close to the love i have for carl. i love kenny like a brother, actually more like, a really good friend, but i love carl more passionately and deeply than i have ever loved someone before, and i dont know what i would ever do if i lost him. but kenny, i kind of lose him all the time. he moved to dearborn with his mom, he doesnt go to churchill, and he doesnt come around this neighborhood anymore since he doesnt live with his grandma. he's just never around. i've already sort of lost him, and it just makes it hurt that much more when he comes back. because i want to be with him, and be around him, but i feel so bad when he tells me how much he wants to be with me, how much he misses me, and i feel bad when he leaves again, because i just never know when i'm going to see him.

im just so confused right now
D:

p.s.
CARL I LOVE YOU SO MUCH AND PLEASE DONT WORRY ABOUT WHAT I'VE JUST SAID IN THIS POST BECAUSE I LOVE YOU SO MUCH AND I WANT TO BE WITH YOU FOREVER. I WOULD NEVER EVEN DREAM ABOUT BEING WITH SOMEONE ELSE, ESPECIALLY KENNY, BECAUSE I DONT LIKE HIM NEARLY AS MUCH AS I LOVE YOU.