oh boy.

(571): non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.

(716): do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?

(802): PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.

(201): and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.

(610): Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love

(616): who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss

(731): Maybe she gives good head
(615): A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head

(770): Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?

(646): Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
(1-646): what. the. fuck.

(303): Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.

(303): Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England

(+44): Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.

(402): I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.

(215): After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
(610): I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.

(501): I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
(602): I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"

(859): MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.

(440): yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
(1-440): and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag



Just something to brighten your day, I guess.